Jared and Chrissy had been married for seven years. Like many couples, they had entered marriage with hopes and expectations about the life they would build together. Among their greatest hopes was having children.
They had not expected it to happen immediately. They wanted to enjoy the early years of marriage, establish themselves financially, and make some memories together before becoming parents.
But two years had passed since they began trying to conceive, and the pregnancy they so desperately wanted had not occurred.
At first, they were not particularly concerned. They knew couples who had experienced delays in becoming pregnant. They assumed that eventually their turn would come.
But as the months passed, Chrissy became increasingly anxious.
Every month seemed to follow the same painful pattern. She would wonder whether this might finally be the month. She would watch for familiar signs, calculate dates, and allow herself to imagine that perhaps something wonderful was happening.
Then her menstrual cycle would begin.
For Chrissy, those days were emotionally devastating.
Sometimes she cried. Other times she became unusually quiet and withdrew from Jared. Occasionally, she would spend much of the evening in the bedroom, not wanting to talk about what had happened.
Jared tried to comfort her.
He would put his arms around her, remind her that they still had each other, and encourage her not to lose hope.
He also reminded her that God had a purpose for their lives, even if they could not understand what was happening.
But Chrissy was finding those reassurances increasingly difficult to hear.
She did not question God’s existence or believe that her faith had disappeared. She simply wanted to become a mother.
She wanted to experience pregnancy, hold her own child, and watch Jared become a father.
She had imagined those experiences for years. Now she was beginning to wonder whether they would ever happen.
After consulting a reproductive physician, both Jared and Chrissy underwent testing. The physician could identify no apparent medical explanation for their inability to conceive.
They were told that sometimes couples experience infertility without a clearly identifiable cause.
The absence of an explanation did not make the situation easier.
If there had been a specific problem, perhaps there would have been a treatment to address it. Instead, they were left with uncertainty.
Chrissy began researching fertility treatments.
She read about medications, procedures, and assisted reproductive technologies. Eventually, her attention focused on in vitro fertilization, commonly known as IVF.
She learned about the process, the medical appointments involved, and the possibility that it might give them an opportunity to become parents.
But there was a significant obstacle.
The cost was far beyond what they could comfortably afford.
Chrissy began investigating financing options. She discussed the possibility of borrowing money from a bank and even approaching their respective families for financial assistance.
Jared was opposed to the idea.
They already had financial obligations, and he was uncomfortable taking on additional debt for a medical procedure that could be unsuccessful.
He understood how much Chrissy wanted a child. He wanted one, too.
But he believed they needed to be realistic about what they could afford.
Chrissy interpreted his reluctance differently.
She felt that he was putting money ahead of her dream of becoming a mother.
She wondered whether he wanted a child as much as she did. If he did, why wasn’t he willing to do whatever was necessary to pursue the possibility?
Jared, meanwhile, felt that his wife was allowing her desperation to cloud her judgment.
He worried that they might borrow a substantial amount of money, undergo an emotionally and physically demanding process, and end up without a child and with a financial burden they could not easily manage.
Their disagreements became increasingly emotional.
Sometimes Chrissy accused him of not understanding what she was going through.
Jared responded that he was hurting, too, and that she seemed to believe he had no feelings about their inability to conceive.
On several occasions, their arguments became so heated that Chrissy’s parents came to their home to calm things down.
Neither spouse was proud of those incidents.
They loved each other, but the subject of having children had become an emotional minefield.
One evening, after another disappointing month, Chrissy sat on the edge of their bed crying.
Jared came into the room and sat beside her.
“Sweetheart, I wish I could make this easier for you.”
She wiped her eyes.
“You don’t understand. Every month I get my hopes up, and every month I have to go through this all over again.”
“I know it’s hard.”
“No, Jared. You don’t know what it feels like. You don’t have to live with the disappointment the way I do.”
He reached for her hand.
“We can’t let this destroy us. We have to trust God.”
Chrissy pulled her hand away.
“I am trusting God. But I’m still hurting. Why can’t you understand that?”
Jared became quiet.
He did not know what else to say.
He wanted to encourage her, but almost everything he said seemed to make matters worse.
Chrissy eventually told him that she had found another IVF clinic and wanted them to schedule a consultation.
Jared sighed.
“We’ve already talked about this. We can’t afford it.”
“Then maybe we need to find a way.”
“We’re not going to borrow money we don’t have.”
