Laying a good foundation during your child’s formative years is critically important in determining who and what they will become as adults.

Key Thought: The single most prevalent cause for disharmony within family relationships is a closed spirit.

What is a Closed Spirit?

“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4)

“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:13)

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” (Proverbs 17: 22)

“A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? (Proverbs 18:14)

  • ‘Crush’ to maim, damage, or spoil by an outside force. When a child has been wounded by a parent’s words or behavior their innermost being (i.e. spirit) closes up; a wall of protection is gradually built around it to protect from further pain.

How We Can Close Our Child’s Spirit (not an exhaustive list)

  1. Criticizing unjustly
  2. Breaking promises
  3. Lacking interest in things that are special to the child
  4. Never saying, “I love you.”
  5. Not spending time with child
  6. Not expressing appreciation for good effort
  7. Speaking harsh words
  8. Being insensitive or rough
  9. Teasing excessively
  10. Not noticing the child’s accomplishments
  11. Being disciplined harshly
  12. Being built up then let down
  13. Yelling
  14. Bringing up past mistakes
  15. Making fun of a child’s hopes or dreams
  16. Insulting child in front of others
  17. Showing favoritism
  18. Seldom touching or holding child
  19. Being disciplined unfairly/unjustly
  20. Comparing child with siblings or others
  21. Not giving child a sense of approval

How Open is Your Child’s Spirit?

This is a simple, general evaluation that can help parents detect whether or not their child’s spirit is closing. Score each question from one to five. 1=never; 2=seldom; 3=sometimes; 4=usually; 5=always.

  1. Does my child enjoy touching (age two and above) me? ____
  2. Does my child spontaneously touch me when I first see him after school or at home? ____
  3. Does my child respect what I respect in life? ____
  4. Does my child generally appreciate what I value in life ____
  5. Would my child’s friends be my choice for him? ____
  6. Does my child wear clothing and hairstyles that I approve of? ____
  7. Does my child choose the activities I would choose for him? ____
  8. Does my child’s music reflect what I approve of? ____
  9. Does my child enjoy having conversations with me? ____
  10. Does my child agree in general with my opinions? ____
  11. Does my child enjoy going places with me? ____
  12. Does my child obey me regularly? ____
  13. Does my child generally reflect a warm affection for me? ____
  14. Does my child naturally enjoy looking into my eyes? ____

Total Score ____

The scores may indicate:

14-20   Danger, resolve immediately.

21-30   Warning, proceed with caution.

31-40   Watch out for falling rocks.

41-50   Things may be bumping along, but okay.

51-70   End of construction. Drive carefully.

Manifestations of a Closed Spirit

General observations: 

  • A reluctance or refusal to talk to or touch the offending parent.

Specific observations:

  • Contrary, refuses to do what he is asked
  • Refuses to like anything you like
  • Sullen, angry disposition
  • Easily irritated or agitated
  • Emotionally cold, distant
  • Unresponsive to affection
  • Withdrawn
  • Picks on or pesters siblings
  • Avoidance of family
  • Clashes with authority figures
  • Consistently uncommunicative
  • Apathetic
  • Consistently unresponsive to your affection
  • Uses alcohol or drugs
  • Intentionally seeks wrong kind of friends
  • Sexually acts-out
  • Swears or uses disrespectful language
  • Promiscuous
  • Explosive
  • Runs away
  • Violent, in fights
  • Suicide attempt(s)

Note: Kids need a lot of physical affection (i.e. touching, hugging, etc.) and verbal interaction with their parents. When their spirit is closed due to wounding by Mom and/or Dad, they will look outside of the parent-child relationship to meet these needs.

Illustration # 1 If a father is harsh with his daughter so that she is offended and her spirit begins to close, she will look to other males to meet these deep emotional needs. (Unfortunately, young men can easily pick up on her need for affection and take advantage. She may resist at first not wanting to compromise her moral standards, but eventually her resistancebreaks down with the boy’s persistence. She will give in to keep from experiencing the pain of rejection. Conversely, if her spirit is open because there has been a healthy degree of affection and meaningful conversation, she is much more likely to resist temptation.)

Illustration #2 Boys have similar emotional needs. When a father refuses hug his son because he considers it unmanly, it may cause his spirit to close. As a result, he may reject any affection or look to another male (i.e. homosexual relationship) to meet that need. Dr. Ross Campbell, a Christian psychiatrist who specializes in working with children, reports that he has never known of one sexually disoriented person who had a warm, loving, and affectionate father.

Fortunately, a child’s spirit is somewhat pliable for the first several years. Generally, when children are hurt by their parents they are ready and willing to reconcile the relationship. As they get older, however, this pliability diminishes as one offense is piled up on another. A wall is built that cements the spirit shut.

Reopening a Child’s Spirit

  1. Become tenderhearted. The offending parent must begin to reflect tenderness and softness. Our body language and tone of voice must become soft, gentle, tender, and caring. By doing this we are communicating several things:
  • He is valuable and important.
  • We care about him; we do not want his spirit closed.
  • We know something is wrong. We acknowledge by our softness that an offense has taken place and we are going to slow down long enough to correct the problem.
  • We are open to listen. It is safe for him to share what has happened and we are not going to get angry again.

 Tenderness melts the anger in your child and begins to open their spirits.

  1. Increase Understanding. The offending parent must increase their understanding of the pain the child is feeling. One of the best ways of understanding a child’s pain is through emotional word pictures. They help us feel the child’s pain in a more vivid way. For example, our child can help us understand their feelings when we ask them questions like, “Give me a color that describes how you are feeling” or “If you were a rabbit, what would be happening to you right now because of what I just did?” Given time and encouragement most children can tell their parent(s) exactly how they feel
  2. Recognize the Offense. The offending parent must be willing to admit that they were It may be that what we did was not wrong but how we did it (i.e. attitude, etc.). One of the hardest things for many parents to do is to admit when they have wronged their child. It is especially hard for fathers. As a child hears his parents admit when they have been offensive and that they understand how he feels, the child gains a feeling of importance. He realizes that he is a valuable person
  3. Attempt to Touch. The offending parent must attempt to touch the wounded child. If he reaches out and responds to our touching, then we know that his spirit is opening or has completely reopened. Secondly, touching allows us to find out if the child’s spirit is not opening. If the parent has admitted that he is wrong, is soft and understanding, and reaches out to touch the child but he pulls away, it is an indication that he isn’t ready to open his spirit. He may need more time or greater understanding from the one who offended him.

Note: The lack of touching does not always mean that we have closed our child’s spirit. Children go through stages where they may avoid touching, for example during puberty. However, if a parent is maintaining harmony with his child, he can usually detect if the child is offended or just passing through a stage.

  1. Seek Forgiveness. The offending parent must seek forgiveness from the one offended. When we have offended someone, we must give them a chance to respond. You might say, “Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

Conclusion: A closed spirit is the major destroyer of families. Parents must recognize when their behavior has led to a closed spirit and make every attempt to reopen it before impenetrable walls are built.

 

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