Laying a good foundation during a child’s formative years is critically important in determining who and what they will become as an adult.
Key Thought: When a father clearly understands and consistently carries out his God-given role, his children tend to excel in the areas of character, conduct, and achievement.
Corollary: When a father abandons his God-given role, his children tend to experience problems in the areas of character, conduct, and achievement.
The Effects of a Weak or Absent Father Figure:
Reasons for Uninvolved Fathers:
The Five Basic Elements of a Father’s Role:
Nowhere is this more succinctly stated than in the divinely established qualifications for an elder in the church—I Timothy 3:4-5. “He must manage his family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church.”
Definition: Manage (Gk. ‘Proistemi’—lit. to stand before; to preside over). God places a Dad in the home to lead. God’s authority in the home centers in him.
Sidenote: Sadly, in many homes Dad thinks he is the head of the house, and Mom may even let him believe it, but in reality she is the one who manages nearly everything. Most of the time he does not know what is going on and may not even care. Why? Because it takes the responsibility off of his shoulders. She decides what the children can and cannot do; she checks on their schoolwork; she talks to their teachers and signs their report cards; she helps them deal with their problems; she teaches them what they need to know; she takes them where they need to be, etc. Dad is little more than a bystander who yells at the children once in awhile to make his presence known. What exactly is involved in a father managing his home? He is to take the lead in providing the physical necessities such as food, clothing, shelter, and medical care. The apostle Paul uses a masculine pronoun in referring to these kinds of things in I Timothy 5:8: “If anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
Sidenote: Certainly a mother may work but the primary responsibility for meeting the family’s basic needs rests upon Dad. Lazy fathers who refuse to accept this responsibility need to heed this severe indictment. A father is to take the lead in instructing his children—teaching them to live inaccordance to the Word of God. King David refers to this function in Psalms 78:5: “For He gave His laws to Israel and commanded our fathers to teach them to their children.” The apostle Paul likewise mentions this responsibility in I Thessalonians 2:11-12: “For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting, and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into His kingdom and glory.” A father is to take the lead in conducting times of Bible study and family worship; in encouraging family involvement in the ministry of a local church, and establishing the family’s testimony in the community.
Sidenote: Too often it is Mom who takes the lead in spiritual matters which leave the kids the with the idea that church is a woman’s world and spreading the gospel is woman’s work. When Dad becomes the source of spiritual strength in the home, children begin to get serious about the Christian life.
Summary: In the final analysis, properly managing the home means that a father must oversee everything. That does not mean being a dictator—running everything with an iron hand, making every decision, and doing everything himself. As a godly manager, he prayerfully considers the thinking of others and makes his decisions based on their good and rather than his. He recognizes his wife’s abilities and encourages her to develop and use them to their fullest extent. She, in turn, will make sure that he is aware of what is going on and approves. As he faithfully discharges that responsibility it will bring a great sense of security to both her and the children.
The best thing a father can do for his children is to express a Christ-like love to their mother. This idea is biblical: “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church” (Eph. 5:25). Simply stated, that means after the Lord Himself, a husband’s wife is to come first—before his job, friends, and even before his children and Christian service! If a father will openly love the mother of his children in this way, they will gain a great sense of satisfaction and security that nothing else in the world can provide. They may groan, cover their eyes and moan, “Oh brother, here we go again” when you take her in your arms and kiss her, but deep down there will be a warm glow of contentment. Dad, love your wife.
Sidenote: In a recent survey done with college students, the most frequent answer given as to how their parents might have failed them was the following: ‘There was a lack of love demonstrated between Mom and Dad’. One girl wrote, “I know I can’t blame them totally but I am not a very warm, receptive person.” Some in the survey had never seen any open expression of love between their parents and were suffering from emotional malnutrition. A heart of love is essential in reaching the deepest personality of your child. It is the “conductor” along which heart-to-heart communication can flow. Without love your child is “insulated” from you and from whatever you might try to share.
Sidenote: Isn’t it natural for all parents to love their children? The answer is ‘no’. Love doesn’t come naturally—it must be learned. The apostle Paul instructs Titus to…“teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderous or addicted to wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure; to be kind, and subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the Word of God.” (Titus 2:3-4) If it was an inherent characteristic that all parents possessed there would be no need for any of us to be taught how to love. The implication is that love is not a feeling but an attitude that issues forth in action. It is giving of oneself in real, tangible ways to their spouse and children. What are the specific actions that Christian parents can learn and practice with their children? What are the behaviors that say, “I love you.”