“So that’s it? We just give up?”
“I’m not giving up. I’m trying to keep us from making a terrible financial decision.”
Chrissy began crying again.
“Sometimes I think having a child just isn’t as important to you as it is to me.”
Jared stood up.
“That’s not fair, Chrissy. I want a child as much as you do. But I don’t want us to ruin our finances trying to make something happen that may not even work.”
She looked at him.
“At least I’m willing to try.”
Jared walked out of the bedroom.
He spent the remainder of the evening in the living room, wondering how something they had once looked forward to together had become the source of so much unhappiness.
Eventually, Chrissy suggested that they seek marriage counseling.
Jared agreed.
He was tired of the arguments and worried about the emotional toll the situation was taking on their marriage.
He also knew that Chrissy was suffering in ways he did not fully understand.
They needed help.
Jared’s Story
“I want to be a father. I want children as much as Chrissy does. But I don’t think we can allow our desire to have a child to put us in a financial situation that could follow us for years.”
Jared explained that he had initially been optimistic when they began trying to conceive.
He assumed that becoming pregnant would happen naturally, although he understood that it might take some time.
During the first year, he and Chrissy occasionally discussed the possibility that they might need medical assistance.
But he had not anticipated how emotionally difficult the experience would become.
He said that Chrissy had always wanted children.
She enjoyed being around her nieces and nephews and often talked about the kind of mother she hoped to become.
She had even saved a few photographs of nursery designs and children’s bedrooms.
Jared had enjoyed those conversations.
He looked forward to becoming a father and believed that having children would be an important part of their future.
But as the months passed without a pregnancy, Chrissy became increasingly distressed.
He described the day her menstrual cycle began as an especially difficult time.
“She gets her hopes up every month. Sometimes she’ll tell me that she thinks this might be it. She’ll be excited for a few days. Then her period starts, and it’s like somebody has pulled the rug out from under her.”
He tried to be supportive.
He would hold her, listen to her, and remind her that they still had options.
But he admitted that he sometimes became frustrated when she seemed unable to recover emotionally.
He knew that disappointment was natural, but he worried that she was allowing it to consume her.
He had encouraged her to trust God.
He believed that their lives had meaning beyond becoming parents and that they needed to avoid allowing infertility to define their marriage.
He also believed that they should remain open to whatever future God might have for them.
But Chrissy sometimes interpreted his comments as an attempt to minimize her pain.
“She tells me that I’m not listening. She says I don’t understand what she’s going through. I don’t know what else to tell her.”
The counselor asked whether Jared believed he was experiencing grief of his own.
He paused.
“I suppose I am. I want to be a father. I think about it all the time. But I don’t react the way Chrissy does.”
He explained that he tended to deal with disappointment by thinking about what could be done next.
If one possibility did not work, he looked for another.
He was not particularly comfortable with extended emotional discussions, especially when he did not know how to solve the problem.
He acknowledged that he sometimes became quiet because he feared saying something that would upset Chrissy further.
The counselor asked whether he had ever told her how much he wanted a child.
“Of course. But sometimes I don’t think she believes me.”
He said that the IVF disagreement had made matters worse.
Chrissy had become increasingly interested in pursuing treatment.
She spent hours researching clinics and procedures, comparing costs, and looking at financing arrangements.
Jared had reviewed some of the information but was concerned about the expense.
He explained that they were not financially destitute, but they had responsibilities and were not in a position to spend a large amount of money without careful consideration.
He was particularly uncomfortable borrowing from family members.
He did not want their private struggle to become a financial obligation involving parents and relatives.
He also worried about the possibility that an initial IVF attempt might not result in pregnancy.
What would happen if they borrowed the money and the procedure was unsuccessful?
Would Chrissy want to try again?
Would they feel obligated to continue because they had already invested so much?
Would they find themselves borrowing even more?
“I don’t want to tell her that we can’t have children. I just don’t want to promise that we’ll spend money we don’t have on something that isn’t guaranteed.”
The counselor asked whether Jared had considered obtaining a detailed financial estimate and discussing the options with a financial professional before rejecting the possibility altogether.
He admitted that he had not.
He had looked at the general costs and concluded that they could not afford the procedure.
He had not seriously considered whether there might be a way to plan for it without placing their marriage in financial jeopardy.
The counselor also asked whether he understood why Chrissy felt so strongly about pursuing IVF.
Jared said that he did.
