How to Help Your Adult Child Without Enabling

Am I enabling my adult child’s addiction?

As parents, we seek to protect our children, even when they are adults. But in some cases, “helping” may actually be harming. By protecting your adult child from the consequences of their addiction, you may also be enabling them to continue using drugs and alcohol, as they never have to fully face the negative results of their substance use disorder. Essentially, by cleaning up their mess, you are lightening their motivation to seek help. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you ignore or excuse unacceptable behavior?
• Is “helping” your child preventing them from feeling the consequences of their actions?
• Do you give your adult child money for food, rent money, or free room and board?
• Do you avoid expressing your feelings or creating boundaries with your adult child for fear of conflict?
• Have you offered your child a place to stay when they are using it because you believe it is “safer” for them?
• Have you lied or covered for them because they couldn’t meet work, school or other responsibilities?
• Have you bailed your child out of jail or paid for other legal expenses related to his or her addiction?
• Do you care for your adult child when they are sick as a result of a hangover or drug use?

If you have answered yes to some or all of these questions, you are likely enabling your child’s addiction. Taking care of your loved one might seem like an act of kindness. However, it is actually detrimental to their wellbeing in the long run, as you are removing the negative consequences of their behaviors. Thus, you are unintentionally reinforcing your adult child’s drug use.

Breaking enabling behavior can be especially difficult for a mother or father, as it can be quite hard to see your child in pain. Nonetheless, by continuing to “support” your adult child, you are both reinforcing negative conduct and inhibiting his or her independence. This may be especially true if, as a parent, your relationship with your son or daughter is one of a codependent nature.

What is codependency? 

Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore. In other words, by sacrificing and ignoring your own needs and well being to support your addicted adult child, you might be unintentionally fueling his or her addiction. In many codependent relationships, one person’s identity is built around helping others even at the cost of addressing their own desires and feelings. A codependent individual may rely on others to validate their self-worth and feel gratified by playing the caregiver role. The following are 7 characteristics of a codependent relationships:

• Issues with boundaries in the relationship. You may feel responsible for your child’s wellbeing and happiness, negate your true thoughts or feelings to avoid upsetting your son or daughter, or have difficulty saying no.
• A lack of self-esteem. Low self-esteem may mean feelings of worthlessness, a lack of feeling important, or relying on others to feel valued. Being needed may provide you with a sense of internal gratification, whether your child expresses gratitude or not.
• A need to “save” your child. As a mother or father, you may feel like it is your duty or purpose to protect your child from harm, even fixing problems for them. This prevents your son or daughter from building the confidence or capacity to solve his or her own issues.
• Prioritizing others well-being over your own. You might be inadvertently engaging in self-denial by ignoring your own physical, emotional, or financial needs and also feeling guilty when you do try to assert your own needs.
• Control issues. These issues may manifest as over involvement in another’s life and linking your own self-worth with your child’s successes and failures.
• Perfectionism. This may appear as taking on more than you can handle and feeling insecure when you can’t meet responsibilities or when you receive criticism.

This dynamic may have been going on for several years, however it is not a healthy one. It results in a lopsided relationship where one individual is constantly prioritized and the other’s needs are not met. Codependency can allow addiction to flourish. Moreover, it may be negatively affecting other relationships and hurting other family members emotionally and financially. Nonetheless, there are steps you can take to stop enabling your child’s addiction and change your codependent relationship into a healthier one, thus supporting your son or daughter on their road to recovery, even if it means they must first suffer the consequences of addiction.

How can I help my addicted adult child?

If you believe your adult son or daughter has a problem with addiction and are concerned that you might be enabling his or her alcohol or drug problem, here are 6 steps you can take now:

1. Open up the lines of communication. As a parent, it can be hard communicating with your son or daughter about their addiction. You may have tried in the past and been unsuccessful. You may even feel as if you are constantly pestering or nagging them to change. Try a different approach through a sit-down conversation. Before approaching your child, take some time to think about what you would like to communicate. While you shouldn’t expect to convince your child to admit his or her drug problem and seek help immediately, you can open up a dialogue for future conversations. Find an appropriate time when you can both sit down and talk without interruptions. Start by telling your adult son or adult daughter that you care about them deeply and understand that addiction is a disease, not a moral failure. Communicate what you have seen and how their addiction is affecting you in a non-accusatory manner. Be specific. Let them know that you are concerned about them, but avoid being judgmental or lecturing. Ask your child questions and give them space to respond honestly. Listen and avoid condemning their responses or cutting them off. Remind your child that they are loved and you are here to offer them help for their addiction when they are ready.
2. Set boundaries and follow through. If you want to change the dynamic of your relationship between you and your addicted son or addicted daughter, it will require setting clear boundaries around yourself, your finances and your home. Take a hard look at your current relationship. Consider the ways that you may be enabling your child’s addiction and reinforcing codependency. Are you giving them money, shelter, or resolving other problems for them? Let your son or daughter know that you will no longer be continuing to do so. Create a list of personal boundaries, rules around your home, your finances and yourself, as well as consequences for breaking these rules. During your conversation with your child, make sure you clearly and kindly communicate these boundaries and the consequences for not respecting them. Let them know that these rules are coming from a place of love and out of concern for their safety and your own. You may have previously tried to enforce boundaries and failed. This may have been because you were unable to follow through, as addicts can be especially convincing and manipulative when they are in need. Your child may become angry with you when you explain the new boundaries. Fight the urge to give in and remember these rules are for your and their own good. Once the rules and boundaries are put in place, if broken, they should be enforced otherwise they are meaningless.
3. Present treatment options. When you sit down and speak to your addicted son or daughter, let them know that help is available. Do some research and provide them with real options for drug and alcohol addiction treatment centers, rather than speaking in general terms. Although they may not be prepared to listen or take in what you are saying, it is good to have something concrete available or, at the least, to let them know there are real options out there for when they are ready. You might consider contacting a treatment center, to find out more about the programs they offer.
4. Acknowledge that your child is an adult. As the mother or father of an addict, it is important to recognize that your son or daughter is an adult and to encourage their independence. By continuing to rescue your child every time they are in crisis, you are also subconsciously letting them know that you don’t believe they are capable or competent enough to make it on their own. Let them solve their own financial and emotional problems. You can listen, but avoid jumping in and solving these issues for them. If your child is currently living at home or you are paying for their expenses, now is the time to encourage them to assert their independence in a collaborative, caring and supportive way. For instance, come up with a gradual plan where they can start paying a portion of housing costs until they can fully become independent. Agree on a time limit and follow through. Do not continue providing money that can be spent on drugs. But also, don’t forget to call out progress and provide positive reinforcement when they do make changes or meet new goals.
5. Inform yourself and seek support. Addiction is a complicated disease, and you are not responsible for your son or daughter’s substance use disorder. However, there are some proactive steps you can take to learn more about the disease and how to cope with its impacts. Start by educating yourself about addiction. There are several reports available that offer detail on how and why addiction occurs and the recovery process. Look for support groups for family members of individuals struggling with addiction, such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. Having an outlet such as a peer support group can allow you the space to share your experience while learning from others going through similar experiences.
6. Take care of yourself. There is no better time than now to prioritize your well being. Being the mother or father of an addict can be physically and mentally draining. Substance use disorders don’t just hurt the addict or alcoholic, they also damage the lives of those around them. Try and be aware of your feelings and emotions and know when you have to disengage and take a step back. Self-care is not selfishness. It is necessary and important. Remember, you cannot save your child from themselves or repair their lives. Seeking treatment and achieving sobriety is something that they have to want and do for themselves.

Seeking treatment

Once your adult child is ready to start on the road to recovery, there are several ways you can support them during the process. First and foremost, it is important to find the right program for your son or daughter’s needs. There are many rehab centers offering a variety of services, so take some time to research the facility, the type of programming available and whether it is an inpatient or outpatient facility.

Look for an accredited facility that offers evidence-based programming aligned with your child’s specific circumstances. For instance, do you believe your child might have other co-morbid mental health issues such as depression or anxiety? Seek a program that has the capacity to address mental health disorders as well as addiction.

Inpatient vs. outpatient treatment

Many wonder what the difference is between inpatient and outpatient drug and alcohol addiction treatment programs and which is best for their loved one.

Inpatient treatment programs are quite intensive, requiring clients to live onsite and providing 24/7 supervision by licensed therapists and trained professionals. Such programs may be necessary in cases where the individual cannot be left alone, requires more intensive care, and/or has other severe psychological disorders in addition to addiction. While inpatient programs can be quite costly, some situations require a higher level of care and supervision.

Outpatient programs, on the other hand, do not include a residential component. Programs may meet for 2-3 hours a day between 2 to 5 days a week. Outpatient programs allow clients to more easily meet their work and family obligations, which may be beneficial depending on the individual’s circumstance. However, they do not isolate the addict from triggers that might be present in their regular life, which may be necessary depending on their level of addiction. Outpatient programs tend to be less expensive than inpatient programs.

There is a third type of treatment program available, which provides more comprehensive care than outpatient programs at a cost-effective price. An intensive outpatient program may be appropriate for those who need more supervision and care than that offered by a regular outpatient program, but are still able to live at home some of the time.

Conclusion

As a parent, the love for your adult child may prompt you to rescue them from their addiction. What may seem natural and even right could actually be hurting rather than helping.  By protecting them from the consequences of their addiction only enables them to continue using drugs and alcohol. And it also diminishes their motivation to seek self-help. If you find that you have become an enabler it is not too late to chart a new course with your adult child. If you find that the changes you need to make are overwhelming consider attending a support group that will provide the guidance and reinforcement you will need.

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