Words.
All children need to be told consistently that they are loved. Unfortunately, some parents find it extremely difficult to tell their children that they love them. They want to say those tender words but they will not come out. To force them would seem contrary to their whole makeup and nature. If you have that problem, God is ready to give you His grace if you will simply ask. Most parents report an immediate improvement in their child’s behavior when they make a habit of saying, “I love you.”
Actions.
Words won’t do it all. They must be backed up by actions. Children are amazingly perceptive. They know when our words are meaningless and empty.“Let us stop saying we love people; let us really love them and show it by our actions.” (I John 3:18) It means more than just feeding, clothing, and buying them material things. Certainly it is our God-given responsibility to provide for their basic material needs, but most children can sense when a parent is salving his/her guilty conscience. They intuitively know that some gifts are given to compensate for the love that their parents have failed to show.
Time.
Our words also need to be backed up with time spent with them. How often do we say, “I don’t have the time for that now.” How much trouble would it be to give a few minutes of our undivided attention when they need it? This doesn’t mean that we must drop everything and run every time they want us to do something with or for them. They can be taught to wait when that is necessary. For some children, however, the attention they ask for and wait for never comes. As a result, they develop less acceptable ways of getting it. Children need the right kind of time—quality not quantity. Ten minutes of uninterrupted time spent doing what they want to do may be more valuable than ten hours of distracted time spent scolding, lecturing, or criticizing. Showing an interest in what interests them will help build a sense of companionship and confidence in their parents. Hopefully, that will make it easier for them to talk to us in the critical teen years. We must do everything we can to foster that companionship and confidence even when our time is limited. Planning family recreation and fun will help parents escape the time trap. Rather than depend on events just happening spontaneously, it is far wiser to plan them. A little creative thinking will unveil scores of possible ways to have fun as a family.
Appreciation and praise.
Why is it so easy to scold and criticize our kids when they have done something wrong, but so hard to offer a sincere word of commendation when they have done something good? A steady diet of criticism will slowly but surely chip away at their self-confidence and make them a little more apprehensive about their capabilities.
Sidenote: The most detrimental criticism is that which is directed at the personality and character of the child rather than his conduct. When we call him stupid, clumsy, bad, ugly, or other unflattering adjectives, he will begin to see himself in those terms. Sometimes it is necessary to point out those areas of weakness that need to be corrected, but our comments need to focus on what he does rather than who or what he is. The positive approach, however, is far more effective. Diligently look for those things that he does well and compliment him. That will build a sense of self-confidence and help him overcome the “I can’t do it” syndrome. It will also convince him that you really do care for him, approve of him, and are glad that he is your child.
Understanding.
We can help our child feel our love by being understanding. Every child is an individual, different form every other child in looks, personality, intelligence, aptitude, and emotional responses. Each one has the right to be accepted as such and not forced into a mold. (Jim may be an eager reader while Jack is skillful with his hands.) Encourage each child in his own particular area of interest and be careful not to compare one child with another. That kind of comparison will breed resentment toward you and that sibling. Showing favoritism always brings heartache and sorrow. This was tragically true in Isaac’s home. “Isaac’s favorite son was Esau because of the venison he brought home, and Rebekah’s favorite was Jacob” (Gen. 25:28). No child needs to feel that he or she is second in their parent’s affections. In order to really understand our child we need to listen to what they are saying. We often jump to the wrong conclusions, offer advice, or give lectures without ever hearing our child out. We then wonder why they stop confiding in us. Listen, think, and try to understand what they are saying, then express words that let them know that you understand. “He who answers before listening, that is his folly and shame” (Prov. 18:13).
Respectful.
We can express our love by showing respect to our children. They are persons too. God made them with value and eternal worth and they should be treated accordingly. That means never laughing at their weaknesses or ridiculing their peculiarities. “George, you throw like a girl,” or “Well, how’s my little butterball Linda today?” It’s not just “innocent fun.” It damages sensitive spirits, destroys their fragile self-esteem, and puts another strain on their struggle to maturity. Respect also means not talking about them disparagingly in their presence like they were pieces of furniture in the room. Dad says, “I’m afraid that Jack will never amount to anything.” If Jack hears him say that often enough, he will soon convince himself that it is true. He will quit trying because his Dad, who knows much more than he does, has already concluded that he is not capable of accomplishing anything worthwhile.
Tone of Voice.
