Silently lurking in the closets and attic of your mate’s past and present life are signs that they may be struggling with insecurity that originates from low self-esteem. The following ten clues will help you determine if your mate has low self-esteem:
- Your mate’s childhood/adolescence was marked by some type of abuse (i.e. verbal, emotional, physical, sexual) or neglect by parents, peers, or others.
- Your mate fears opening up, being real and vulnerable with you and others.
- Your mate gets easily discouraged.
- Your mate lacks confidence in decision-making.
- Your mate has difficulty admitting when they are wrong or believes that they are always wrong and to be blamed.
- Your mate is a driven person or fears new challenges or tasks.
- Your mate is covertly critical of others, but still a “people pleaser.”
- Your mate has a tendency to be perfectionist.
- Your mate is overly critical of self (i.e., appearance, abilities, etc.)
- Your mate indulges in escape behaviors.
How To Build Your Mate’s Self-Esteem
Words are powerful seeds. Once planted in your mate’s life they have the power to build a positive self-image or to create a spreading malignancy that will destroy it.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Proverbs 18:21
You are not the only one who plants “weed seeds” in your mate’s life. In fact, many of their mistaken perceptions about themselves have sprouted from others’ negative words. These seeds have crept across the property lines of their life in the form of jokes, criticism, put-downs, or innuendoes from family, close friends, and peers. While you are not the only source of weed seeds, as a marital partner you have the power to help build your mate’s self-esteem by sowing good seeds.
Planting Good Seed
“Anxiety in the heart weighs a man down, but a good word makes it glad” (Proverbs 12:25).
Notice the impact of a “good word.” Not a sentence or a paragraph. Not a message, just one, well-placed, positive word.
Choose with wisdom and care the words you speak to your spouse. If you have been sowing weed seeds into your mate’s life don’t expect an immediate “crop failure.” It may take years to kill the bad seeds that have been carelessly spoken. Ask for their forgiveness. Ask that God will make you mindful of the power of your tongue and more aware of the words you speak to your mate.
Words are not the only source of weed seeds. A negative attitude and unkind behavior can also have a devastating effect on their self-image. For example, if you harbor resentment that prompts you to shut down toward your mate, weed seeds are being sown. Your mate feels devalued, which creates emotional insecurity.
Sow words of praise (i.e. to give value, to lift up, to extol, to magnify, to honor, to commend). Build your mate’s self-esteem through praise, which will help him or her feel valuable. The more you verbally express your appreciation, the more secure your mate will become in their self-esteem.
- Praise specifically. Sow the seed of praise with statements such as… “I appreciate you because you…” “I admire you for your…” “Thank you for…”
- Praise truthfully. There is a difference between truthful praise and flattery. Flattery gratifies a person’s vanity. It can notice and compliment only a person’s beauty, brains, or bucks. Praise, however, is based on a person’s character and deeds.
- Praise generously. Your praise can be excessive only if your words are insincere. Genuine, heartfelt praise cannot be overdone.
Esteem Builder Project
Write a paragraph of positive words to your mate. Pick one of the topics below:
- A paragraph of praise
- A paragraph of appreciation
- A paragraph of encouragement
- A paragraph of belief
Be specific—avoid generalities.
Be prepared to read your paragraph to your mate.
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