Consistency: The Golden Rule of Effective Parenting

Consistency is the Golden Rule of effective parenting. It is the most important decision you will make when it comes to disciplining your child. Being consistent, however, is not easy. It requires dedication even on the days when you feel exhausted, when life is hectic, and when you just want to make your child happy. Unfortunately, what is easier in the short run often makes discipline more difficult in the long run.

What is Consistency?

Consistency is having the same clear expectations for a certain behaviors at all times, across all situations, and between all major caregivers. (There are no ‘betweens.’ You are either consistent or you are not. There is no “sometimes” or “almost always.”)

Benefits of Consistency:

1. Obedient, respectful behavior
2. Sense of security (i.e., life becomes predictable)
3. Encourages child to be accountable for their choices

Common Problems and Solutions in Being Consistent:

1. Limits and consequences are not clearly established in advance

Limits and consequences are not clearly defined in advance.

Solution: Set clear limits and the consequences for violating them. Limits should stay the same no matter who, what, when, where or why. If one parent disciplines in a different way when the other is not around or even fails to discipline at all, it will short circuit your child’s learning process.

2. Emotional reactions

Emotional reactions that come from parental frustration or anger are by their very nature inconsistent and unpredictable.

Solution: Respond to misbehavior with immediate, matter-of-fact warnings and consequences to prevent your emotions from building up and dictating your response. (Note: If you wait more than 5 minutes to discipline a young child they will typically not associate the negative consequences with the misbehavior.

3. Empty threats

Threatening a consequence for violating limits and not delivering.

Solution: The consequences for violating limits should be realistic and in proportion to the misbehavior.

4. Busy and distracted

Letting discipline slide when life gets hectic and you are tired or overwhelmed.

Solution: Commit to just a few, clear limits that do not change depending on the day, your mood, the situation or the environment.

5. Wanting to please

Parents don’t want to be the bad guy.

Solution: Children need a parent, not a buddy. Your child will always love you even if you make them temporarily unhappy.

6. Lots of talk but too little action

Too much explaining or ranting can reinforce the wrong behavior by giving it attention.

Solution: Keep feedback concise, stating only the established limit and the consequence.

7. Overlooking the good

Focusing only on misbehavior and minimizing good behavior

Solution: Give encouragement and praise when your child is exhibiting positive behavior.

8. No means yes

Caving in after you have said “no.”

Solution: This can easily undermine all of your hard work. If you are not sure you can hold true to your “No,” try saying “Maybe” or “We’ll see” instead. Then if you crack, at least you didn’t diminish the power of your “No.”

9. Mixed messages

Each parent says and does something different.

Solution: Make sure all caregiving adults are on board with the established limits.

 

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