We can communicate love to our children by our tone of voice. You may say that you love your child but you are not demonstrating love when you scream or yell. “Love is not irritable or touchy” (I Cor. 13:5). It would be wise to evaluate your anger index when handling problems with your child.
Summary: Without question, love is the most important factor that goes into raising well-adjusted children and godly children. Almost all knowledgeable authorities agree that the most potent cause for antisocial behavior, rebelliousness, disobedience, and discipline problems is a lack of parental love. Kids who know they are loved, who have no fear of being rejected or abandoned, do not need to act-out their anger, get revenge, get attention, or establish their importance and self-worth. They are important to someone and they know it. They have been accepted, and that brings an inner satisfaction and security. The love they feel from their parents inspires love in their hearts. It encourages them to obey and want to please. When a Dad does those things that say “I love you” for the mother of his children, they feel a great sense of security and contentment. He creates an emotionally stable and safe home environment in which his children can thrive.
King Solomon revealed that it is the father who is primarily responsible to correct and reprove his children: “The Lord corrects those He loves, as a father corrects a son of whom he is proud” (Prov. 3:12). Furthermore, the Apostle Paul addresses fathers concerning the matter of discipline: “And fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
Sidenote: Fathers are more prone to be harsh and hostile when disciplining which angers and exasperates children. A fatherly rule by force and fear breeds the same character and conduct problems as a weak or absent father figure. It will produce an angry rebel that lashes out against authority or an insecure, passive child who feels unworthy and rejected. Good discipline begins with self-discipline, Dads, and not with a loud mouth and a lot of muscle.
Practical implications—Dad should handle the discipline when he is home. When he walks through the door the mother should know that her shift is over concerning discipline. He, at that point, is to protect her from the pressures and problems that she has grappled with alone through the day. Since she has represented his authority while he has been out of the home, he must support and uphold her before the children. If his job requires that he spend many hours away from home, he must take the time to talk to her about what has happened and offer Spirit-directed advice.
Summary: Dad is ultimately responsible for the entire process of child-training. He is accountable even for what the mother says and does to the children. He answers to God for everything that happens in the home. As God’s authority figure he must know what is going on and be in control.
This does not mean a pal or a buddy. Some fathers have made fools out of themselves, not to mention embarrass their children, by “palling” around with their kids and trying to do everything they do.
Definition: ‘Companion’—comrade, confidant, friend. God wants fathers to be of one heart, one mind, and one soul with their children. This requires time spent together with open, honest communication. Boys and girls need time alone with Dad. It may be in the form of a lunch or dinner out together, a picnic, a hike, a fishing trip, a tennis match, or any other fun experience that will provide opportunities to talk and get to know each other. An ideal occasion for communication and companionship with younger children is at bedtime. Dad needs to put the newspaper down or turn the TV off and put the kids to bed periodically. Mom can help in this process in a couple of ways: First, by not demanding so many material things that Dad must work excessively. Secondly, she can help by not begrudging Dad’s time alone with the children.
Sidenote: A boy particularly needs to know his Dad. Dad represents the man that he will become; the husband he will be to his wife; the father he will be to his children; the provider he will be to his family; the leader he will be in his church; and the witness he will be to the world. He needs an example to follow, a model to identify with, a Dad he can be proud of. Sons tend to repeat the pattern set by their fathers. Dad, give your sons agood standard to follow. Daughters, too, need to know their Dads. A girl learns from her Dad what men are like. He represents the husband she will one day give herself to; the father of her children; and the authority figure she will submit to. A girl will often (subconsciously) seek a husband like her father. Dads, become the man that you want your daughter to marry. It will help her successfully adjust to the husband God gives to her. If you deprive her of your companionship, the resentment she feels will be transferred to her other men and even her husband.
Without divine help no mortal man can be the kind of father that God requires. Only as he seeks to be a man of God will he have the strength and power to fulfill his role. A father’s authority to manage his home comes from God, but he cannot properly exercise that authority unless he subjects himself to the authority of God. The apostle Paul explained this principle to the Corinthian church in I Corinthians 11:3: “…just as man is the head of the woman, so Christ is the head of the man.” Some men are not fit to manage their homes because they are not in submission to the Word and will of Jesus Christ. God’s power is restricted in his life and he, therefore, is unable to carry out his role. He must spend time in God’s Word; spend time in His presence through prayer; and seek to be obedient through His Spirit.
Conclusion: A Dad’s role is crucial for the development of godly character and conduct in his children. A failure to faithfully fulfill that role will result in a multitude of problems and difficulties that can last a lifetime.
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