Are You Married to an Emotionally Immature Person?

Being married to someone who is emotionally immature can be annoying and frustrating. Some describe it as having another child in the house. If you have a spouse who is not emotionally mature, this article will help you better understand the problem and address it in a constructive way.

Before examining the characteristics of an emotionally immature person, it is important to understand why they are this way. The lack of maturity can be attributed to a person’s upbringing and how his or her parents raised them. For example, if a mother overprotected, coddled, or spoiled her son or daughter, this individual can be negatively affected the rest of their lives. They come to expect that this is the way life should work. Grown men and women who are emotionally immature are often described as the Little Prince or Princess. They feel entitled to always get what they want when they want it.

Emotional maturity, however, is about learning that many things in life won’t go your way. Obstacles are a normal part of life and dealing with change is part of adulthood. As kids transform and grow into teenagers they learn to cope with the disappointment and frustration of things not going their way. These skills help them grow into responsible adults.

Your emotionally immature spouse did not develop these coping skills growing up. They may handle small problems fine, but larger issues create drama and difficult behavior.

While the Little Prince or Princess are not official psychiatric diagnoses, they are a very real phenomenon in relationships with recognizable characteristics.

Characteristics of an Emotionally Immature Person

1. Takes everything personally, overly sensitive, and cannot take constructive criticism.
2. Seeks immediate gratification. Yields to immediate pleasure and avoids unpleasant but necessary tasks and responsibilities.
3. Because of the above, unable to stick with a job until it is finished.
4. Blames everyone and everything (other than him or herself) for personal failures and mistakes. Never accepts responsibility.
5. Demands the world cater to his or her every desire. Makes statements such as, “He (she, it) makes me mad. I can’t stand it when he (she, it) does…”
6. Tries to control others rather than control themselves. Manipulates others by saying things like, “I’m offended when you…” Controls people by making them feel guilty.
7. When the ‘victim’ of a perceived injustice, seeks revenge rather than understanding, compromise, and problem solving.
8. Yields to temptation. Cannot carry money without spending it. Never satisfied with enough, but always wants more.
9. Constantly complaining. Always focuses on the negative.
10. Impatient. Grows irritable if he or she doesn’t get their way now.
11. Fails to see the needs of others. Only interested in him or herself.
12. Cannot be counted on to do their duty without being supervised.
13. Panics in a crisis. Believes him or herself to be a victim. Expects to be ‘rescued’ by others.
14. Doesn’t reflect on the consequences of their behavior.
15. Plagued by self-doubt, anxiety, and worry.
16. Tends to see things in black and white, not in shades of gray. (“You’re either for me or against me.”)
17. Is needy. Clings to every relationship and is devastated when one falls apart.
18. Uncomfortable with change and uncertainty. Seeks security.
19. Oversteps the boundaries of others while demanding that his or hers be respected.
20. Easily stressed and cannot cope with or manage life’s challenges.

What does an emotionally mature person look like?

Characteristics of Emotionally Mature Person

1. They embrace change, uncertainty and challenges because they wish to grow stronger. They see life as an adventure and the challenges make them better not bitter.
2. They live courageously. They are assertive and set boundaries while respecting the rights of others.
3. They are neither Pollyannas nor pessimists, but realists. They accept the world for what it is and try to make it better by making themselves better.
4. They plan their lives by setting goals, but remain flexible and adapt to changing circumstances.
5. They get along with others by being empathetic, accepting, encouraging, cheerful, thankful, cooperative, and helpful.
6. They engage in thoughtful rather than thoughtless behavior. They think before they act.
7. Armed with self-discipline, they do whatever needs to be done, even when they don’t feel like doing it.
8. They are patient and persevere, for they realize “Great works are performed not by strength, but by perseverance” (Samuel Johnson, 1709~1784).
9. They are good losers that can accept failure and frustration without whining or complaining.
10. They are sensitive to the suffering of others and get more pleasure from giving than in receiving.
11. They have a balanced self-image, neither believing they are better than or inferior to others.
12. They are open-minded and humble, willing to adopt what they learn from others. Besides opening their minds, they open their hearts, allowing themselves to get inspired by the good deeds of others.
13. Free of envy and jealousy, they rejoice in the successes of others.
14. They have a warm smile and a good sense of humor. “To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity” (William A. Ward, 1921-1994).
15. They look for the positive in every situation.
16. They are honest and authentic. They don’t wear a mask, concealing their true selves. Rather, they share their feelings and openly speak about their faults and dreams.
17. They are enthusiastic, passionate, and have a purpose for being.
18. They willingly accept responsibility for their actions while realizing they are nor responsible for the actions of others.
19. They are calm, confident, courageous, charitable, and caring.
20. They are resilient. When they stumble and fall, they pick themselves up and start again. In their mindset, there are no failures, just learning experiences.

