Fight for Your Marriage

“For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” Malachi 2:16

If your marriage is going to last, you are going to have to fight for it. We are living in a culture of divorce that has seeped into everyday American life. Divorce has become embedded in our laws, values, movies, television programs, novels, and our closest and most important relationships. Marriage is no longer viewed as a sacred commitment for a lifetime but an agreement contingent on how long a couple’s love may last. Until we decide that marriage is truly worth it, we will continue to see a decline in our culture.

A lifetime commitment to another person is never easy, but it’s worth it. Your decision to make your marriage a priority matters. A generation is hanging in the balance. Don’t give your marriage up without a fight—it’s worth it.

1. Healthy marriages struggle.

There is no marriage on the face of the earth that has not encountered difficulty. We see two examples of marriage today: one is the picture-perfect marriage in which two people have children and seem to get through the hard parts without any difficulty. I’d like to suggest that this is simply untrue. All couples struggle. The other kind of marriage is the one that is flat-out awful. These couples make the cover of People Magazine for a while, and we’re fascinated, but then they divorce and another exciting and newsworthy couple takes their place. After all, ordinary marriages are not newsworthy.

2. Marriage is not about happiness.

I’m not talking to the woman suffering in a truly abusive marriage, but the one whose husband is emotionally clueless or who is selfish. I’m talking to the woman whose husband is “boring.” I’m talking to the man who thinks the grass is greener on the proverbial ‘other side’ or who is discontent because he has an unrealistic picture of what marriage would look like—if he were married to someone else. I’m talking to the woman who thinks that if she were married to so-and-so, she would be happy. Marriage is not about happiness. It’s about love and commitment. It’s an opportunity to become selfless. It’s a chance to learn what it means to serve another person with your whole heart. Sometimes that’s hard.

3. Accept the fact that you’re not marrying perfection.

Your spouse will make mistakes that upset you, but this doesn’t make him or her a bad person. Understand that your spouse chose you in spite of your faults. Tolerating, being patient, accommodating, and not complaining are wonderful ways to communicate commitment and love. Expect that there will be conflicts and disagreements, sometimes in the same night. Be willing to talk about them, and refuse to harbor resentment for days, weeks, or months.

3. Anticipate that things won’t always go your way.

If you push your point and not try to compromise or negotiate, you will eventually alienate your spouse. Look for signs that indicate all is not well. Is your spouse withdrawn? Does he or she seem irritated by the fact that you’re in the room? Do you continually interrupt when your spouse is speaking? Do you look for ways to debate or prove your mate wrong? Are you thinking of your response before your spouse finishes speaking?

5. Divorce is devastating with much collateral damage.

Don’t let anyone fool you. It affects everyone including your kids, your future grandchildren, your parents, your in-laws and friends. There is a flood of articles and books that suggest divorce isn’t as bad as you fear it will be. There are even therapists who will minimize the damage, but more often than not this is more about their personal situation than about yours.  Divorce is the death of a family unit and it is traumatic even to adult children.  It will take a psychological toll on you as well.

6. Don’t ignore the statistics.

The rate of divorce in first marriages is about 46%. The rate for second and third marriages goes up dramatically. It seems logical to believe we would learn something from the first mistake and have a greater chance of success with each attempt.  But marriage is an emotional choice for most people and our emotions and feelings change. You increase your odds for happiness by learning and growing in THIS marriage. A loving relationship is often more about learning how to love the one we are with than finding someone we can love.  People who stay married rely more on their commitment than their feelings.

 

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