As a Christian couple, you may feel frustrated and discouraged if you find yourselves arguing frequently. It’s natural to wonder if something is wrong with your relationship or your faith. However, arguing is a normal and even healthy part of any marriage, including Christian ones. The key is learning how to argue in a way that brings you closer together rather than driving you apart.
Embrace Conflict as an Opportunity
The first step is to change your mindset about conflict. Many Christians mistakenly believe that arguing is wrong or a sign of an unhealthy marriage. But the Bible is full of examples of godly people who disagreed and argued, from Abraham and Lot to Paul and Barnabas. Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship, including marriage. Rather than seeing arguments as something to avoid, view them as an opportunity to grow closer to your spouse and to God. Conflict allows you to understand each other better, work through issues, and deepen your intimacy. It’s a chance to practice forgiveness, humility, and love. As Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
Communicate with Love and Respect
The way you argue is just as important as the fact that you argue. Ephesians 4:15 tells us to “speak the truth in love.” This is crucial in marriage. When you disagree, make sure you are expressing your feelings and perspectives in a way that is kind, gentle, and respectful. Avoid harsh words, name-calling, and contempt. Actively listen to your spouse and try to understand their point of view, even if you disagree. Validate their feelings and concerns. Philippians 2:3-4 encourages us to “in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Put your spouse’s needs ahead of your own.
Focus on the Real Issue
Most arguments are not really about the specific topic you are fighting about. Underneath the surface, there are usually deeper issues like unmet needs, hurt feelings, or differences in values and expectations. When you find yourselves arguing about something trivial, take a step back and ask what the real problem is. For example, you may be fighting about how to spend money, but the real issue is that you have different financial values or one of you feels the other doesn’t appreciate their efforts. You may be arguing about sex, but the real problem is that you have different sex drives or one of you feels unloved or unattractive. Identify the core issue and address that, rather than just the symptoms.
Seek to Understand, Not to Win
Many of us approach arguments with the goal of winning and proving we are right. But in a marriage, there are no winners and losers. When you win an argument, your spouse loses, and that damages your relationship. Instead, approach disagreements with the goal of understanding each other and finding a solution you both feel good about. Ask questions to understand your spouse’s perspective. Validate the parts of their argument you agree with. Look for common ground and areas where you can compromise. Philippians 2:2 encourages us to be “like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.” Work together as a team to resolve the issue.
Forgive and Move Forward
Inevitably, in the heat of an argument, you will say or do things you regret. You may hurt your spouse’s feelings or act in an unloving way. When this happens, take responsibility for your actions, apologize sincerely, and ask for forgiveness. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. “Forgiveness is key to moving forward after an argument. Don’t hold grudges or bring up past hurts. Wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Pray together and ask God to heal your relationship. With His help, you can grow closer through your disagreements rather than letting them drive you apart.
Seek Help When Needed
If you find that you are arguing frequently in ways that are hurtful or unproductive, don’t be afraid to seek help. Many Christian couples benefit from counseling or mentoring from a mature Christian couple. A third party can help you identify unhealthy patterns, learn new communication skills, and grow in your ability to resolve conflicts. The Bible is clear that we are not meant to go through life alone. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Reach out to your pastor, a Christian counselor, or a trusted mentor couple for support and guidance. They can help you apply biblical principles to your specific situation.
Arguing is a normal and even healthy part of marriage. The key is learning how to argue in a way that brings you closer together rather than driving you apart. Embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth, communicate with love and respect, focus on the real issues, seek to understand each other, forgive and move forward, and seek help when needed. With God’s help and the support of other believers, you can learn to argue in a way that strengthens your marriage and your faith.