Let’s talk about something that seems to get dustier and more forgotten with every year that passes—the art of courtship. Not just “dating,” not hooking up, not endlessly texting someone in hopes of maybe going for coffee next month. I’m talking about the kind of intentional pursuit, gentle romance, and relational clarity that once marked the road from singlehood to marriage. Maybe your parents or grandparents told stories about it, or you’ve read about it in old novels. Whatever the case, that lost art of courtship is more than just nostalgia—it’s an approach rooted in wisdom, mutual respect, and, for Christians, a deep desire to honor God in the journey toward love.

What Was Courtship, Anyway?

To a lot of people today, “courtship” sounds old-fashioned, even restrictive. But at its core, it was simply a way of moving from interest to intimacy that was thoughtful, clear, and rooted in commitment, not just emotions. You’d get to know someone—often in groups, in the context of family or church, with the intent of seeking out whether you were compatible for marriage. There were rituals: calling cards, home visits, shared meals, letters, and walks. It wasn’t about playing games or seeing how far you could get without making a promise. The whole point was transparency and honor, making sure both people and their families were on the same page about intentions.

The world has changed, and there’s no going all the way back to the way our great-grandparents did things. Our mobility, technology, and culture make a full-on return impossible. Still, the virtues behind the courtship model—intentionality, patience, honor, restraint, and commitment—offer something modern dating desperately needs.

What Have We Lost With Courtship’s Disappearance?

It’s not just sentimental to notice what’s slipped away. Here’s what many people long for and miss:

Clarity Instead of Confusion
Courtship set a clear goal: discerning whether two people were suited for marriage. You didn’t have to guess day after day where things were headed or who wanted what. Today, so many singles are stuck in ambiguous situationships or rounds of dating with no end in sight, wondering, “Are we exclusive? Are we moving anywhere?” The lack of definition causes anxiety and often heartache.

Restraint Before Intimacy
The old courtship patterns slowed things down. Time was spent truly getting to know the other’s character, values, and family before progressing to emotional or physical intimacy. There was real wisdom here: it’s much easier to see red flags or notice what really matters when you’re not swept along on waves of infatuation or chemistry. Today, the push for instant connection—skipping from “hello” to physicality—often muddies judgment and makes discernment nearly impossible.

Community Involvement
Courtship rarely happened in a vacuum. Families, churches, and communities played a role, offering counsel, protection, and perspective. This meant more support and accountability—and sometimes helpful intervention when something wasn’t quite right. Today’s dating culture is often isolated: young people making big decisions alone, with little input from wiser voices who care about their future.

Honor and Respect
Courtship wasn’t perfect—there were bad stories as well as good—but it elevated honor. Pursuing someone meant being up-front about intentions, treating them (and their family) with respect, and seeing romance as something precious to handle with care. In contrast, modern dating can be marked by using people to meet personal needs: validation, excitement, sex, or simply avoiding loneliness.

A Slower, Sweeter Build
One of the quiet beauties of courtship was how it expected love to grow slowly. There was space for friendship, conversation, spiritual growth, and seeing whether the other person truly brought out your best. There was less pressure for constant excitement, and more room for trust and affection to deepen naturally.

How Modern Culture Replaces Courtship

Swipe right. Send a DM. Go for coffee. Hang out. Repeat. Today, relationships tend to be less defined and more disposable. The idea is, “try before you buy”—date many people, keep it casual, keep your options open, don’t ask for too much commitment too soon. But this approach often leaves people more anxious and less secure, constantly wondering if they measure up or if someone better is just another click away.

The old boundaries meant you weren’t expected to give everything—physically, emotionally, or even with your time—before there was clear, mutual interest in marriage. Today’s world asks for exclusivity and intimacy without commitment, which often leads to disappointment and woundedness.

Why Is the Loss of Courtship a Problem?

For Christians, the absence of courtship isn’t just a loss of tradition—it’s the loss of a deeply biblical vision of how men and women are to relate, pursue, and build something that honors God.

God designed relationships as a place for safety, growth, and the cultivation of love that reflects His own faithfulness (Ephesians 5:25-33). Infatuation might create fireworks, but it’s patience, kindness, and proven trust that build lifelong marriage. The rapid dating pace of today rarely allows two people space to experience or demonstrate these virtues before making enormous decisions.

Further, Scripture calls us to flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18), guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), and treat each other as brothers and sisters with “absolute purity” (1 Timothy 5:2). Courtship, with all its old patterns, at least tried to align dating with these biblical priorities—honoring Christ in action, not just intention.

What Does Recovering the Art of Courtship Mean Today?

Bringing back the heart of courtship doesn’t require dowries and parental matchmaking. It does invite some countercultural choices:

Be Intentional, not Accidental
Decide up front that the goal of dating is to discover whether you can glorify God together in marriage—not just to avoid loneliness, amuse yourself, or fill a Saturday night. Start with friendship. Ask good questions. Explain your motives honestly and early.

Move at a Wise Pace
Refuse to rush. Let time test emotions and motives. See how your relationship weathers conflict, pressure, and disappointment, not just fun and chemistry. Don’t skip the slow build—friendship, prayer, conversation, serving together.

Invite Community and Wisdom
Talk to mentors, parents, and friends you trust. Ask for perspective. Welcome accountability, feedback, and even correction. Let people who know and love you (and the other person) speak into your life—they often see what you cannot.

Look for God’s Fruit
Is your relationship marked by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)? Or is it driven by anxiety, jealousy, secrecy, or pressure? Courtship wisdom asks: does this relationship help us look more like Christ?

Honor Each Other
Speak kindly of one another. Don’t treat romance as conquest or dating as a transaction. Have necessary conversations about boundaries—emotional, physical, spiritual—in advance, and protect each other’s dignity.

Practice Restraint and Purity
Physical affection is a beautiful gift, but in God’s design, it blooms best and safest in marriage. Practice saying “not yet” and “not now” as acts of love, not deprivation. Purity is not just the absence of sex—it is the presence of reverence, self-control, and a desire to see God honored in every choice.

Remember That Love Is a Choice, Not Just a Feeling
Romantic love grows strongest in soil watered by intention, sacrifice, action, and time. Infatuation fades; commitment, gratitude, and shared faith deepen.

What If You Missed Courtship?

Maybe you’re years past your first relationship, or maybe you’ve made mistakes. There’s always grace in Christ to start again. God doesn’t shame the brokenhearted—He restores. If your dating history feels like a pile of old hurts or regrets, bring it to Jesus. He can redeem and make new every story.

If you’re married and wish you’d moved slower, you can still lay new foundations: talk honestly, pray together, ask for forgiveness, and seek out spiritual mentors who can encourage your marriage now.

For parents and mentors, don’t just warn about the dangers of dating culture. Share stories of wisdom, patience, and redemption. Paint a picture of what’s possible when we invite God in.

A Final Word: It’s Not Too Late for Real Romance

The art of courtship might seem lost, but it doesn’t have to be extinct. Every couple, in every season, can recover what matters most: intentionality, patience, godly community, and above all, a desire for love that reflects the heart of Christ. That’s romance worth waiting for—a story you’ll want to tell, one faithful step at a time.

So, whether you’re single, dating, or counseling others through the maze of modern romance, hold high the vision of love built with prayerful patience, enduring commitment, and joyful hope. The world may forget, but you don’t have to. Let your choices remind everyone that the best relationships aren’t built by accident—they’re crafted, step by faithful step, by the wisdom, grace, and love of God.