But he wondered whether she had become so focused on becoming pregnant that she could no longer consider the consequences.
He admitted that he had occasionally told her she needed to accept that they might never have children.
He had meant that they needed to prepare themselves emotionally for that possibility.
But he realized that she probably heard something quite different.
She heard him suggesting that she should stop hoping.
The counselor asked him to consider how he would feel if he were told that he might never become a father.
Jared became quiet.
“I would be devastated. I don’t know what I’d do.”
The counselor reminded him that Chrissy was confronting that possibility every month.
Jared acknowledged that he had sometimes underestimated the emotional impact.
He also admitted that his attempts to encourage her spiritually had occasionally become a way of ending conversations he found difficult.
He believed in trusting God.
But he was beginning to understand that Chrissy did not need another reminder that she should have more faith.
She needed her husband to recognize that she was hurting.
“I don’t want her to think that I’m putting money ahead of her. I’m trying to protect us. I just don’t know how to make her understand that.”
Chrissy’s Story
“I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I never imagined that seven years into our marriage, I would still be wondering whether I would ever have a child.”
Chrissy entered counseling emotionally exhausted.
She said that the past two years had changed the way she viewed herself, her marriage, and her future.
When they first began trying to conceive, she had been excited.
She imagined telling Jared that they were expecting. She pictured the two of them preparing a nursery, choosing names, and sharing the experience of becoming parents.
She assumed it would happen.
But the months passed.
Each menstrual cycle brought another disappointment.
She described the emotional pattern as almost unbearable.
“There is always a little part of me that hopes. Even when I tell myself not to get excited, I do. Then I start my period, and I feel like I’ve lost something all over again.”
The counselor asked whether she had been able to discuss those feelings with Jared.
She said she tried, but she often felt that he wanted her to move on too quickly.
He would remind her that they had each other, that God had a plan, and that there were other ways to have a meaningful life.
She understood that he was trying to help.
But those comments sometimes made her feel as though he wanted her to stop being sad.
“I don’t want him to fix it. I know he can’t. I just want him to understand that this is breaking my heart.”
She explained that she had become increasingly interested in IVF because it represented a possibility.
It was not a guarantee, and she understood that.
But it was something they could investigate.
She had read about couples who had experienced unexplained infertility and eventually pursued assisted reproductive treatment.
She knew there were no assurances, but she did not want to look back years later and wonder whether they had given up too soon.
The financial issue had become particularly painful.
She had researched the cost of treatment and knew it would be expensive.
But she believed they could find a way.
Perhaps they could borrow some of the money.
Perhaps their parents would help.
Perhaps they could arrange financing and pay it back over time.
She was willing to make sacrifices.
She was willing to postpone vacations, reduce discretionary spending, and make other changes.
What she could not understand was Jared’s unwillingness to explore those possibilities.
“When he says we can’t afford it, I feel like he’s already decided that having a child isn’t worth the expense.”
The counselor asked whether Jared had ever told her that he did not want children.
“No. He says he does. But I don’t see him doing anything about it.”
The counselor asked whether she considered the possibility that his resistance was based on financial concerns rather than a lack of desire to become a father.
Chrissy acknowledged that it was possible.
But she still felt that he was not taking her emotional needs seriously.
She also admitted that she had sometimes accused him of being selfish.
During one particularly heated argument, she had told him that if he really wanted a child, he would find the money.
She regretted saying it, but at the time she felt desperate.
She explained that the subject had become so painful that even ordinary conversations could lead to arguments.
Sometimes Jared would mention a friend who had recently become a father, and she would become quiet.
Other times, she would see a pregnant woman at the grocery store and feel an unexpected wave of sadness.
She did not resent other people for having children.
But she could not help wondering why something that seemed to happen so naturally for others had become such a struggle for them.
The counselor asked whether she had considered that Jared might also be experiencing grief.
Chrissy paused.
She admitted that she usually focused on her own disappointment.
She knew Jared wanted children, but because he did not express his feelings as openly, she sometimes assumed he was less affected.
She had not considered that his reluctance to discuss the subject might be his way of dealing with disappointment.
The counselor then asked about her relationship with God.
Chrissy said that her faith was important to her.
She prayed regularly and believed that God cared about her circumstances.
But she sometimes struggled with the thought that she might never experience motherhood.
She did not believe that her inability to conceive meant God was punishing her.
Nevertheless, she found herself asking why this was happening.
