Sex in marriage is a gift from God—intended to unite husband and wife emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Yet, in real life, many couples struggle with periods where sex is withheld, often leading to confusion, hurt, and resentment. While every marriage is unique, certain patterns emerge in who is likely to withhold sex and why. This article explores these realities from a Christian perspective, offering both understanding and hope for couples facing this challenge.
God’s Design for Marital Intimacy
The Bible is clear that sexual intimacy is a normal, holy, and essential part of marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Paul writes, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband… Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a time… so that Satan may not tempt you.” The desire for each other is meant to be mutual, regular, and generous.
Yet, for a variety of reasons, couples sometimes find themselves in dry seasons—periods when one partner consistently withholds sex from the other. These seasons can be painful, lonely, and damaging to the marriage if not addressed.
Who Is More Prone to Withhold Sex?
Both husbands and wives can withhold sex, but research and experience show patterns that are worth noting. Women are often, but not always, more likely to say “no” to sex in marriage. This isn’t a universal rule—there are plenty of men who pull away physically, too—but many women report feeling less desire at certain times, especially after children come along or when daily stress and emotional distance accumulate.
At the heart of this, it’s important to remember that God created men and women differently. Most men experience sexual desire as a physical need, often ignited by what they see or feel in the moment. For many women, desire is more complex—deeply tied to feelings of emotional connection, safety, and closeness. When a wife feels emotionally neglected, criticized, or overwhelmed, her interest in sex can drop off. Husbands, meanwhile, may pull away if they feel disrespected, unloved, or disconnected from their wife’s heart and daily life.
In other words, both spouses can withhold sex, but their reasons—and the way those reasons show up—might look different.
Common Reasons for Withholding Sex
Let’s look at some of the most common reasons spouses—both men and women—might choose to say “no” to intimacy, and how those reasons connect to the unique ways God made us.
Emotional Distance
One of the biggest reasons a wife might hold back is feeling emotionally disconnected from her husband. If she feels unheard, unloved, or unappreciated in daily life, she may lose interest in physical closeness. For her, emotional warmth is often the gateway to sexual desire. The old saying “Women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need sex to feel loved” is oversimplified, but there’s a kernel of truth in it. When emotional intimacy drops, so can physical intimacy.
Anger, Resentment, and Unresolved Conflict
Hurt feelings, unresolved arguments, and unresolved conflict can quickly cool the sexual temperature in a marriage. If one spouse feels wronged, ignored, or betrayed—whether by something small or something major—they may “close off” physically as a way of expressing pain or even retribution. This is especially dangerous because it can become a self-perpetuating cycle: the offended spouse withholds, which wounds the other, who then reacts in anger or withdrawal, and the gap between them widens.
Stress and Exhaustion
Modern life is packed with demands—jobs, kids, chores, church, and social obligations. For many wives, especially those managing households and children, exhaustion can be a major barrier to sexual desire. When a woman feels pulled in a hundred directions and rarely has a moment to breathe, let alone rest, sex can feel like one more thing on a never-ending to-do list.
Husbands, too, may struggle with stress. Work pressures, feelings of inadequacy, or anxiety about providing for the family can decrease a man’s sexual interest. In these cases, withholding sex isn’t usually intentional—it’s a byproduct of mental and emotional overload.
Past Hurts and Trauma
Past sexual experiences—whether from before marriage or within the marriage—can deeply affect a spouse’s willingness to engage sexually. If a wife has experienced abuse, assault, or even just careless or selfish sexual behavior from her husband, she may struggle to feel safe enough to be intimate. Husbands can also carry scars from past experiences that make sex fraught with anxiety or guilt.
Body Image and Self-Worth
Changes in physical appearance, especially after childbirth or with aging, can lead to insecurity. If a wife feels unattractive or self-conscious, she may avoid sex out of fear of rejection or embarrassment. For men, performance anxiety or health issues can have a similar effect. In both cases, shame—not desire—dictates the “not tonight” response.
