Emotional Baggage in Christian Relationships

As Christians, we are called to love others as Christ loves us. However, bringing unresolved emotional issues and past hurts into a relationship can make truly loving another person very difficult. Whether it’s a dating relationship, engagement or marriage, emotional baggage can weigh down and even destroy an otherwise healthy Christian relationship if not properly addressed.

What is Emotional Baggage?

Emotional baggage refers to unresolved emotional issues, hurts and hang-ups from the past that continue to negatively impact a person in the present. This could include:

• Childhood wounds like abuse, neglect or abandonment
• Scars from past romantic relationships that ended in heartbreak
• Trust issues stemming from betrayal
• Insecurities and fears rooted in rejection or failure
• Unhealthy relational patterns learned in one’s family of origin
• Guilt and shame over past sins and mistakes

When we carry this baggage into a new relationship without dealing with it, it inevitably spills out and hurts the one we love. Proverbs 4:23 instructs, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Failing to guard our hearts by addressing emotional baggage gives the enemy a foothold to sabotage the relationships God intends for our good.

Signs You’re Carrying Baggage into a Relationship

How do you know if you have emotional baggage that needs to be unpacked? Here are some red flags to watch out for:

1. You have a hard time trusting your partner, even when they haven’t given you a reason to doubt them. Past betrayals cause you to question their faithfulness and honesty.
2. You overreact to small offenses or conflicts. Minor issues trigger outsized emotional responses in you because they remind you of past hurts.
3. You struggle with jealousy and feel threatened by your partner’s other relationships. Insecurity and fear of abandonment drive you to control them.
4. You have a hard time being vulnerable and opening up to your partner. Walls remain up because you’re afraid of being hurt again if you let them in.
5. You find yourself replaying old relationship patterns and dynamics with your current partner. Without realizing it, you relate to them in unhealthy ways similar to a hurtful ex or family member.

If any of these signs resonate with you, there is likely some emotional baggage that needs to be sorted through with God’s help. Ignoring it will only allow it to continue damaging your relationship.

Biblical Perspective on Emotional Baggage

Scripture is clear that holding onto baggage is not God’s best for us. Hebrews 12:1 urges us to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles” so we can “run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” That includes the burdens of unhealed hurts weighing us down.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28,30). He invites us to release our baggage to Him and find soul-rest. When we do, we can experience the abundant life and relationships He desires for us.

The enemy, on the other hand, wants us to cling to our baggage. He knows the destruction it causes. The thief comes to “steal, kill and destroy” the beautiful relationships God has for us (John 10:10). Carrying baggage gives him access to do just that.

Practical Steps to Unpack Baggage

If you recognize you have some baggage to deal with, here are some practical steps to begin the healing process:

1. Identify the root. Ask God to reveal the source of your emotional baggage. What past hurts or unhealthy patterns do you need to address? This may involve exploring your family background, relationship history and pivotal experiences that shaped you.
2. Grieve the losses. Often baggage contains unresolved grief over what was lost, whether it’s the loss of innocence, the loss of a relationship, or the loss of what could have been. Give yourself permission to grieve those losses and feel the full weight of the pain. God collects all our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).
3. Forgive the offenders. Forgiveness is key to releasing bitterness and resentment that keep us chained to the past. It doesn’t excuse what happened, but it sets us free. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Ask God to empower you to fully forgive so you can move forward.
4. Renew your mind. Pay attention to destructive thought patterns connected to your baggage. Are you believing lies about your worth, your identity or your future based on past wounds? Replace those lies with God’s truth. Meditate on verses that affirm who you are in Christ.
5. Seek wise counsel. Sometimes baggage is too heavy to unpack on our own. Seek out a Christian counselor, pastor or mentor who can guide you through the healing process. We’re not meant to carry burdens alone. Allow trusted believers to support you in your journey.
6. Communicate with your partner. As you work through your baggage, keep the lines of communication open with your boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. Let them know you’re actively addressing your emotional issues and how they can best support you. If your baggage has hurt them, humbly own it and ask for forgiveness.

Hope for Healing

Emotional baggage doesn’t have to have the last word in your relationships. There is hope for healing and restoration through Christ! As you surrender your baggage to Him, He will faithfully “restore the years the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25). The scars of your past can become a testimony of His redemptive work in your life and relationships.

No matter how much baggage you’re carrying, remember you are deeply loved by God. He sees you, He knows you, and He desires to make you whole. Don’t let shame keep you from pursuing healing. You are not damaged goods. You are a beloved child of God with inherent dignity and worth.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who is working through emotional baggage, extend grace and compassion. Encourage them in their healing process. Pray for them and point them to God’s unfailing love. Be patient as they unpack the hurts of their past. Believe the best about them and the person God is shaping them to be.

As you navigate emotional baggage together, keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, “the pioneer and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 12:2). He will be faithful to complete the good work He’s begun in you and your relationship (Philippians 1:6). And as you allow Him to carry your baggage, you’ll be free to carry one another’s burdens in love (Galatians 6:2).