She had also become uncomfortable when Jared encouraged her to trust God.
“I know I’m supposed to trust Him. But sometimes I just want to cry. I don’t want another Bible verse. I want my husband to put his arms around me and tell me that he understands.”
The counselor asked whether she had told Jared that.
She shook her head.
“Not exactly. I usually just get angry.”
Chrissy also admitted that she had become so focused on IVF that she sometimes found it difficult to discuss anything else.
She spent a considerable amount of time researching procedures and costs.
She wanted Jared to become as interested as she was.
But the more he resisted, the more determined she became to persuade him.
She recognized that their discussions had become arguments rather than conversations.
She did not want their marriage to deteriorate.
But she was afraid that if they did nothing, she would lose her opportunity to become a mother.
She looked at the counselor.
“I don’t know how to accept the possibility that I might never have a child. I don’t know how to live with that.”
The counselor acknowledged that this was a profound fear.
Chrissy did not need to resolve it in a single counseling session.
Nor did she need to pretend that the possibility of childlessness was something she could easily accept.
She needed a place where she could grieve, ask questions, and explore her options without feeling that she was disappointing her husband or failing in her faith.
For the first time in several months, Chrissy felt that someone understood what she was trying to express.
The Counseling Process
The counselor began by helping Jared and Chrissy recognize that they were facing two related but different problems.
The first was their inability to conceive.
The second was the way that disappointment and uncertainty were affecting their marriage.
The counselor explained that infertility can involve a significant emotional loss even when no pregnancy has occurred.
Couples may grieve the child they hoped to have, the family they imagined, and the future they expected to share.
That grief can be particularly difficult because it often has no clear ending.
There is no specific date when a couple is told that all hope is gone.
Instead, they may experience repeated cycles of anticipation, disappointment, renewed hope, and uncertainty.
For Chrissy, the beginning of each menstrual cycle had become a recurring emotional reminder of what she wanted but did not have.
Jared needed to understand that her sadness was not simply a reaction to one disappointing month.
It was the accumulation of two years of disappointment and the growing fear that motherhood might never become part of her life.
The counselor also helped Jared recognize that Chrissy was not necessarily asking him to solve the problem.
Sometimes she needed him to listen.
Sometimes she needed affection.
Sometimes she needed to cry without being reminded that she should be more optimistic.
The counselor explained that there was an important difference between offering encouragement and unintentionally dismissing someone’s grief.
When Jared told Chrissy to trust God and not let the situation pull her under emotionally, he intended to offer hope.
But she sometimes heard that she was not responding to the situation appropriately.
The counselor encouraged Jared to consider a different response.
Instead of immediately offering an explanation or spiritual reassurance, he could say, “I know how much you want this. I’m hurting with you. I wish I could make it happen.”
He could ask whether she wanted to talk or simply wanted him to sit beside her.
He could acknowledge her sadness without trying to eliminate it.
The counselor also reminded both spouses that faith and grief were not mutually exclusive.
A person could trust God while experiencing sadness, disappointment, and uncertainty.
Chrissy did not have to suppress her emotions to demonstrate faithfulness.
And Jared did not have to find an explanation for their circumstances to remain a supportive husband.
Their faith could become a source of shared strength rather than another subject over which they disagreed.
The counselor then turned to Jared’s concerns.
He needed to explain his financial objections without allowing them to sound like a rejection of Chrissy’s desire for a child.
He was entitled to be concerned about debt.
A substantial medical expense could affect their financial stability for years.
He also needed to consider that IVF involved uncertainty. Spending money on treatment did not guarantee that they would become parents.
The counselor explained that both concerns deserved serious attention.
Chrissy’s longing for a child did not automatically justify borrowing whatever amount might be necessary.
Jared’s concern about debt did not automatically mean that pursuing treatment was financially irresponsible.
They needed information rather than assumptions.
The counselor asked whether they had obtained a detailed estimate from a fertility clinic.
Chrissy said she had researched general costs but had not arranged a comprehensive financial consultation with a clinic.
Jared had not wanted to pursue one because he believed the expense would be beyond their means.
The counselor suggested that they arrange a consultation together.
They needed to understand the anticipated costs, what those costs included, what additional expenses might arise, and what financial arrangements were available.
They also needed to discuss the possibility that more than one treatment attempt might be necessary.
The counselor emphasized that they should not make financial commitments based on optimistic assumptions.