Now that you have a better understanding of an emotionally immature person, the question is, “How can I deal with my spouse in a constructive and helpful way?” The following are suggestions that will help you improve your marital relationship.

1. Don’t Take it Personally. Your spouse’s immaturity is not about you but them. Although they may blame you or shift responsibility for their immature behavior, it is not your fault.
2. Respond But Don’t React to Their Bad Behavior. Stay calm and unemotional as possible. One of the most common coping tactics used by immature individuals is emotional manipulation. This is a learned behavior from their formative years. Any reaction you show will only reinforce their unhealthy behavior. Your best defense is to give them as little emotional fuel as possible. Depending on what they have said or done you may need to respond to their inappropriate behavior. For example, if you were made the brunt of a joke in front of other people, you must address this. However, reacting in front of everyone will only prolong the drama. It will not be helpful and only fuel their bad behavior. Instead, get to a place of calm then choose a private moment to approach them about their hurtful behavior.
3. Stop Enabling Him Or Her. Negative behaviors persist because they are reinforced. When you reinforce an immature behavior you are acting in a way that will strengthen it. Being spoiled and overprotected by a parent ensured that they would get what they wanted. Temper tantrums, for example, were unwittingly rewarded (i.e., giving in to the child’s demand), which reinforced that bad behavior. Obviously, you do not want to repeat the parent’s mistake. When you stop giving into your partner’s demands, over time, they will stop behaving immaturely because it does not produce the desired result. They will learn that immature behavior has negative consequences but mature behavior pays off with positive responses from their spouse.
4. Stand Up for Yourself. An immature person does not often think about the needs of others. They tend to exhibit selfish behavior. Stay alert and speak up when something is not right. Let them know how it affects you and what would be a better choice. State this in a firm but kind way. Do not waiver from the boundaries that you have set. In the short run you may pay a price, but hopefully it will only be temporary. In time, they will realize that you are serious about change in the relationship.
5. Model What You Want to See Them Do. Modeling can be a powerful way to make your point. Your spouse was not likely taught or shown mature ways of handling anger and frustration. Consequently, the lack of a good example left them stuck at an emotional level of immaturity. This is why you may feel that at times you are dealing with a child or teenager. Model the behaviors that they need to develop. Show your spouse how to speak calmly. Tell them that you would like to sit down and finish a conversation when you have privacy. Show them how to describe their feelings with “I” statements that don’t blame others.
6. Focus On Their Better Qualities. If you are committed to your spouse, it is likely that they have many other positive qualities. Instead of focusing only on their emotionally immature behavior look for the skills that makes them shine in your eyes. After all, you fell in love and chose them as your life partner. There must be something that still attracts you to them. Think about what they are doing today that deserves praise. Try to develop a more balanced view of who they are as your spouse.
7. Take Care of Yourself. Dealing with an immature spouse can be exhausting. It is difficult to handle their emotional games every day. It is for this reason that you need to take care of yourself. Try exercising daily. At the very least, as often as possible. Research clearly shows that exercising regularly can make a real difference in both your energy level and mood. Keep plenty of fulfilling activities on your calendar that you can look forward to. Keep in touch with loved ones; those you count on for support.
8. Have A Talk About His Or Her Upbringing. Talking with your spouse about their upbringing may create a real sense of anxiety. It may seem especially difficult if they have little or no insight into their immature behavior. But for the sake of the marriage it is a conversation that you must have. If you choose to avoid the discussion it is unlikely you will see significant change in the relationship. Step out in faith and trust God for the outcome.
9. Help Them Get In Touch With A Counselor. Due to your spouse’s emotional immaturity, there’s a good chance that they do not possess crucial life skills. For example, they need to learn how to be proactive instead of reactive; learn how to take responsibility for their actions; and get out of their comfort zone and become more relational. The goal is to help them grow as a person rather than rely on or blame others for what happens in their life. This is where a counselor can be a great help. They do not have an emotional tie to your spouse, therefore they can approach these issues in a more objective and non-threatening way. Hopefully, a counselor will be able to help them become more disciplined individuals. Instead of resorting to bad habits like avoidance, escaping, self-indulgence, and instant gratifications, they can learn to commit to making good, healthy, and responsible choices.

 

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