For decades, pastors and Christian counselors have counseled a surprising number of couples who believe everything is fine in their marriage—until one day, it’s not. These couples share meals, attend church, and post happy pictures on social media. Yet, behind closed doors, conversations have grown shallow. The television is always on, smart phones are never off, and silence fills the space once occupied by laughter, vulnerability, and prayer. This is not the vibrant, intimate union God designed for marriage—this is a relationship marked by avoidance, not authenticity; by convenience, not covenant.
Going Through the Motions
Marriage in America—even Christian marriage—is increasingly vulnerable to what psychologists call “functional freeze”—couples co-existing without really connecting. They avoid difficult topics, say “yes” when they mean “no,” and reassure each other (“I’m fine, we’re fine”) rather than risk conflict. The motions of marriage—attending events, taking family vacations, praying over meals—are still there, but the heart, the vitality, is missing.
A Christian marriage is meant to be a reflection of Christ’s sacrificial, redemptive love. When couples pretend everything is fine, they may be living under the same roof but are no longer truly yoked together. Like the lukewarm church in Revelation, comfortable but not transformed, the absence of real issues on the surface may indicate a dangerous avoidance of the heart’s true need for restoration.
Why Do Couples Pretend?
Couples avoid difficult conversations for many reasons—fear of conflict, past betrayals, busyness, or simply not knowing how to start. In Christian circles, there’s often an added pressure to “look right,” as if admitting pain would be a sign of spiritual failure. Some mistakenly think, “If we just pray more, it will sort itself out.” Others are ashamed: “If people really knew us, they’d be disappointed.” This is not biblical thinking. The apostle Paul urged believers to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2), not to pretend burdens don’t exist.
The Danger of Avoidance
Avoiding relational issues is dangerous for couples. The emotional distance created by silence or “going along to get along” can lead to loneliness, resentment, and even hard hearts. Scripture warns: “See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today,’ so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:12-13).
When couples pretend, they risk missing out on God’s power to heal and transform. Conflict, when handled biblically, is not a failure but a pathway to deeper love and spiritual growth. Ephesians 4:15 encourages speaking the truth in love—a call to honesty, not merely peacekeeping.
The Sin of Withholding
Withholding thoughts, feelings, and needs is often justified as “keeping the peace.” But withholding can become sinful, especially when it stems from fear, control, or pride. The Bible calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, sacrificing and serving (Ephesians 5:25). Likewise, wives are to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). Both directives require vulnerability, honesty, and courage, not avoidance.
Marital intimacy—true oneness—is impossible when one or both partners are emotionally absent. Withholding communication is withholding intimacy. If Christ had withheld his love, we would have no hope of salvation. Couples who learn to share honestly, even when it’s hard, follow His example.
The Role of the Church
Christian community has a unique responsibility. Church leaders, friends, and mentors must create a safe environment where struggling couples can confess and grow. Too often, church culture accidentally reinforces the “everything’s fine” lie by celebrating “perfect” families, shaming brokenness, or failing to teach healthy conflict resolution.
The church should be the safest place for a troubled marriage, not the most ashamed. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Healing in marriage often begins when both spouses feel safe to confess—to each other and to trusted believers.
Addressing the Root Issues
Why do couples become content with surface-level harmony? Sometimes, it’s discomfort with vulnerability or fear of rejection. Sometimes, it’s a lack of skills. Many Christian couples never saw healthy conflict resolution modeled in their own homes. They may have grown up in families where arguing was forbidden or every disagreement was dismissed.
But God’s Word provides a better way. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Marriage is designed to be a refining process, not a comfortable armchair. Couples need to learn how to listen, empathize, disagree with respect, and repair after mistakes—all skills that can be developed and modeled.
A Call to Truth and Courage
For the Christian couple stuck in the motions, here is a call to courage: Be honest about what you are feeling, even if it is uncomfortable. The road to healing begins with one truthful conversation. Seek wise counsel—a pastor, counselor, or mature believer.
Remember, God already knows your hearts. He is not ashamed of your struggles. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Nothing in your marriage is beyond His redeeming power.
A New Vision for Marriage
The God who designed marriage wants more for your relationship than polite distance. He wants passion, partnership, and purpose. He wants your marriage to be a testimony not just of what love looks like when it’s easy, but what it looks like when it’s hard-won.
He wants you to know His joy together, not just endure each other. He wants you to grow together, not just grow apart while sharing a last name. He wants you to fight for your love, not just settle for the appearance of peace.
A Prayer for Struggling Couples
Lord, we confess that we have sometimes settled for appearances rather than authenticity. Forgive us for the times we have withheld our hearts, avoided hard conversations, and lost intimacy. Give us the courage to seek healing, to be honest with each other and with You. Remind us that You are for our marriages, and that nothing is too hard for You. Restore the joy of our salvation, and the joy of our union. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
The Way Forward
If you recognize your marriage in these words, do not despair—there is hope. Reach out to your spouse today. Open your Bible together. Pray not just about your marriage, but for your marriage—that God would give you both a spirit of humility, honesty, and hope.
Seek help. Reach out to your church, a Christian counselor, or a trusted mentor. Remember, the best marriages are not those without problems, but those that bring problems into the light—into God’s presence—for healing and transformation.
Do not be content with pretending. Dare to hope for more. God’s vision for marriage is not the absence of problems, but the presence of His redeeming love—a love that cannot be faked, but must be fought for, together, every day.