Nor should they reject an option without understanding what it actually involved.
The counselor then introduced an important distinction.
They were not deciding whether Chrissy’s dream of motherhood was worth spending money on.
They were deciding whether a particular medical treatment, with its costs, uncertainties, and potential consequences, was a responsible decision for their family.
That was a very different discussion.
Chrissy began to understand that Jared’s hesitation did not necessarily mean he valued money more than her.
Jared began to understand that Chrissy’s desire to explore IVF did not mean she was indifferent to their financial future.
Both were frightened.
Chrissy feared that time would pass and she would never become a mother.
Jared feared that their desire to have a child would lead them into financial difficulties they could not easily overcome.
Neither fear was unreasonable.
The counselor encouraged them to establish a process for making the decision.
They would gather complete information from the reproductive physician and the clinic.
They would prepare a realistic household budget.
They would identify how much they could reasonably contribute without jeopardizing essential financial obligations.
They would discuss whether borrowing was even a possibility, and if so, how much debt they could responsibly manage.
They would not approach family members for money until they had first agreed on what they were asking for and what repayment expectations would be.
The counselor also encouraged them to consider their emotional readiness for the process.
IVF could involve repeated appointments, procedures, uncertainty, and disappointment.
They needed to discuss how they would support one another if a treatment attempt was unsuccessful.
Would they want to try again?
Would there be a financial limit?
Would they need to pause?
These were difficult questions, but avoiding them would not make the decisions easier.
The counselor emphasized that neither spouse should be pressured into agreeing to a medical procedure or accepting financial obligations.
A decision of this magnitude required genuine agreement.
The counselor then addressed the recurring arguments.
Both admitted that their disagreements had become increasingly hostile.
Chrissy sometimes accused Jared of not wanting children.
Jared sometimes accused Chrissy of being unrealistic and allowing emotion to control her judgment.
On several occasions, the arguments had become so intense that Chrissy’s parents intervened.
The counselor explained that involving family members in an escalating argument could sometimes help de-escalate an immediate situation, but it could also create additional complications if parents became regular participants in the couple’s disagreements.
Jared and Chrissy needed to develop a way to stop arguments before they reached that point.
They agreed that either spouse could request a break when a discussion became too emotional.
The break would not be used to punish the other person or avoid the subject indefinitely.
They would agree to return to the conversation after both had calmed down.
The counselor also encouraged them to stop making accusations about one another’s motives.
Chrissy needed to stop saying that Jared did not really want children simply because he was reluctant to borrow money.
Jared needed to stop describing her as irrational or financially irresponsible simply because she wanted to investigate treatment.
They could disagree about a decision without questioning the other’s love or commitment.
One session focused specifically on the monthly emotional cycle.
The counselor asked Jared what he typically did when Chrissy’s menstrual cycle began.
He explained that he tried to comfort her and remind her that they still had options.
The counselor asked Chrissy what she needed during those moments.
She thought for a moment.
“I want him to understand that I’m disappointed. I don’t need him to tell me everything will be fine. He doesn’t know that.”
Jared looked at her.
“I guess I’ve been trying to make you feel better.”
“I know. But sometimes I just need to be sad.”
The counselor asked Jared to consider whether he could allow Chrissy to experience that sadness without immediately trying to change it.
He nodded.
The counselor then asked Chrissy to consider what Jared might be experiencing.
She looked at him.
“I know you want a child, too. I guess I haven’t always thought about how difficult this is for you.”
Jared explained that he sometimes felt helpless.
He wanted to comfort her, but he did not know how.
He also felt that he was expected to make a decision about IVF before they had sufficient information.
“I don’t want to tell you no. I want us to know what we’re getting into.”
Chrissy nodded.
“I don’t want to put us in a financial mess. I just don’t want us to give up without trying.”
For the first time, they were able to express their concerns without immediately turning them into accusations.
The counselor also recommended that Chrissy consider individual counseling with someone experienced in infertility-related grief.
This was not because there was something wrong with her or because her emotional response was excessive.
It was because she needed support that did not depend entirely on Jared.
He could be a loving husband, but he could not be her only source of emotional support.
The counselor also suggested that they find a support group for couples experiencing infertility.
Talking with people who understood the monthly disappointment, medical uncertainty, and emotional exhaustion might help them feel less isolated.
