You’re in love. The chemistry is electric. The feelings can sweep you off your feet—sometimes literally. But somewhere in the back of your mind (and often right out front in your heart), you’re left wondering: how far is too far? How do you set healthy, Christ-centered boundaries around sex and intimacy while dating? And does it really matter, especially if you plan to marry each other?
Let’s talk honestly about the real struggles, the reasons God’s boundaries are good for us, practical ways to draw the line, and how choosing self-control now is a priceless gift for your future marriage.
Why “How Far is Too Far?” Matters More Than You Think
It’s not just about rule-following. Our culture shouts, “If it feels right, do it!” Movies, music, and social media tell us boundaries are old-fashioned or unnecessary. Yet surveys and honest conversations reveal a different story: regret, heartbreak, complicated breakups, and pain that often lingers into marriage.
God cares deeply about this area of your relationship not because He wants to spoil your fun, but because He designed intimacy as a powerful, beautiful, and bonding gift—one meant for the security of marriage, not the uncertainty of dating. His boundaries are for our protection and joy, not our restriction.
What’s Really at Stake?
-
Emotional Health: Every step toward physical intimacy can deepen emotional ties, making breakups far more painful than they need to be.
-
Spiritual Health: Pushing boundaries often brings guilt, secrecy, or drifting from God and community.
-
Trust and Communication: Without clear boundaries, couples drift into confusion: “What are we okay with? Are we still on the same page? Why do I feel unsettled?”
-
Marital Foundation: Choices you make while dating set the tone for trust, honesty, and self-control in marriage—traits you’ll desperately need later.
Biblical Wisdom About Boundaries
The Bible speaks often about purity and sexual boundaries, even if it doesn’t list every possible dating scenario. Key truths include:
-
Ephesians 5:3: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity…”
-
1 Thessalonians 4:3-4: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable…”
-
1 Corinthians 6:18: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against their own body.”
God’s call isn’t to see how close we get to the line, but to honor one another—and Him—by running wholeheartedly in the opposite direction.
“Not Even a Hint”—What Does That Mean?
If you’re expecting a checklist, the New Testament doesn’t offer one. Instead, God cares about our hearts, our motives, and the direction of our lives.
“Not even a hint” means not asking “What can we get away with?” but “How can we honor God and each other in this area of our relationship?” Each couple’s journey will look different, but a heart tuned to God’s voice listens to His Spirit, not just the world’s advice or even just their own desires.
Why Boundaries are Good for Your Marriage
There are three big reasons why putting boundaries in place before marriage strengthens the bond you’ll share after you say “I do”:
-
Trust Is Built Through Self-Control
If you can honor God and each other with your bodies—when the feelings are genuine and the temptation strong—how much more will you trust each other once you’re married and new challenges arise? Self-discipline in dating sets a pattern for faithfulness and mutual respect. -
You Bring Less Baggage
Many married couples struggle with comparison, guilt, or regret stemming from what happened before marriage—not always because of wild choices, but because boundaries were blurry. Waiting protects your heart, your memory, and your intimacy. -
Your Love Story is Christ-Centered
When you put God first—above your desires or the opinion of others—your relationship becomes a testimony of His power and grace, one that will inspire and encourage others down the road.
Defining “Too Far”: Practical Issues and Clear Boundaries
So what does “too far” really mean in the day-to-day reality of dating? Let’s be real and specific about the steps and situations:
-
Anything that arouses you sexually or is intended only for marriage (sex, oral sex, undressing, sharing a bed, etc.) is too far.
-
Prolonged making out, intense physical affection, or touching private parts isn’t just unwise—it leads your body down a path it was designed to finish.
-
Going places (physically, emotionally, or digitally) you’d be ashamed to talk about with a mentor or parent is likely already too far.
A good question to ask: Does this act honor my partner as my brother or sister in Christ? Does it build up or cause confusion? Would I want my future spouse to have shared this with someone else?
The Slippery Slope: Why Clear Lines Matter
We’re all human. No one sets out expecting to slide into temptation, but small steps quickly snowball. The further you push boundaries “just this once,” the easier it is to justify the next.
Boundaries are not about distrust or pessimism—they’re about wisdom. Like guardrails on a mountain road, they keep something good (desire, attraction, passion) from turning into something painful or destructive.
Setting Boundaries Together: The Conversation You Need
Don’t wait until you’re already in a tempting moment to discuss boundaries. Here’s where to start:
-
Talk early, talk often: Before things get intense. Be honest about your convictions and struggles.
-
Be specific: Don’t just say “Let’s keep it pure!” Spell out what’s okay and what’s not (holding hands, short hugs vs. making out, private time limits, etc.).
-
Invite accountability: Share your standards with a trusted Christian friend, pastor, or mentor.
-
Create healthy environments: Date in groups, choose public places, avoid “Netflix and chill” scenarios, and keep late-night alone time rare.
-
Pray together and apart: Ask God to guide your relationship and keep your priorities straight.
When Mistakes Happen
Let’s face it—no one gets this perfectly right. If you (or your dating partner) cross a line, don’t sink into shame. Turn quickly to God with honest confession (1 John 1:9), seek His forgiveness, and set new boundaries. God’s grace covers all, and every new day is a chance for a fresh start.
What About Emotional Boundaries?
It’s not just about physical stuff. Going “too far” emotionally—like being overly dependent, sharing intimate secrets too soon, or treating your boyfriend/girlfriend like a spouse before you’re committed—can do just as much damage.
Take your time. Build friendship before intimacy. Don’t isolate; stay in your faith community. Make sure your identity and hope stay with Christ, not your relationship.
A Note to Parents and Leaders
Encourage open, honest conversations. Don’t just preach “don’t do it”—help teens and young adults see why boundaries matter, and walk with them through the ups and downs. Remind them of God’s kindness and the hope of restoration.
Final Encouragement: Don’t Settle for Less
God’s design for love, romance, and sex is not about stealing joy—but protecting and magnifying joy. Boundaries built on trust, sacrifice, and faith are a gift you give not just to your future spouse but to your own heart.
Waiting, honoring God, drawing lines you don’t cross—these aren’t signs of weakness or fear. They’re signs of strength, wisdom, and hope in God’s goodness. Every “no” today is an investment in a richer, deeper “yes” in marriage, where nothing is held back and love is truly fearless.
A Prayer for the Journey
“Lord, I want to honor You with my life and my love. Give me wisdom, patience, and strength to set healthy boundaries—not out of fear, but because I trust Your design. Guard my future marriage, protect my heart, and help me love others as You have loved me. Amen.”
Remember: You’re not alone. God is with you, cheering you on, offering strength today and hope for tomorrow. One day, you’ll look back with gratitude that you chose His way—a way that is always, always worth it.