Get Off the Crazy Train: 8 Strategies for Dealing with a Defiant Child

“To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child.” Prov. 29:15

Dealing with a defiant child can be a maddening experience. If this behavior isn’t managed early on, it can turn into a parent’s worst nightmare, namely, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (i.e., a pattern of an angry/irritable mood, argumentative and defiant behavior, disobedience, or vindictiveness toward non-siblings).

Generally, when a child acts out with defiant behavior, there is usually a reason behind it. It may be that they are looking for attention, testing boundaries, or experiencing frustration about school or their social life. Taking the time to understand why your child is acting out is often a big part of the solution. But, until you understand what is driving the defiant behavior, what is a parent supposed to do?

Strategy #1: Get to Calm

It’s always best to remain calm when you are dealing with a defiant child. If they sense they’re getting to you, it becomes a reward and encourages them to keep up the behavior. They may feel they’re closer to getting you to give in. Staying calm will let them know you’re in control of the situation. When you witness defiant behavior, don’t lose your temper. Instead, take a step back and calmly tell your child that their behavior is unacceptable and you’ll deal with it at a later time.

Strategy #2: Make it Clear Up Front

Children of all ages need to know the family rules for everything from helping out with chores, to completing homework, to bedtime and curfews, to acceptable behavior toward others. The time to discuss these matters is when things are going well, not after an incident has occurred. Set the limits and make the consequences clear up front. This leaves no room for debate.

Strategy #3: Don’t Get Caught in a Power Struggle

Don’t enter into a battle of wills. You will lose. If you allow them, a defiant child will debate until they wear you down. To prevent this from occurring don’t go there. Avoid getting into a heated debate where you lock horns. When you engage in an argument with your child, you’re reinforcing their perception that they have the power to challenge you, which can lead to more defiant behavior. The next time your child tries to draw you into a power struggle, simply say, “You know your behavior is unacceptable. I refuse to talk about it anymore,” then leave the room.

Strategy #4: Consistently Enforce Age-Appropriate Consequences

Effective consequences can be grouped into two categories: removals and impositions. A “removal” is taking something away from the child. The most well-known and widely used removal is a time out. Other effective removals include grounding from social activities; taking away electronic devices for a period of time; immediately leaving the park, a friend’s house, or a family party when defiant behavior occurs. Impositions are consequences that impose a new situation upon the child. Putting his own money into a family “fine” jar; doing extra chores; having to run errands with mom because he abused the privilege of staying home alone by inviting friends over without permission.

Strategy #5: No Second Chances or Bargaining

Consistency is key if you don’t want to reinforce bad habits. Once your child is old enough to understand that behaviors have consequences, don’t give second chances. This teaches your child that you aren’t serious about the rules. And don’t bargain with your child in return for better behavior. This is one of the most damaging things a parent can do. You are enabling their defiant behavior. They will see how far they can push you before you strike another bargain.

Strategy # 6: Always Build on the Positive

Make sure that you build on the positive attitudes and actions of your child. Praise and reward them for positive behaviors and a cooperative attitude. Positive reinforcement can go a long way in raising a responsible child.

Strategy #7: Harness Stubbornness in the Right Direction

Being stubborn is not a totally bad thing. The key is to harness this personality trait and steer it in the right direction. Do your best to get your child to be determined about the right things so their stubbornness will be an asset to them.

Strategy #8: Set Regular Times to Talk to Your Child

When things are going well, take time to talk with your child. Let them know that you take your job as their parent very seriously and your intention is to help them grow into a responsible, productive, self-reliant adult. Remind them that your family has limits and consequences for their good and not to cause grief.

 

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