Religious and Cultural Baggage
Some Christian couples grow up hearing negative messages about sex—that it’s dirty, sinful, or something to be endured rather than enjoyed. If sex is viewed as a duty rather than a delight, it can become a source of tension rather than connection. This is unfortunate, because Scripture repeatedly affirms the goodness of marital intimacy. God designed sex for joy, oneness, and mutual satisfaction, not just procreation or obligation.
Control and Manipulation
Sometimes, unfortunately, sex is withheld deliberately as a means of control or punishment. One spouse may use sex as a bargaining chip—exchanging physical closeness for something they want, or withholding it to “teach a lesson.” This approach is manipulative and damaging. It treats sex not as a gift from God, but as a weapon, and it erodes trust and intimacy over time.
When Withholding Becomes Chronic
Occasional “not tonight” conversations are normal. Life happens, bodies change, and seasons of exhaustion or stress come and go. The problem arises when withholding becomes habitual, leaving one spouse feeling rejected, lonely, or even tempted toward sexual sin outside the marriage.
Paul’s warning in 1 Corinthians 7:5 is sobering: “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time… so that Satan will not tempt you.” Chronic withholding can create fertile ground for temptation, resentment, and even marital breakdown.
Breaking the Cycle: A Christian Response
So what do you do if you or your spouse are struggling with this issue? Here are some practical, grace-filled steps toward healing and restoration.
Start with Honest Conversation
The first and hardest step is often simply talking about it—honestly, gently, and without blame. If you’re the one withholding, ask yourself why. If you’re the one being turned away, approach your spouse with humility and curiosity, not accusation. “I miss being close to you. Can we talk about what’s going on?” is much better than a frustrated, “Why don’t you ever want me anymore?”
Seek Emotional Connection
For many women, sex follows emotional intimacy. Husbands, make time to listen, affirm, and connect emotionally with your wife. Date nights, meaningful conversations, small acts of kindness—these build bridges that can lead back to the bedroom. Wives, let your husband know what helps you feel close, and be honest about your needs and struggles without shaming.
Address Unresolved Conflict
If hurt feelings or arguments are left unresolved, sex will suffer. Make it a habit to “not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Seek forgiveness, extend grace, and work toward reconciliation—even when it’s hard. If needed, seek help from a pastor or Christian counselor to work through deeper issues.
Manage Stress and Prioritize Rest
Sex is more likely to happen when both spouses feel rested and cared for. Look for ways to lighten each other’s loads—share household tasks, plan regular downtime, and give each other permission to rest. Sometimes, saying “no” to extracurricular commitments is necessary to say “yes” to your marriage.
Heal from Past Hurts
If past trauma or negative experiences are affecting your intimacy, don’t ignore them. Seek professional counseling, pastoral support, or a trusted mentor who can guide you toward healing. God is in the business of restoration, and there is hope for renewed intimacy even after deep wounds.
Celebrate God’s Gift
Reclaim a positive, biblical view of sex. Read what the Bible actually says about marital intimacy—Song of Solomon is a great place to start! Pray together about your sex life, asking God to renew your desire for each other and to heal any brokenness.
Refuse Manipulation
If you’re tempted to use sex as a bargaining chip or a weapon, stop. That’s not God’s way. Instead, aim for generosity, kindness, and mutual enjoyment. Remember, sex is a gift to be shared, not a tool to be leveraged.
For Those Who Feel Stuck
If you’re reading this and feeling hopeless—like things will never change—please know you’re not alone. Many couples go through seasons of dryness. The important thing is to keep communicating, keep praying, and keep seeking help when you need it.
God cares about your marriage. He wants you to experience the joy, unity, and pleasure that comes from healthy intimacy. He also understands your struggles and is ready to help you heal, grow, and rediscover each other.
A Final Word of Hope
Withholding sex in marriage is a common struggle, but it doesn’t have to be a permanent one. With honesty, humility, and God’s help, couples can find their way back to each other. The journey may not be easy, but it’s worth it—for your marriage, your family, and your walk with God.
If you’re in a season of withholding or feeling withheld from, don’t give up. Reach out. Talk. Pray. Seek help. And trust that God, who created marriage and sex, is able to restore what’s been lost and make all things new.