If there’s a question that makes Christian couples squirm in the weeks or months leading up to engagement, it’s this one: “How many people have you had sex with?” It can pop up suddenly—maybe during a walk, over coffee, or on a late-night call. One person gets brave and asks, or maybe it’s expected as you share more about your pasts. Suddenly, what felt private is now front and center, and both of you want to get this right. You don’t want to lie, but you also worry: Will this change everything? Is my story too much? Can we still have a future together?

This is one of the realest, rawest moments in Christian courtship. In a world where “body count” (sexual history) is casually discussed, keeping secrets isn’t the answer—especially for those committed to pursuing marriage in a Christ-honoring way. So how do you handle it? How do you talk honestly about your past, process each other’s answers, and move forward with truth, grace, and hope for the future?

Why Is This Question So Loaded?

First, it’s okay to admit that this topic makes you anxious. Sexual history goes to the heart of identity, shame, trust, and forgiveness. For many Christians, there’s the added tension of knowing what God’s standards are but also carrying real-life stories that don’t line up with those standards. Maybe you made mistakes before you knew Christ. Maybe you wandered from faith for a time, or maybe your journey back to God has been bumpy. Whatever the details, this conversation feels high-stakes because it involves your most vulnerable places—your body, your past choices, and your hopes for the future.

For some, “body count” represents just numbers. For Christians, it’s always more: each person is a soul, each encounter tells a story, and every moment of intimacy matters deeply to God.

Why Being Honest Matters

Scripture is clear that honesty is foundational for loving relationships. “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25). Marriage is built on trust, and trust requires truth. Hiding your past only guarantees that shame or insecurity will linger later. Unaddressed secrets have a habit of popping up in moments of stress or trial. When couples are honest, even about painful things, they lay a foundation that can weather more than just this conversation—it can withstand the storms that come in every marriage.

What If My Number Is Higher Than I Want to Admit?

You might feel your story is “too much.” You might fear judgment or rejection, even from a fellow believer. But hiding or minimizing won’t serve you—or your future spouse. Here’s what you can do:

  1. Pray First
    Before you talk, ask God for wisdom, courage, and the right words. Invite Him into your story. God already knows every detail and extends full forgiveness through Jesus.

  2. Be Honest—But Sensitive
    Share your story factually, not graphically. Your goal isn’t to relive every detail, but to provide necessary truth and context. Don’t treat your past like a secret advantage or punish yourself with too much information. Stick to what’s needed for understanding, not comparison.

  3. Acknowledge God’s Forgiveness
    If you’ve repented and asked God for forgiveness, then you are washed clean (1 John 1:9). Make this clear to your partner: “This is my story, but it’s not the person I am now. Christ has redeemed me, and I walk in His grace.”

  4. Invite Questions, But Set Some Boundaries
    It’s normal for your partner to have questions. Answer honestly, but remember neither of you needs deep, explicit details to move forward. Offer reassurance, but remind each other your identity is not in your number—it’s in Christ.

How Should We Respond When We Hear the Answer?

Maybe you find out your partner’s number is higher than you expected, or lower, or different than you’d hoped for your “future spouse.” This can bring up all kinds of emotions: disappointment, jealousy, fear, shame, or even relief. Here’s how to proceed in a Christ-centered way:

  1. Offer Grace Before Judgment
    Remember, you are marrying a sinner saved by grace—just like yourself. No one deserves God’s love, but we’re all invited into it. Don’t turn your partner’s past into a spiritual scorecard. Romans 3:23–24 says, “All have sinned and fall short… and are justified freely by his grace.” If God can embrace them, so can you.

  2. Pray Through Jealousy and Insecurity
    It’s normal to feel jealous or compare yourself to people from your partner’s past. Bring these feelings to God before you bring them to your partner. Ask for His perspective—He doesn’t keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5).

  3. Focus on Repentance, Not Perfection
    Has your partner turned from their past? Are they pursuing purity now, seeking to walk with Jesus, transparent about struggles and healing? Growth matters more than “clean records.” Sometimes the most humble and faithful partners are those who know what it means to be forgiven much.

  4. Remind Each Other of Your New Identity
    When two Christians prepare for marriage, their identity is not “ex-virgin” or “mistake-free.” Both are “new creations” (2 Corinthians 5:17). The cross really is big enough for both your stories.

What If We Don’t Agree on Sexual Morals Now?

Sometimes the body count conversation reveals that two people have very different beliefs about sex, intimacy, and what’s appropriate before marriage. If your partner is still casual or indifferent about sexual boundaries, or if they do not share your convictions, this is a red flag. Unity in this area is crucial for long-term trust and peace in marriage.

If this is where you find yourselves, press pause. Discuss your values, beliefs, and expectations honestly. Pray together, seek mentors’ advice, and don’t rush into marriage until you’re truly on the same page about God’s vision for sexuality.

Can We Move Forward Together After Sharing Our Past?

Absolutely—but it takes time, communication, and lots of grace. Here are a few steps to help you both walk in freedom and hope:

  • Pray Together
    Bring your past, present, and future before God. Pray for healing, for the ability to receive each other’s story, and for strength to move forward in purity.

  • Affirm Your Commitment
    Assure each other that love is not based on perfection but on commitment, mercy, and shared faith. Vows mean “from this day forward”—and God honors those who honor Him now.

  • Seek Wise Counsel
    Don’t navigate this alone. Trusted Christian mentors, pastors, or counselors can help both partners process the emotions, offer perspective, and encourage new patterns of trust and intimacy.

  • Set Boundaries Together
    If you struggled with sexual sin before, make a plan to honor God in your relationship now. Don’t count on good intentions alone—choose accountability, healthy limits, and open conversation.

  • Celebrate Redemption, Not Regret
    God delights in turning scars into stories of grace. Celebrate the ways He’s rewritten each of your stories—and prepare to build a new one together, full of hope.

A Word to Those Who Regret Their Body Count

If your past includes choices you wish you hadn’t made—or scars you didn’t choose at all—please hear this: you are not disqualified from love. God’s specialty is creating beauty from brokenness. You are not “damaged goods.” Christ’s love never treats you as less than His beloved. The best marriages do not start with two perfect people, but with two forgiven ones.

And to the one who finds out your partner’s past is hard to accept: be honest about your feelings, but keep your hands open to grace. Sometimes these conversations become the soil where humility, gentleness, and deep Christlike love grow. Pray for the eyes to see your partner as God does.

Preparing for Marriage Means Preparing for Truth

The question of “body count” will probably never get easier to ask—or answer. But Christian couples have a unique opportunity to face this honestly, lovingly, and without fear. Your story matters, but your future together in Christ matters even more.

Let your relationship be marked by truth-telling, grace-giving, and genuine hope. In a world where secrets erode trust and shame stifles joy, choose the path of gospel honesty. In the end, it’s not the number that matters—but the new song God is ready to write with two honest, surrendered hearts. That’s the story worth telling, and the marriage worth building.