How to Handle Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Relationships

Passive-aggressive behavior can be toxic to any relationship, but it is especially damaging in Christian relationships where we are called to love one another deeply and communicate with honesty and grace. Passive-aggression is a way of expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, or deliberate failure to handle requested tasks. It stems from a fear of conflict, low self-esteem, and insecurity. For Christians, passive-aggressive behavior is sinful because it violates God’s commands to address conflict directly (Matthew 18:15), speak truthfully (Ephesians 4:25), and seek the good of others above ourselves (1 Corinthians 10:24).

As a Christian counselor, I have seen the destructive impact of passive-aggression in many marriages and families. It erodes trust, creates confusion and pain for the recipient, and allows bitterness and resentment to fester in the passive-aggressive person. Some common examples I’ve observed include:

• Agreeing to do something but intentionally doing it wrong or forgetting to do it
• Procrastinating on tasks they don’t want to do
• Giving the silent treatment or withdrawing affection
• Making excuses for not following through on commitments
• Using sarcasm or veiled criticism to express anger
• Sabotaging the other person’s efforts
• Playing the victim or martyr

While we should have compassion for those who struggle with this behavior, as it often stems from childhood wounds and an inability to express needs and feelings directly, we must not enable or excuse it. Passive-aggression is a form of emotional abuse. As Christians, we are called to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) and not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths (Ephesians 4:29).

So how can we deal with passive-aggressive behavior in a Christlike way? Here are some suggestions:

1. Recognize it for what it is.

Pay attention to the signs of passive-aggression, such as procrastination, sarcasm, denial of anger, playing the victim, and sullen or stubborn behaviors. Remember, passive-aggressive people are often unaware of the impact of their actions. By recognizing the behavior, you can respond to it more effectively.

2. Respond, don’t react.

When faced with passive-aggressive behavior, it’s tempting to become frustrated and lash out in anger. But this will only make the passive-aggressive person feel more justified in their actions. Instead, stay calm and respond with clear, direct communication. Use “I” statements to express how the behavior makes you feel, and ask for what you need. For example, “I feel disrespected when you agree to do something but then don’t follow through. I need you to be honest with me about what you are and aren’t willing to do.”

3. Set clear boundaries and consequences.

Passive-aggressive people often push the limits to see what they can get away with. That’s why it’s crucial to set clear, consistent boundaries and follow through with consequences when those boundaries are violated. For example, if your spouse chronically procrastinates on household chores, you might say, “If the dishes aren’t done by 7pm as we agreed, I will not be able to watch that show with you tonight because I will need to do them myself.” Be prepared to follow through firmly and calmly.

4. Encourage honest communication.

Create an environment where it feels safe to express thoughts and feelings openly. Model this by sharing your own feelings using “I” statements. Invite the other person to share their perspective by asking open-ended questions and listening without judgment. When they do express themselves directly, even if it’s negative, thank them for their honesty. Pray together for God to help you communicate with integrity.

5. Extend grace and forgiveness.

Remember that overcoming passive-aggressive behavior is a process. There will be setbacks and failures along the way. As Christians, we are called to forgive one another as Christ has forgiven us (Colossians 3:13) and to bear with one another in love (Ephesians 4:2). Keep pointing one another back to the gospel and the truth that our identity and worth is found in Christ, not in our performance.

6. Seek help if needed.

If you have tried these steps but the passive-aggressive behavior continues, don’t hesitate to seek help from a pastor or Christian counselor. An objective third party can provide valuable insights and tools for changing the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship.

Passive-aggression has no place in Christian relationships. But by learning to recognize it, respond to it directly, set boundaries, encourage honest communication, extend grace, and seek help when needed, we can break free from this destructive pattern. As we do so, we will reflect the love and truth of Christ more fully in our families and communities.