Get To Calm: When Your Kids Make You Want to Scream

Introduction: Most parents yell at their kids and are fairly astute at giving excuses for their behavior. We all know, however, that we shouldn’t yell and that it has a long-term, negative impact on our kids. This lesson is focused on stopping the behavior. Why? BECAUSE IT IS WRONG AND DOESN”T WORK!

Why Yelling Doesn’t Work:

1. Yelling begets yelling

What you model is what your children will imitate. If you yell, you’re training them to yell. The principal reason that your kids are yelling is because you have over-reacted to them. It’s time to stop yelling and change the tone of your house.

2. Yelling gives your child control

When you yell at your child, you hand over all control to them.  They learn how to push your buttons and get you to react. It’s time to remember that you are the adult and need to start acting like it. That means not reacting to your kid’s tantrum with an adult tantrum.

3. Yelling is more about you than your kids

Think about the excuses you use for yelling at your kids. “They make me angry,” “I don’t deserve to be treated that way,” “I didn’t raise them like this,”  “What will people think of me if they see this?” All of these reasons are about you; you yell for selfish reasons.

4. Yelling is like throwing gasoline on an open flame

If your stove is on fire, what is your initial reaction? Would you grab a can of gasoline and drench the flame? If your child is misbehaving and you yell, you are accelerating an already heated situation.

5. Yelling kills the chance for conversation

As parents we should take advantage of teachable moments; to use them for our kid’s moral and spiritual growth. When we yell, we forfeit the chance to have meaningful conversations with our kids.

6. Yelling does not teach the heart

As Christian parents our goal is to reach our child’s heart. Yelling is never about the heart; it’s always about the child’s misbehavior. Even if your yelling does produce the behavior you desire, he will never become more than a sophisticated Pharisee; a person more concerned with external appearances than inward heart issues.

How to Stop Yelling:

You only have two options when your child does something that makes you want to scream:

• Yell and escalate the situation
• Get to calm and deescalate the situation

1. Set limits and consequences BEFORE you get angry. If your child begins to act-out, immediately take positive action. Calmly state the choices (i.e., “You can calm down and speak respectfully or go to your room.”)
2. There is no emergency. This is the critical moment; your body has been hijacked by fight or flight hormones; your brain thinks it’s an emergency; you feel an urgent need to act. Repeat after me: THERE IS NO EMERGENCY. Research shows that when we get upset, our kids get more upset. When we act like it’s an emergency, our child spins further out of control.
3. Get to calm first. Do NOT address the misbehavior until you get to calm. “I need to calm down. I’ll be back in a minute” or “We’ll talk about this when I’m both calmer,” then move away from your child. When you do this you are role modeling how to regulate emotions.
4. Defuse your anger.  Breathe deeply. Change your thoughts to defuse your anger (i.e., “He’s acting like this because he IS a child,” “I can handle this the right way”).
5. Once calm, move back to your child. Once you’re calm get reconnected, address the misbehavior and teach (i.e., “I know you were frustrated, but it’s not okay to scream at Mom. Next time, what should you do?”).
6. If you slip, nip it. If you slip and start yelling, stop in mid-sentence. Close your mouth. You’re not embarrassing yourself, you’re demonstrating the kind of self control you want your child to learn. If you do this every time, sooner or later you’ll be able to stop yourself before you start yelling.

 

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