Do You Keep Score?

The truth is that most of us have a mental scoreboard running in the background of our relationships, especially in marriage. Maybe you’ve never written it down, but you know what I’m talking about. You took out the trash three times this week. Your spouse forgot to pick up the milk—again. You planned the last date night, but who planned the one before that? It’s easy to slip into this habit of keeping score, quietly tallying up our sacrifices and our spouse’s shortcomings. But is this really what God wants for our marriages?

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “I do so much and get so little in return,” you’re not alone. In fact, you’re in good company with just about every married person who’s ever lived. But here’s the hard truth: keeping score in marriage is a recipe for resentment, not for oneness or joy. And from a Christian perspective, it’s completely upside down from the way God calls us to love.

Why Do We Keep Score?

Scorekeeping makes sense in sports, business, or even board games. It tells us who’s ahead and who’s behind, who’s winning and who’s losing. But marriage isn’t a competition. It’s a partnership, a covenant, a joining of two lives into one. When we bring a “winner vs. loser” mindset into marriage, we both end up losing.

So why do we do it? Sometimes it’s because we crave recognition. We want to feel appreciated for all we do. Other times, it’s because we feel hurt or overlooked, and keeping score is our way of making sure our pain is noticed. But more often than not, it’s just pride sneaking in the back door, whispering, “You deserve better. You’ve done more. You’re owed something.”

The Problem with Scorekeeping

The Bible is clear: love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). That’s not just a pretty phrase for wedding ceremonies. It’s a radical call to let go of the mental ledger we so easily keep. Why? Because scorekeeping destroys unity. When you’re busy tallying up who did what, you’re not working together—you’re working against each other.

Here’s the thing: we’re terrible scorekeepers anyway. We tend to exaggerate our own contributions and minimize our spouse’s. We remember every little thing we did right, but forget the ways our spouse has served us. And when we do notice their efforts, we often think, “Well, that’s just what they’re supposed to do.” Meanwhile, every slight, every forgotten chore, every misspoken word gets a big red mark in our mental notebook.

Jesus warned us about this kind of thinking. He talked about the plank in our own eye and the speck in our brother’s (Matthew 7:3-5). When we keep score, we’re usually staring so hard at our spouse’s “specks” that we miss the “plank” of pride and selfishness in our own heart.

God’s Scoreboard: Wiped Clean

Here’s the good news: God doesn’t keep score with us. If He did, none of us could stand. Psalm 130:3 says, “If you, LORD, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?” But the next verse gives us hope: “But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.” God, in His mercy, tears up the scorecard. He doesn’t hold our sins against us. Instead, He forgives, restores, and loves us unconditionally.

Think about that for a moment. If the God of the universe—who has every right to keep score—chooses not to, what right do we have to keep score with each other? Especially with our spouse, the person we’ve promised to love “for better or for worse.”

Forgiveness: The Only Way Forward

So what do we do when we’re hurt? When our spouse lets us down, forgets something important, or just doesn’t seem to notice all we do? The answer isn’t to keep a running tally. The answer is forgiveness.

Forgiveness in marriage isn’t about pretending nothing happened or ignoring real pain. It’s about choosing to let go of the debt, just as Christ let go of ours. It’s not a feeling—it’s a decision. Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

That doesn’t mean you never talk about issues or set healthy boundaries. But it does mean you refuse to let bitterness take root. You refuse to let the scoreboard dictate the health of your marriage.

Letting Go of Entitlement

One of the sneakiest lies in marriage is the idea that we’re entitled to something from our spouse. “I did this, so you owe me that.” But Christian marriage isn’t about getting what we deserve—it’s about giving what we’ve received from Christ: grace, mercy, and unconditional love.

Philippians 2:3-4 puts it this way: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” That’s the opposite of scorekeeping. That’s choosing to serve, even when it’s not noticed or reciprocated.

Practical Steps to Break the Habit

If you find yourself keeping score, don’t beat yourself up. We all fall into this trap from time to time. But here are a few practical steps to help you break free:

1. Acknowledge the Habit
   The first step is to recognize when you’re doing it. Are you mentally tallying up chores, favors, or mistakes? Bring it into the light.

2. Pray for a New Perspective
   Ask God to help you see your spouse through His eyes. Pray for the humility to let go of your sense of entitlement and the grace to forgive.

3. Focus on Gratitude
   Instead of counting what your spouse didn’t do, start noticing and appreciating what they do. Say thank you. Express gratitude for the little things.

4. Serve Without Expectation
   Do acts of love and service without expecting anything in return. Remember, you’re serving Christ by serving your spouse.

5. Communicate Honestly
   If something is truly bothering you, talk about it—not as a list of grievances, but as a desire for deeper connection and understanding.

6. Tear Up the Scorecard
   Literally or figuratively, get rid of the scorecard. Remind yourself daily that love keeps no record of wrongs.

What About When It’s Hard?

Let’s be real: sometimes it’s hard to let go. Maybe you feel like you’re the only one trying. Maybe old hurts keep resurfacing. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget, but it does mean you choose to remember differently. You choose to see your spouse through the lens of grace, not through the lens of past mistakes.

And if you’re in a situation where you’re being mistreated or abused, keeping score isn’t the issue—getting help and setting boundaries is. Forgiveness is still important, but so is safety and wisdom.

Living in the Light of God’s Love

At the end of the day, marriage isn’t about keeping score. It’s about living in the light of God’s love, extending forgiveness and mercy, and building each other up. When we let go of the scoreboard, we make room for real intimacy, trust, and joy.

So, are you ready to tear up the scorecard? Are you willing to let go of the need to be right, to be recognized, to be repaid? Are you willing to love as Christ loves you—fully, freely, and without keeping score?

Imagine the freedom that comes when you stop tallying up who did what. Imagine the peace that fills your home when forgiveness flows freely. Imagine the joy of knowing that, in Christ, you are enough—and so is your spouse.

Let’s be done with keeping score. Let’s choose love, grace, and forgiveness. After all, that’s the way God loves us—and that’s the love He calls us to share in our marriages.