They discussed the possibility of exploring other paths to parenthood, including adoption, but the counselor cautioned against introducing those alternatives as though they were simple substitutes for biological parenthood.
Chrissy needed time to grieve the possibility that pregnancy might not happen.
Jared needed to understand that suggesting adoption immediately could make her feel that he was trying to move past her grief before she was ready.
They could explore other possibilities when both were prepared to do so.
Several weeks later, Jared and Chrissy attended the fertility clinic together.
They asked questions and obtained more detailed information about the treatment options and financial obligations.
The consultation did not provide an easy answer.
There were expenses they had not previously considered, and no assurance that treatment would result in a pregnancy.
Jared remained concerned.
Chrissy remained hopeful.
But their discussion afterward was different.
They did not argue.
They agreed to take some time to review the information and examine their finances.
They also agreed that they would not borrow money from their parents without first determining what they could responsibly afford themselves.
The counselor helped them establish another important principle.
Their marriage could not become entirely organized around the possibility of having a child.
They needed to continue doing things they enjoyed together.
They needed to maintain friendships, participate in activities, and make plans that did not depend on whether Chrissy became pregnant.
This was not an invitation to forget their desire for children.
It was a reminder that their marriage had value independent of the outcome of their fertility journey.
They also discussed their spiritual lives.
Jared acknowledged that he had sometimes used religious encouragement when he did not know what else to say.
Chrissy acknowledged that she had sometimes interpreted his words as evidence that he did not understand or care about her feelings.
They agreed to pray together, but without making prayer another occasion for telling one another how they should feel.
They could ask God for wisdom, strength, and comfort without demanding that either spouse immediately become emotionally settled.
One evening, several weeks into counseling, Chrissy received her period.
She had been hopeful that month.
She went into the bedroom and began crying.
Jared found her there.
He sat beside her and put his arm around her.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
She leaned against him.
“I thought this might be the month.”
“I know.”
“I don’t know how many more times I can go through this.”
Jared held her.
“I don’t know either. But we’re going through it together.”
He did not tell her to stop crying.
He did not remind her to trust God.
He simply stayed beside her.
It was one of the most important moments in their counseling process.
Jared was learning that sometimes loving his wife meant allowing her to hurt without trying to make the hurt disappear.
Chrissy was learning that Jared’s different response to disappointment did not mean he was less committed to becoming a father.
They were beginning to face the uncertainty together rather than allowing it to divide them.
Can This Marriage Survive?
Yes. Jared and Chrissy have a good opportunity to preserve and strengthen their marriage, but they must recognize that their desire to become parents cannot be allowed to destroy the relationship they already have.
Chrissy needs to understand that Jared’s financial concerns are not necessarily evidence that he values money more than her happiness.
He wants to become a father, too.
But he is also responsible for considering the financial consequences of a decision that could involve substantial expense without guaranteeing the outcome they desire.
She has every right to explore IVF and ask questions about treatment.
She also has a responsibility to participate in making a financially responsible decision rather than treating Jared’s reluctance as proof that he does not care.
She must also allow herself to grieve without allowing disappointment to become a reason for attacking her husband.
Her sadness deserves compassion, not criticism. But her husband cannot be expected to resolve an emotional loss that neither of them can control.
Jared has an equally important responsibility.
He needs to understand that Chrissy’s monthly disappointment is not something she can simply overcome through positive thinking or religious encouragement.
Telling her to trust God may be well intended, but it should never become a way of silencing her grief.
Faith does not require the absence of sorrow.
He needs to listen, offer affection, and acknowledge the seriousness of what she is experiencing.
He also needs to recognize that his own grief deserves attention.
He should not assume that because he expresses disappointment differently, his feelings are less important.
Both spouses need to make decisions about IVF together.
They should obtain reliable medical and financial information, consider the possible outcomes, and establish limits they can both accept.
Borrowing from family members or taking on substantial debt should never be an impulsive response to emotional desperation.
At the same time, financial caution should not become an automatic refusal to investigate every possibility.
They must also recognize that their marriage is worth protecting regardless of whether they eventually become parents.
Having a child may be one of their greatest desires, but it cannot become the only measure of whether their marriage has a future.
They need to preserve their affection, friendship, communication, and shared faith while confronting the uncertainty.
Finally, they need to stop allowing their disagreements to escalate to the point that family members must intervene.
They can seek support from parents, friends, counselors, and others they trust, but they must learn to resolve their differences without turning every discussion into a confrontation.
