Childhood isn’t stress-free. Kids take tests, learn new information, change schools, change neighborhoods, get sick, get braces, encounter bullies, make new friends and occasionally get hurt by those friends. What helps kids emotionally navigate these kinds of challenges is resilience. The word resilience comes from the Latin verb – resilire – “to jump back.” In today’s vernacular, we would say, “bounce back.” It is the ability to bounce back from adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats and criticism. Resilience is not the absence of difficulty but the determination never to quit when life gets tough.
Resilient kids are problem solvers. They face unfamiliar or tough situations and attempt to find good solutions. When they step into a situation they have a sense of confidence that they can figure out what they need to do. This doesn’t mean that kids have to do everything on their own, but they know how to ask for help and are able to problem-solve their next steps.
Resilience isn’t an innate trait, but it can be taught. Parents are tasked by God to equip their children with the skills to handle uncertainty and the unexpected. Unfortunately, we have become a culture that believes kids should be kept comfortable. Parents are expected to stay one step ahead and troubleshoot for their kids. The problem? Life doesn’t work that way.
Teaching your kids resilience is critical to them becoming resilient adults who able to survive and thrive in the face of life’s unavoidable stressors.
- Don’t accommodate every need.
Whenever we try to continuously provide certainty and comfort, we are getting in the way of children being able to develop their own problem-solving skills. Overprotection only fuels their anxiety.
2. Avoid eliminating all risk.
All parents want to keep their kids safe, but eliminating all risk robs kids of learning resiliency. The key is to allow appropriate risks and teach your kids essential skills. Giving kids age-appropriate freedom helps them learn their own limits.
3. Teach them to problem-solve.
Engage your child in figuring out how they can handle challenges. Give them the opportunity, over and over, to figure out what works and what doesn’t.
- Teach your kids concrete skills.
Focus on the specific skills they’ll need to learn in order to handle certain situations. Ask yourself, “Where are we going with this situation? What skill do they need to get there?”
- Avoid “why” questions.
‘Why’ questions aren’t helpful in promoting problem solving. Ask ‘how’ questions instead.
- Don’t provide all the answers.
Rather than providing your kids with every answer, start using the phrase “I don’t know,” followed by promoting problem solving. Using this phrase helps kids learn to tolerate uncertainty and think about ways to deal with potential challenges.
- Avoid talking in catastrophic terms.
Pay attention to what you say around your kids. Anxious parents, in particular, tend to catastrophize.
- Let your kids make mistakes.
Failure is not the end of the world. Letting kids mess up is painful for parents, but it helps them to learn how to fix slip-ups and make better decisions the next time.
- Help them manage their emotions.
Emotional management is key to resilience. Teach your kids that all emotions are OK, but they must be managed. After experiencing their feelings, they need to think through what the appropriate next step is.
- Model resiliency.
Kids also learn from observing their parents’ behavior. Try to be calm and consistent. When you make a mistake, admit it. (“I really messed up. I’m sorry I handled that poorly. Let’s talk about a different way to handle that in the future.”)
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