The divorce rate has actually been on a steady decline since the 90s, and it’s projected that 63% of couples that marry in the 2000s will never divorce. Still nervous? While there is no magic formula that can guarantee your marital relationship will last a lifetime, there are a number of sound principles you can apply that will significantly minimize your risk of divorce.
- Begin with yourself. If you want to be happy in your relationship, you must first be happy with yourself. If there are reasons you feel unhappy or dissatisfied, these feelings could be the product of a personal wound either from the past or present. If you can become a stronger, emotionally healthier person your marriage will be stronger too.
- Accept the fact that you’re not marrying perfection. Your spouse will make mistakes that upset you, but this doesn’t make him or her a bad person. Understand that your spouse chose you in spite of your faults. Tolerating, being patient, accommodating, and not complaining are wonderful ways to communicate commitment and love. Expect that there will be conflicts and disagreements sometimes in the same night. Be willing to talk about them and refuse to harbor resentment for days, weeks, or months.
- Anticipate that things won’t always go your way. If you push your point and not try to compromise or negotiate you will eventually alienate your spouse. Look for signs that indicate all is not well. Is your spouse withdrawn? Does he or she seem irritated by the fact that you’re in the room? Do you continually interrupt when your spouse is speaking? Do you look for ways to debate or prove your mate wrong? Are you thinking of your response before your spouse finishes speaking?
- Marriage is not about happiness. I’m not talking to the woman suffering in a truly abusive marriage, but the one whose husband is emotionally clueless or who is selfish. I’m talking to the woman whose husband is “boring.” I’m talking to the man who thinks the grass is greener on the proverbial ‘other side’ or who is discontent because he has an unrealistic picture of what marriage would look like if he were married to someone else. I’m talking to the woman who thinks that if she were married to so-and-so, she would be happy. Marriage is not about happiness. It’s about love and commitment. It’s an opportunity to become selfless. It’s a chance to learn what it means to serve another person with your whole heart. Sometimes that’s hard.
- Healthy marriages struggle. There is no marriage on the face of the earth that has not encountered difficulty. We see two examples of marriage today: One is the picture-perfect marriage in which two people have children and seem to get through the hard parts without any difficulty. I’d like to suggest that this is simply untrue. All couples struggle. The other kind of marriage is the one that is flat-out awful. These couples make the cover of People Magazine for a while and we’re fascinated, but then they divorce and another exciting and newsworthy couple takes their place. After all, ordinary marriages are not newsworthy.
- Don’t threaten divorce. In a moment of anger, frustration, or desperation, some couples threaten divorce in order to hurt their partner. We should never use divorce as a punishment, weapon, or way to gain leverage in an argument. Doing so can cause a great deal of pain and insecurity; and ironically, it may set the stage for divorce in the future.
- Divorce is devastating with much collateral damage. Don’t let anyone fool you. It affects everyone including your kids, your future grandchildren, your parents, your in-laws and friends. There is a flood of articles and books that suggest divorce isn’t as bad as you fear it will be. There are even therapists who will minimize the damage, but more often than not this is more about their personal situation than about yours. Divorce is the death of a family unit and it is traumatic even to adult children. It will take a psychological toll on you as well.
- Determine to have a Christ-centered marriage. A Christ-centered home is a place where family members speak, act and relate to one another with the awareness that the Lord Jesus is present in everything they do. It is a household in which He is the unseen guest at every meal, the silent listener to every conversation.
- Pray with one other. Prayer is a powerful method for creating deep intimacy between a husband and wife. Being vulnerable with one another before the throne of God can strengthen a couple’s emotional and spiritual bond. (Couples who consistently pray together have less than a 1% divorce rate.)
- Communicate. Consistent, meaningful communication is essential for your relationship to withstand the pressures and problems of life. Be open and honest with one another. Be intentional about listening to your partner’s point of view, resisting the urge to argue, correct, or become angry with your partner.
- Learn your partner’s love language. Get to know your partner’s love language (i.e., words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, or gifts) so that you can communicate in a way your partner can understand.
- Remember that marriage is not a 50-50 proposition.Your responsibility is independent of what your mate does or doesn’t do. When a spouse looks at marriage as a 50-50 agreement, they will be tempted to point out how the other treats them. However, when a couple view marriage as a 100-100 proposition, they will have a much stronger and happier marriage.
- Learn how to fight fair. While arguments are a healthy and natural part of human relationships, a great deal of harm can occur if a couple fights in a malicious or destructive way. You can prevent healthy conflict from turning into dirty fighting by avoiding power struggles, interrupting, name-calling, jumping to conclusions, being derogatory, etc. Stay focused on protecting the relationship. Actively listen to your partner’s concerns with an attitude of acceptance. Keep your argument from escalating into a heated battle by taking a time-out to cool down. Once you are calm, return to the discussion and look for a win-in solution.
- End the day with a clean slate. Ephesians 4:26 commands us to not let the sun go down while we are still angry or we will give Satan a “foothold.” Make it your goal to keep short accounts with your spouse on a daily basis.
- Practice forgiveness. When your partner emotionally wounds you, you have two choices. You can ruminate about your hurt or you can choose to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that condone their actions, but that you choose to let the debt go and move ahead with your relationship.
- Have regular sexual relations. Don’t let sex fall by the wayside. If regular sex doesn’t happen naturally you may want to consider scheduling a time for sex. While at first it may seem unromantic, scheduling regular sex can be a wonderful way to insure that there is sexual intimacy in your busy lives.
- Discuss finances on a regular basis. Too often, serious marital problems arise out of conflict over finances. You and your partner may have different expectations about money, so it’s important to reach an agreement on how to budget money and handle debt. Live within your means.
- Guard Your Heart. Protect your eyes, ears and mind. Set boundaries that will prevent temptation. Husbands, make it your practice to consistently look away when your eyes are drawn to other women. Wives, when someone other than your husband is attentive and caring, remember to whom you made a promise to love—even when times are difficult.
- Give each other space. It’s a common misconception that couples who are truly in love should be joined at the hip. The reality is quite the opposite—alone time can be one of the healthiest things for a relationship. By spending time apart you give your mate an opportunity to miss you. If you both enjoy your own interests, hobbies, and friends during your time apart, you can return to each other rejuvenated and ready to share your experiences.
- Stay healthy. Taking care of your body isn’t just essential for your physical health. It can also boost your energy levels, reduce stress, and improve intimacy between the two of you. Try working out together. Studies have found that couples who engage in physical activities together are happier in their relationships and more in love with their partner.
© Copyright 2022, North Alabama Christian Counseling, LLC, All Rights Reserved.