If you’ve spent any time around dating advice—especially online—you’ve probably heard the phrase, “What do you bring to the table?” It’s a question that pops up often, especially when men are evaluating potential partners. On the surface, it might seem like a reasonable way to assess compatibility or shared values. But if we dig a little deeper, especially from a Christian perspective, we start to see why this question is actually the wrong one to ask. It’s not just about the words themselves; it’s about the mindset behind them and the message it sends to the women on the receiving end.
Let’s talk about what this question really means, why it’s problematic, and what a better approach might look like for Christians who want to build healthy, God-honoring relationships.
What Does “What Do You Bring to the Table?” Really Mean?
At its core, “What do you bring to the table?” is a transactional question. It’s like sitting down at a restaurant and asking the waiter, “What’s on the menu?” before deciding if you want to eat there. The implication is that you’re looking for a list of qualities, skills, or resources that the other person can offer to make your life better. Maybe you’re hoping for someone who’s a great cook, financially stable, emotionally supportive, or shares your hobbies. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner who complements you, but when you phrase it this way, you’re reducing the person to a set of features or benefits.
In Christian relationships, this approach can be especially damaging. The Bible teaches us that every person is made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), which means every individual has inherent worth and dignity. When we start asking what someone “brings to the table,” we risk treating them as a means to an end rather than a person to be loved and respected.
Why Is This Question Problematic?
There are a few reasons why “What do you bring to the table?” is the wrong question to ask, especially from a Christian perspective.
1. It’s Transactional
The biggest issue is that it makes relationships feel like a business deal. You’re not looking for a partner; you’re looking for a set of services or qualities that will benefit you. This is the opposite of what the Bible teaches about love. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul writes that love is patient, kind, and not self-seeking. Love isn’t about what you can get out of someone; it’s about giving yourself to another person.
When you ask a woman what she brings to the table, you’re putting the focus on what she can do for you, not on who she is as a person. That’s not love; that’s a transaction.
2. It Can Be Demeaning
Imagine being asked, “What do you bring to the table?” How would you feel? For many women, this question feels like an interview or an audition. It implies that their value is based on their utility—what they can offer you—rather than on their inherent worth as a child of God.
This can be especially hurtful in a culture where women have often been judged more for what they can provide (cooking, cleaning, child-rearing) than for who they are. As Christians, we’re called to treat everyone with dignity and respect, not to reduce them to a list of skills or assets.
3. It Misses the Point of Relationships
Relationships aren’t about finding someone who checks all your boxes or meets all your needs. They’re about growing together, supporting each other, and pointing each other toward Christ. The Bible says that two are better than one because they can help each other up when they fall (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). But this isn’t about what you can get; it’s about what you can give.
When you focus on what someone brings to the table, you’re missing the opportunity to really get to know them—their heart, their faith, their dreams, and their struggles. You’re focusing on the wrong things.
4. It Can Lead to Unrealistic Expectations
If you’re always looking for someone who “brings a lot to the table,” you might miss out on a great relationship because the person doesn’t seem impressive enough on paper. But relationships aren’t built on resumes or checklists. They’re built on love, trust, and shared values.
The Bible warns us against judging by appearances (1 Samuel 16:7). God looks at the heart, and so should we. If you’re always evaluating people based on what they can offer you, you might miss the person God has for you.
What’s a Better Question to Ask?
So if “What do you bring to the table?” is the wrong question, what should you ask instead? Here are a few ideas that are more in line with a Christian approach to relationships.
1. “What Are You Passionate About?”
This question helps you get to know the person’s heart. It’s not about what they can do for you, but about what makes them come alive. Maybe they’re passionate about serving others, about their faith, or about a particular hobby. This is a much better way to start a conversation and build a connection.
2. “How Does Your Faith Influence Your Life?”
For Christians, faith is the foundation of everything. Asking how someone’s faith shapes their decisions, relationships, and daily life is a great way to see if your values align. It’s not about checking a box; it’s about understanding who they are at their core.
3. “What Do You Hope for in a Relationship?”
This question shifts the focus from what the other person can offer you to what you both want to build together. It’s about shared goals and dreams, not about individual achievements.
4. “How Can We Encourage Each Other?”
This question reflects the biblical idea that relationships are about mutual support and growth. It’s not about what you can get, but about how you can help each other become the people God created you to be.
What Does the Bible Say About Relationships?
The Bible has a lot to say about how we should treat one another in relationships. Here are a few key principles:
1. Love Is Not Self-Seeking
In 1 Corinthians 13:5, Paul writes that love “does not seek its own.” This means that love isn’t about what you can get out of a relationship, but about what you can give. When you ask what someone brings to the table, you’re making it about you, not about them.
2. Treat Others with Respect
The Bible teaches us to “honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10). This means treating everyone with dignity and respect, regardless of what they can offer you.
3. Look at the Heart
God told Samuel, “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). If we want to follow God’s example, we need to focus on the heart, not on external qualities or achievements.
4. Build Each Other Up
In Ephesians 4:29, Paul writes, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Asking what someone brings to the table isn’t building them up; it’s putting them on the spot and making them feel like they have to prove themselves.
How Should Christians Approach Relationships?
If you’re a Christian looking for a relationship, here are a few practical tips for approaching things in a way that honors God and the other person.
1. Focus on Character, Not Checklist
Instead of looking for someone who checks all your boxes, look for someone whose character reflects Christ. Look for kindness, humility, faithfulness, and a heart for God.
2. Get to Know the Person
Take the time to really get to know the other person. Ask about their story, their struggles, and their dreams. Listen more than you talk, and be genuinely interested in who they are.
3. Pray for Wisdom
Ask God to guide you in your relationships. Pray for wisdom to see people as He sees them, and for the humility to put others first.
4. Be Patient
Good relationships take time. Don’t rush into things or put pressure on yourself or the other person to “prove their worth.” Trust that God has a plan and a purpose for your life.
What If You’ve Asked the Wrong Question?
If you’ve ever asked someone, “What do you bring to the table?” don’t beat yourself up. We all make mistakes, and the important thing is to learn and grow. If you realize that you’ve been approaching relationships in a transactional way, take some time to reflect on what you really want and what God wants for you.
Ask God to help you see people as He sees them—precious, valuable, and worthy of love and respect. Then, make an effort to change your approach. Focus on building genuine connections, not on checking boxes or making deals.
Final Thoughts
Asking a woman, “What do you bring to the table?” might seem like a practical question, but it’s actually the wrong question to ask. It’s transactional, potentially demeaning, and misses the point of what relationships are really about. As Christians, we’re called to love others as Christ loved us—selflessly, sacrificially, and with respect for their inherent worth.
Instead of focusing on what someone can offer you, focus on who they are. Get to know their heart, their faith, and their dreams. Build relationships based on mutual respect, love, and a shared desire to follow Christ. That’s the kind of relationship that truly honors God—and the kind that will bring real joy and fulfillment to your life.
So, the next time you’re tempted to ask, “What do you bring to the table?” try asking something else instead. Ask about their passions, their faith, or their hopes. You might be surprised at how much richer and more meaningful your relationships become when you focus on the right things.