Forget IQ: 7 Ways to Boost Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

“And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.” Luke 2:52

“Now the boy Samuel continued to grow both in stature and in favor with the LORD and also with man.” I Sam.2:26

It is now understood that a person’s EQ is far more important than one’s intelligence (IQ) in having successful interpersonal relationships and in the work world.

What is Emotional Intelligence (EQ)? EQ is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include 3 skills:

1. The ability to identify your emotions and those of others.
2. The ability to manage or regulate your emotions.
3. The ability to harness your emotions and apply them to tasks.

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Children

1. Academic success. Children with higher emotional intelligence perform better in school.
2. Academic retention. Children with higher emotional intelligence are less likely to drop out of high school or college.
3. Increased pro-social behavior. Children with higher emotional intelligence tend to be more adept at navigating relationships, cooperating and responding compassionately and appropriately with friends, at home and at school.
4. Less prone to act-out. Children with higher emotional intelligence are less likely to “self-medicate” with drugs and alcohol, to act out impulsively in anger, to become pregnant as teens, to develop eating disorders, and to engage in delinquent behaviors.
5. Better quality of life. Children with higher emotional intelligence are healthier, happier people who are able build rewarding relationships in every area of their lives, which typically leads to success in adulthood.

How Parents Can Help Their Children

Although many schools are beginning to use emotional intelligence curriculum, parents are in the best position to teach emotional intelligence.

1. Model emotional intelligence. The most important thing you can do to encourage emotional intelligence in your child is to regulate your own emotions. Kids learn emotional regulation from us. What they see you do is what they will do. Do you snap at others when you’re under stress? Do you have minor tantrums when things go wrong? So will they. Can you stay calm when your child does something you don’t like? Do you empathize when feelings are expressed? So will they.
2. Accurately name your own emotions. If you’re sad and crying, or angry, take time to name those emotions out loud with your child so he or she can learn to identify what you’re feeling. Emotions aren’t just “happy” or “sad.” Sometimes they are extremely complex and a rich vocabulary of feeling words can help unfold the complexity of emotions.
3. Validate your child’s feelings. If your child is having a complete meltdown, take the time to validate his feelings without giving in to them. “John, I know you’re angry about having to go to bed now, but our rule is 8:30 on a school night.”
4. Teach empathy. Talk about compassion and empathy for others’ feelings. Empathizing doesn’t mean you agree, but that you see it from their point of view.
5. Model effective communication. Use effective communication as you navigate your own relationships. Use feeling phrases like, “I feel angry when you forget to pay the power bill when you say you will.”
6. Encourage expression. Suppressed feelings don’t just fade away. They’re bottled up looking for a way out. They usually come to the surface as emotional or behavioral problems: a preschooler hits his sister, has nightmares, develops a nervous tic, etc. Normalize your child’s feelings so he can express and let them go.
7. Teach problem solving. Kids need to express their feelings, but they also need to know how to shift gears and find constructive solutions to problems. Sometimes they can do this themselves. Other times they need your help to brainstorm. Resist the urge to rush in and handle the problem unless they ask for your help.

 

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