Communicate or Disintegrate!

Key Thought The process of becoming one depends heavily on a couple’s ability to communicate effectively with one another. It is the lifeblood of a healthy and growing relationship. Without it, a marriage will weaken and die.

What is effective communication? The process of listening and talking with one another in order to truly know and understand your mate. (Added benefits: the ability to express your love fully and completely; to effectively resolve conflict and problems in the home).

Two Options:  Communicate or Disintegrate!

Note: Before discussing how to improve our communication, we must first recognize and deal with two basic communication problems that all couples have. They are age-old problems dating all the way back to our first parents, Adam and Eve.

Genesis 2:25 “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

Prior to the Fall, before sin entered the picture, Adam and Eve were perfectly comfortable with one another. Their was no embarrassment concerning their bodies; no shame in regard to their sexual organs. But the couple’s unashamed nakedness went beyond just the physical. It was also a picture of their psychological and emotional transparency they shared together. There was no fear or barriers in their relationship. They experienced open and honest communication. Although Adam and Eve were totally exposed but felt totally accepted by each another.

Note: Transparency does not necessarily mean sharing everything with everybody; “letting it all hang out.” Adam and Eve’s transparency was in the context of their marital relationship.

The benefits of transparency: 1) Enables a couple to verbalize and demonstrate their love for one another; 2) Defeats isolation and facilitates oneness; 3) Eliminates misunderstanding and prevents unnecessary problems.

Genesis 3:7-8 “Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made for themselves coverings. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”

As a result of sin there was a full-scale breakdown in Adam and Eve’s relationship with God and one another. They hidnot only from each other (fig leaves) but also from God. Prior to the Fall there was no attempt to hide from one another or God.

Genesis 3:10 “So he said, ‘I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

Note: Sin always causes us to hide. Fear of being exposed for who and what we are causes us to hide from God and others. We disguise our real selves so that we show only what we want them to see. The more we hide the less we share and the more we keep in the less we let in.

Not only was there a relational breakdown but also a communication breakdown. Unable to hide any longer, Adam and Eve begin to hurl.

Genesis 3:11-13 “And He said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?” The man answered and said, The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree and I ate. And the Lord God said to the woman, What is this that you have done? The woman said, The serpent deceived me and I ate.”

Adam hurls not only at God for his sinful behavior but his wife as well. Eve, in turn, hurls at the serpent.

Note: Hiding and hurling causes us to build walls in order to shut our mate out. It fosters isolation rather than oneness.

Typical methods of hiding and hurling:

Hide: pout, sulk, withdraw, ignore, won’t talk, brood, fume, slam doors

Hurl: shout, scream, curse, criticize, insult, rage, ridicule, intimidate, threaten, sarcasm

Corrective measures for the Hider and the Hurler:

Hider: Main problem is clamming up

Ephesians 4:26 “Do not let the sun go down on your anger”

Matt. 18:15 “If your bother sins against you, go and tell him his fault just between you and him alone”

Ephesians 4:25 “speak the truth with your neighbor”

Release (your anger constructively)

• Usually involves confronting the other person that you are angry at; scary, but biblical!)
• Confront not to hurt back or embarrass but to…

Resolve (the problem)

• Approach with a solution oriented mind-set
• Attack the problem not the person

Hurler: Main problem is releasing too quickly/hastily

Proverbs 19:11 “It is prudent for a man to restrain his anger”

Ephesians 4: 29 “Let no corrupt communication come out of your mouth…”

James 1:19 “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger”

Restrain (your anger and calm down)

• Pull back on the reigns; slow down your reaction; think!
• Release (your anger constructively) Eph.4:29 “What is good for edification”
• Resolve (the problem)

 

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