Helping Your Child Deal with Emotional Pain

By the age of four it’s common for children to already be carrying emotional pain. By age eight, many have already found an escape behavior. On average, it takes fifteen years from the first involvement in an escape behavior to when that person hits bottom (i.e., powerless over the behavior; lacking the ability to stop.)

Emotional pain can come in a massive overload (e.g., death of family member, family break up due to divorce, becoming uprooted) that is far beyond the child’s ability to process. Continuous pain events, however, can be as damaging as a single heavy overload. When emotional pain goes unprocessed in a child’s life, it opens the door for depression and anxiety, which eventually creates a need for escape.

One of the more difficult aspects of being a parent is dealing with our children’s emotionally painful feelings. This may be due to our own painful experience with a parent or simply a desire to see our children happy. As a result, many parents attempt to suppress their children’s negative feelings rather than help them express and process what they are experiencing. The following approaches are typical mistakes parents make when their child is in emotional pain:

1. The Fix-It Approach

The “fix-it” approach is an attempt to take away the child’s pain as quickly as possible. In our culture, parents divert their child’s focus through shopping, having fun, food, etc. As a result, parents unwittingly reinforce escape behaviors.

2. The “Just Get Over It” Approach

AKA the “just put it behind you” approach. “Hey, everyone gets hurt sometimes—shrug it off.” The problem with this approach is that the child’s negative feelings have not been processed. The message is to get rid of them (i.e., suppress). Over time, children learn to interpret the negative feelings that cause emotional pain as weak, silly or unacceptable.

3. The “Children Are Starving in China” Approach

Someone is always having a more difficult time than you are, which means your feelings are not important in the larger scheme of things. It’s a good idea to help a child gain a larger picture of humanity, but not to belittle a their emotional pain, no matter how trite it may seem to the adult. It’s through the experience of our own emotionally painful experiences that we are able to understand and identify with the pain of others.

4. The “My Problems Are Bigger Than Yours” Approach

“Knock it off. You don’t know what trouble is!” And, of course you are right. He has no idea what it’s like to be in your shoes. But, by overpowering your child’s negative feelings with your problems, you are communicating that his feelings are insignificant and not worthy of consideration.

A Better Approach:

How should parents deal with a child’s painful feelings? Any attempt to get rid of, bypass, or suppress negative emotions is counterproductive.

1. Facilitate the Expression

Draw out the feeling by asking leading questions, listening carefully to the responses, and reflecting back what is heard.

2. Contain the Emotion

Containing the emotion takes place as you facilitate the conversation. Encourage your child to recount the upsetting incident. Demonstrate that you understand and are concerned. By empathizing, you convey that you are willing to absorb (i.e., contain) their painful feelings, which provides them emotional relief.

3. Talk to God

Children need to know that God is aware of their pain and understands (Ps. 147:3). He is ready to give them his comfort (2 Cor. 1:3-4). Pray with your child. Encourage them to verbalize their emotional pain to Him. Reassure them that God will bring healing.

4. Problem-Solve

In some cases, the expression of feelings to a parent and/or God is all that is needed. In other cases, the next step is to help your child problem-solve. Examine the alternatives with them (e.g., change of attitude, forgiveness). Whatever the solution, the important thing is that you are encouraging your child…

1. To experience emotional disappointment, rejection, hurt, frustration, or anger.
2. To verbally express their feelings (as opposed to acting them out).
3. To look for viable solutions to their problems.
4. To channel their negative feelings into positive actions (as a result of problem solving).

 

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