What is emotional baggage? In simple terms, it is unresolved emotional issues from the past. For some, emotional baggage goes back to childhood. For others, it may be of a more recent origin. The primary characteristic of most emotional baggage is that it involves some type of abuse and/or trauma. Because these painful experience(s) have not been addressed and processed, there is a tendency to ruminate about what happened. You become weighed down by those feelings. It’s like carrying multiple suitcases loaded with negative emotions, which makes your travel through life much more difficult. Unfortunately, this baggage is often “unpacked” in relationships, which creates difficulty in getting along with others.

Some people are resilient and bounce back while others seem to be consumed with their emotional pain. Those memories can haunt these individuals for years and even decades.There are four types of emotional baggage: regret, shame, guilt and anger:

Regret is a negative emotional state that results from blaming ourselves for a bad outcome. You have a sense of loss at what might have been; sorrow that you cannot undo a previous decision that you made. Regret can leave you stuck in the past mulling over situations in which you have no control and cannot change. It can make you afraid to take risks and doubt your own judgment.

“About that time Judas, who betrayed him, when he saw that Jesus had been condemned to die, changed his mind and deeply regretted what he had done, and brought back the money to the chief priests and other Jewish leaders.” Matthew 27:3

Shame is a powerful emotion, which causes you to feel worthless, embarrassed, humiliated, or unclean after having experienced, committed, or associated with a shameful act.

Many confuse guilt with shame. A simple way to understand the difference is that guilt says, ‘I did something wrong’ while shame says, ‘I am something wrong’. Guilt is associated with the wrong action, but shame is the belief that something is inherently and deeply wrong with you. Shame can impact the whole trajectory of your life:

  • People who live with shame often avoid relationships and are less likely to be vulnerable.Shame causes you to hide and self-conceal. You are unwilling to share your true self with the world.
  • People who live with shame suppress their emotions.If you feel ashamed of who you are or of something that has happened to you, it is likely you’ll keep your thoughts and feelings wrapped up inside.
  • People who live with shame often feel worthless, depressed, and anxious.
  • People who live with shame are less likely to take healthy risks.Shame diminishes your sense of self-confidence, which will keep you from making decisions that might end in failure. It will prevent you from taking risks concerning jobs, relationships, school, etc. unless you feel certain the outcome will be favorable.
  • People who live with shame are more likely to relapse back into problem behaviors.Research indicates that people who struggle with alcoholism are more likely to relapse back into drinking if they experience shame. Those who are ashamed of their behavior sometimes continue in that behavior because they don’t believe that change is possible. Shame can be the reason people choose not to take steps towards healing. They believe they are worthless and are likely to engage in behaviors that are bad for their health and well-being.

Guilt is the emotional distress that you experience when you have done something wrong or committed an offense that violates your conscience. King David is a prime example of someone who struggled with guilt. He had committed adultery and murder then attempted to cover it up. Look at the terrible impact his guilt had on him until he finally confessed his wrongdoing:

“There was a time when I wouldn’t admit what a sinner I was. But my dishonesty made me miserable and filled my days with frustration. All day and all night your hand was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water on a sunny day until I finally admitted all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, “I will confess them to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.” Psalm 32:3-5

In verses 3-4, David gives a vivid physical and emotional description of his struggle with guilt.  He says that his “strength evaporated like water on a sunny day”. He was clearly depressed and feeling physically exhausted. David describes the weight of his guilt as God’s hand being “heavy upon me”.

God, in his mercy, will keep his heavy hand upon you when you have sinned and need to confess. Covering up, running away, denying, avoiding, or overcompensating will only magnify the deep sense of guilt you feel. To prevent guilt from turning into shame you must come clean before God and those that you have offended.

Anger is a strong emotion that occurs when you think someone has behaved in an unfair, cruel, or unacceptable way. Anger is a God-given emotion that can be used in a constructive or a destructive manner. Anger can be used to express negative feelings and move us to find solutions to relationship problems or it can be unleashed on others (verbal and physical abuse). Sometimes anger can have a destructive effect on you mentally and/or physically when it is internalized. This is vividly illustrated in the life of Absalom, one of David’s favorite sons. When he discovered that his sister, Tamar had been raped by his half-brother, Amnon, notice how he handled his anger:

“Has your brother Amnon had his way with you? Now, my dear sister, let’s keep it quiet—a family matter. He is, after all, your brother. Don’t take this so hard.” Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s home, bitter and desolate. King David heard the whole story and was enraged, but he didn’t discipline Amnon. David doted on him because he was his firstborn. Absalom quit speaking to Amnon—not a word, whether good or bad—because he hated him for violating his sister Tamar. Two years went by. One day Absalom threw a sheep-shearing party in Baal Hazor in the vicinity of Ephraim and invited all the king’s sons. He also went to the king and invited him. “Look, I’m throwing a sheep-shearing party. Come, and bring your servants.” But the king said, “No, son—not this time, and not the whole household. We’d just be a burden to you.” Absalom pushed, but David wouldn’t budge. But he did give him his blessing. Then Absalom said, “Well, if you won’t come, at least let my brother Amnon come.” “And why,” said the king, “should he go with you?” But Absalom was so insistent that he gave in and let Amnon and all the rest of the king’s sons go. Absalom prepared a banquet fit for a king. Then he instructed his servants, “Look sharp, now. When Amnon is well into the sauce and feeling no pain, and I give the order ‘Strike Amnon,’ kill him. And don’t be afraid—I’m the one giving the command. Courage! You can do it!” Absalom’s servants did to Amnon exactly what their master ordered. 2 Samuel 13: 20-29

Anger can be used for good or bad purposes. When you choose to clam up or blow up, you will inevitably damage your relationship with others

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