Their future remains uncertain.
They may pursue IVF. They may decide that the financial and emotional risks are too great. They may eventually explore other paths to parenthood, or they may have to face the possibility of a life without children.
None of those outcomes is something they can guarantee today.
But they can decide how they will treat one another while they face the uncertainty.
That decision may be one of the most important ones they make.
Outcome
One year after beginning counseling, Jared and Chrissy were still married, and their relationship had become considerably more stable.
They had not resolved every question surrounding parenthood.
They had not found a medical explanation for their infertility, and they had not received the news they had hoped for.
But they were no longer allowing each disappointing month to become another marital crisis.
Chrissy had begun individual counseling with a therapist experienced in infertility-related grief.
She found it helpful to talk with someone who understood the emotional burden of repeated disappointment.
She also began attending a support group for women experiencing infertility.
For the first time, she was able to talk openly with other women who understood the experience of hoping each month and being disappointed again.
She still had difficult days.
There were occasions when she became emotional after receiving her period, and she sometimes found it difficult to be around pregnant friends or relatives.
But she no longer felt that she had to hide those feelings from Jared or that she needed to recover immediately.
Jared had also changed.
He had become more comfortable listening without immediately offering solutions.
He still encouraged Chrissy spiritually, but he had learned to be more sensitive about when and how he did so.
He no longer assumed that a reminder about God’s faithfulness was all she needed.
Sometimes she needed him to listen.
Sometimes she needed him to pray with her.
Sometimes she simply needed him to hold her.
The IVF question remained unresolved for several months.
After reviewing the information from the clinic and examining their finances, they concluded that they could not responsibly take on the amount of debt that would be required at that time.
Chrissy was disappointed.
She had hoped they would find a way to proceed.
But Jared made an effort to demonstrate that he was not simply dismissing the possibility.
He agreed that they could continue saving money, investigate any legitimate financial assistance programs for which they might qualify, and revisit the decision after a specified period.
They also agreed that they would not borrow money from their parents unless both were comfortable with the arrangement and understood the repayment expectations.
The decision was not entirely satisfying to either spouse.
Chrissy still wished they could move forward with treatment.
Jared still worried about the financial consequences.
But they had reached the decision together rather than through an argument.
They also began discussing what they wanted their future to look like if they never had children.
Those conversations were difficult.
Chrissy was not ready to abandon the hope of motherhood, and Jared did not expect her to do so.
They discussed adoption, but agreed not to treat it as an immediate replacement for pregnancy.
They wanted to understand what that path involved before making any decisions.
More importantly, they began making plans that did not revolve entirely around becoming parents.
They took a short vacation, reconnected with friends, and started spending more time doing things they had enjoyed before infertility became the center of their lives.
One evening, several months after counseling had ended, Chrissy received her period.
She had been particularly hopeful that month.
She was quiet throughout dinner and eventually went into the bedroom.
Jared found her sitting on the bed.
He sat beside her.
“Another disappointing month,” she said.
He nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
She began crying.
“I just wanted this so badly.”
Jared put his arm around her.
“I know, sweetheart. I want it, too.”
She leaned against him.
For a few minutes, neither said anything.
Eventually, Chrissy looked up.
“Do you ever wonder whether we’ll ever have children?”
“Of course I do.”
“What if we don’t?”
Jared took her hand.
“Then we’ll have to figure out what our life looks like. But I don’t want us to lose each other while we’re trying to figure it out.”
Chrissy nodded.
“I don’t want that either.”
He kissed her forehead.
“We don’t have to answer every question tonight.”
They remained together for a while.
Their circumstances had not changed.
They were still facing infertility. They still did not know whether they would ever become parents. They still had difficult decisions ahead.
But something important had changed.
They were no longer treating each other’s responses to disappointment as evidence of a lack of love.
Chrissy had learned that Jared’s financial caution did not mean he was unwilling to become a father.
Jared had learned that Chrissy’s emotional struggles did not mean she lacked faith or was unwilling to accept reality.
They were learning to grieve together.
And they were beginning to understand that their marriage deserved the same care and attention they had been giving to the dream of having a child.
They did not know what the future held.
But they had stopped allowing that uncertainty to determine the quality of their relationship today.
For now, that was an important beginning.
Jared and Chrissy still hoped to become parents.
But they were learning that before they could build the family they dreamed about, they needed to protect the marriage they already had.