Five Reasons We Misunderstand and Misinterpret Our Spouse: Even When We Think We’re Being Clear

How many times have you thought you were communicating clearly, only to discover that your words were taken in a way you never could have imagined—and likely, more negatively?

Here are 5 explanations as to why communication that, however carefully delivered, might be quite different from what your mate actually heard:

1. The other person is angry with you

Keep in mind that if the other individual is emotionally upset with you, whatever you say to them is likely to be taken unfavorably. So this is hardly the time to be making your most forceful arguments to convince them that your point of view is justified, or superior to theirs. Rather, in such instances, your job, if you’re willing to accept it, is to hear them out: To not be the speaker but the auditor, and to see whether you can’t validate where they’re coming from—though it may contrast sharply with your own perspective. If you want them to recognize the legitimacy of your position, you’ll probably first need to summon the patience, understanding, and compassion to listen sympathetically to theirs. In general, only by so doing might they be willing to listen to you without projecting onto your words a negatively distorted meaning born of their already being angry or irritated with you.

2. The other person is “negatively sensitized” to you

Your relationship may have deteriorated to the point that almost anything that comes out of your mouth will be received in a negative light. Especially in a distressed marriage, whatever you say is likely to be interpreted unfavorably. Your partner—now afflicted with a strong bias against you, and so no longer willing to give you the benefit of the doubt—is likely to perceive your explicit, or implied, meaning as something opposite to your (possibly) benign or even reconciliatory intentions. If you’re serious about quelling the hostility that’s overtaken your relationship, here’s one of the best things you can do: As non-defensively as possible, clarify what you meant to say, even as you empathically “identify” with your partner’s reality, sharing that you can appreciate how—given all the disagreements and misunderstandings that have led to your present stalemate—they might not be able to help aversely misunderstanding you.

3. The other person is strong-willed and rigid

 Unquestionably, whatever you might say to someone this uncompromising will pass through a “filter” protectively held in place and rendering impossible their ability to accurately, objectively, or sympathetically comprehend what you’re sharing. Their archly defensive, or mentally blinded, stance inevitably leads them to twist things around so they can remain safe and secure within their (exceedingly narrow) comfort zone. If this is the case, you either need to be painstakingly careful in how you approach them or—if it’s a viable option—not approach them at about topics to which they’ve already shown extreme reactivity.

4. You remind the other person of something or someone from their past

This particular reason for another’s mistaking your meaning is far more common than most people realize—but psychologically, it makes perfect sense. One tip-off of such a “mistaken identity” is when, in anger, your partner says to you:

“You’re just like my mother [or father]!” Assuming they have substantial unresolved issues with either caretaker—and in the moment something about your behavior reminded them of that person—you can be almost sure that whatever you said revived old feelings of parental acrimony. Even beyond this, there’s always the possibility (and it might only be some coincidental physical similarity) that another person misunderstood you because you unwittingly brought up something negative for them, the dynamics of which you couldn’t possibly appreciate. So whenever you feel seriously misconstrued, it’s wise—gingerly—to say something like: “What did you just hear me say? I’m puzzled by your reaction. Might I have reminded you of somebody else?”

5. The other person is in a state of stress 

If someone is in a “brainfog”—or maybe it’s nighttime and they’re already more than ready to hang it up for the day—and, notwithstanding, you still make efforts to engage them, you’re significantly increasing the likelihood that you’ll be misunderstood. They may just not have enough mental acuity at the moment to follow you—and they may be too tired even to articulate this to you. Consider that, as any good comic would tell you, “timing is everything.” It’s imprudent (if not downright foolish) to approach anything complex or conflictual when your potential listener is “listened out.”

 

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