If you’ve spent any time around single women’s Bible studies, church small groups, or even just scrolling through social media, you’ve probably heard the question: “Where have all the good men gone?” It’s a phrase that gets tossed around with a sigh, a roll of the eyes, or sometimes a hint of frustration. The implication is clear—good men are a rare breed, an endangered species in today’s dating jungle. But is that really the case? Are all the good men hiding, or have we just stopped noticing them?

Let’s take a closer look at this question, especially from a Christian viewpoint, and see if we can uncover what’s really going on.

The Myth of the Missing Good Man

First, let’s address the elephant in the room: the idea that good men have disappeared. It’s easy to believe when you hear stories of heartbreak, see friends struggle with dating apps, or watch movies where every guy is a “bad boy” or a commitment-phobe. But the truth is, there are plenty of good men out there—men who love the Lord, want to build a family, and are genuinely seeking a partner to walk through life with.

So why do so many women feel like they’re nowhere to be found? And why do so many good men feel like they’re being overlooked?

The Quiet Men in the Crowd

One of the realities of our culture is that the loudest voices tend to get the most attention. In dating, this often means the most outgoing, flashy, or flirtatious men stand out. But what about the quiet, steady guys—the ones who are faithful in their church attendance, who serve behind the scenes, who aren’t posting selfies every day or sliding into DMs with cheesy pickup lines? These men are often overlooked, not because they lack character, but because they don’t fit the mold of what’s “exciting” or “romantic” by worldly standards.

Many good men are introverted or reserved. They may not make a grand entrance, but they show up when it counts. They might not be the life of the party, but they’re the first to volunteer when someone needs help moving, or to pray with a friend in crisis. These are the men who will make faithful husbands and loving fathers—but they often get passed by in the dating world because they don’t demand attention.

The Pressure Cooker of Modern Dating

Let’s be honest: dating today is tough. Social media, dating apps, and the endless parade of “options” can make it feel like you’re always one swipe away from someone better. This culture of comparison puts pressure on both men and women to present a perfect version of themselves, and it can be exhausting.

For good men, this environment can be especially discouraging. Many Christian men want to pursue women in a godly way, but they feel out of place in a world that values instant chemistry over steady commitment. They’re not interested in playing games or chasing after someone who isn’t interested. They want to be intentional, but they also don’t want to come across as desperate or pushy.

As a result, some good men withdraw from the dating scene altogether. They focus on their work, their faith, and their friendships, hoping that if God wants them to find a wife, He’ll make it happen in His timing. While this is a noble attitude, it can also lead to a kind of passivity that keeps them from taking healthy risks in relationships.

Overlooked, Not Missing

Here’s the heart of the matter: many good men aren’t missing—they’re just overlooked. They’re sitting in the pews, serving in the children’s ministry, leading Bible studies, or quietly working hard at their jobs. They’re not posting about their latest adventure or trying to impress anyone with their spiritual resume. They’re simply living out their faith, day by day.

Why do they get overlooked? Sometimes, it’s because women have been hurt before and have built up walls. Sometimes, it’s because the qualities that make a man a good long-term partner—faithfulness, humility, patience—aren’t always flashy or immediately attractive. And sometimes, it’s just a matter of timing and circumstance.

What Good Men Wish Women Knew

If you talk to single Christian men, many will tell you that they want to be noticed—not for their looks, their job, or their social skills, but for their character and their heart for God. They want to be pursued, too, or at least encouraged to pursue. Here’s what some of them wish women knew:

  • They’re nervous, too. Approaching someone takes courage, especially in a church setting where rejection can feel extra personal.

  • They want real connection. Many good men aren’t interested in shallow conversations. They want to talk about faith, dreams, and the future.

  • They value encouragement. A little encouragement goes a long way. A smile, a kind word, or a simple “thank you” can give a man the confidence to take the next step.

  • They’re looking for a partner, not a project. Good men want to be loved for who they are, not for their potential or for how much they can change.

What Women Can Do

If you’re a single woman wondering where all the good men have gone, here are a few things to consider:

  • Look beyond the surface. Pay attention to the men who serve quietly, who are faithful in small things, and who treat others with respect.

  • Be approachable. Sometimes, a friendly smile or a simple conversation can open the door to something more.

  • Encourage, don’t chase. You don’t have to do all the work, but a little encouragement can make a big difference.

  • Pray for discernment. Ask God to help you see people as He sees them, and to guide you toward someone who will be a good partner for life.

God’s Timing and Trust

It’s easy to get discouraged in the waiting. Whether you’re a man who feels invisible or a woman who feels like all the good ones are taken, remember that God is at work behind the scenes. He knows your heart, your desires, and your needs. Trust that His timing is perfect, even when it doesn’t match your own.

Scripture reminds us, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). This doesn’t mean God is a vending machine for relationships, but it does mean that as we seek Him first, He shapes our desires and leads us to what is best.

Encouragement for Good Men

If you’re a good man who feels overlooked, don’t lose heart. Your value isn’t determined by how many dates you get or how much attention you receive. God sees your faithfulness, your integrity, and your desire to honor Him. Keep being the man God has called you to be. Take healthy risks, step out of your comfort zone, and trust that the right woman will see your worth in God’s timing.

Remember, you’re not alone. There are other men walking the same path, facing the same challenges. Lean into your community, seek wise counsel, and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable about your struggles.

Encouragement for Women

If you’re a woman searching for a good man, don’t settle for less than God’s best, but also don’t overlook the men who may not fit your preconceived ideas. Sometimes, the best relationships start with a simple act of kindness or a willingness to get to know someone outside your usual “type.” Be open, be prayerful, and trust that God knows what He’s doing.

A Call to the Church

Finally, let’s remember that the church has a role to play in all of this. We need to create environments where men and women can connect in healthy, meaningful ways. This means moving beyond superficial small talk and encouraging deeper relationships. It means celebrating faithfulness, humility, and service—not just charisma and charm.

Let’s be a community that notices the overlooked, that values character over flash, and that supports one another in the journey toward godly relationships.

So, where have all the good men gone? They’re still here—sometimes hidden in plain sight, sometimes quietly waiting for someone to notice. Let’s open our eyes, our hearts, and our minds to the possibility that God is at work, even when we can’t see it. And let’s commit to being the kind of people who value what truly matters, trusting that in God’s perfect timing, He will bring the right people together for His glory and our good.