Categories: Family

How to Motivate Your Child

Laying a good foundation during your child’s formative years is critically important in determining who and what they will become as an adult.

Key Thought: A biblical parent must consistently attempt to motivate their child toward godly behavior by supplying one or a combination of three basic motives: 1) the genuine love or compassion for another, 2) the desire for gain, or 3) the fear of pain or loss.

Definitions: ‘Motive’—the sense of need or desire

‘Motivate’—to prompt another to action by supplying a motive.

‘Motivation’—the act or process of being motivated.

NO MOTIVE, NO ACTION.

A PARENT MOTIVATES BY SUPPLYING A MOTIVE

Offer a reward or incentive stimulates a desire for gain.
Warn of a punishment or consequences stimulates a fear of loss or pain.
Arouse sense of empathy stimulates love or compassion for another.

A. Offering a Reward or Incentive

The concept of rewards (incentives) is not only a part of the structure of daily life but it is also biblical: The man who perseveres in mowing his grass has the satisfaction (reward) of viewing a neatly trimmed lawn; the child who does his homework has the reward of his teacher’s approval and good grades; the employee that works hard at his assigned task receives a paycheck and sometimes a promotion, etc.

Hebrews 11: 6 states that “God is a rewarder (lit. a reward-giver—‘misthapodotes’) of those who diligently seek Him”. (Cf. such passages as: Rom. 14:12; I Cor. 3:14; 9:16-27; II Cor. 5:10; Phil. 4:1; I Thess. 2:14; II Tim. 4:8; James 1:12; I Pet. 5:4; Rev. 2:10; 3:11).

Note: A parent should not hesitate to use rewards as a motivational method with their child. Some Christian parents, unfortunately, think of rewards or incentives as bribery. Bribery is paying-off a child for what he ought to do (i.e. clean room, brush teeth, bathe, homework, etc.). Rewards are given for genuine achievement.

Guidelines for Rewards or Incentives:

Can be tangible or intangible. Sometimes an intangible reward (i.e. praise, smile, hug, etc.) can be far more powerful than money, privileges, freedom, etc.

Should be given soon after the achievement is accomplished. This is especially true for young children. A reward loses its’ power to motivate if a parent delays in giving it. Although older children have a greater capacity to handle the postponement of a reward, this should not be a consistent practice of the parent.
Need to be personally relevant and meaningful to the child. A reward will have no power to motivate unless it is something for which the child has a desire or need.

Methods for Rewarding and Giving Incentives:

The Power of Praise. As parents, we can motivate our children through praise. Give it liberally and often. Instead of focusing on the one or two things they have done wrong, zero in on the ten things they have done right.
Communicate Your Belief in Their Capability. Parents often talk their children out of achieving things that are possible; that they could accomplish—“Well, I wouldn’t try that” or “You could never be like that.” Given the right opportunity and encouragement, your child can accomplish incredible things. We must communicate the idea that if they want to give something a try, they should do it.
Expect Your Child to Do Things Right. Children can often sense whether or not you expect the best from them. If they sense that they can get away with less than their best, they often will do just that. If they sense that you expect that they cannot do any better, they may drop to your level of expectation. Most children will become highly motivated when great things are expected from them.
Help Your Child Visualize Positive Results. Prior to an upcoming game a coach will often play a video of a previous victory to help his players visualize success on the playing field. He wants them to see the fans wildly cheering when a touchdown is made. This same method can be creatively used by a parent to motivate their child. Example: “Mike, I can see it now. As the pitcher fires the ball down the lane your eye is locked in on it. You swing and you hear the crack. You caught the ball right on the sweet spot. You look up and it is sailing high in the air over the right fielder’s head. The crowd jumps up goes crazy as you run the bases. You’re on top of the world.”
Help Your Child Develop a More Positive Self-Image. The lower a child’s sense of self-worth, the less they will accomplish physically and mentally. It will affect them in every aspect of their life. It is absolutely essential that your child be involved in at least one activity where they can be successful. Let him know that you believe in him and that he is capable of achieving the task. The more successful they become in various activities, the more their sense of self-worth is raised.
Expose Your Child to People You Admire. Arrange for your child to rub shoulders with outstanding people so that some of the qualities that have made them successful will rub off on them. For example, consider inviting your pastor, a visiting missionary/professor, leader in the community, etc. to dinner. During or after dinner ask them to share some of their experiences so that your child might be stimulated and inspired.
Be Enthusiastic About Your Child’s Endeavors. Being around an enthusiastic person is like being someone who is laughing. It’s contagious! Even when you don’t know what someone is laughing about, you start grinning, then chuckling, and before long, you’re laughing too. As a parent, if your child knows that you are excited about what they’re doing, it will excite them.

B. Warning of Punishment or Consequences

Logical consequences and corporal punishment (Prov. 13;24; 22:15; 23:13, 14; 29:15), although negative in nature, can be powerfully motivating to a child.

Supporting Your Limits (Rules) with Consequences

Note: All children will test parental limits even when they have been given clear and firm messages about those rules. When they do, the time for talking is over. If you have been permissive (i.e. set soft limits) in you parenting approach, consequences will help you regain credibility and authority with your child.

Consequences are important.

They stop misbehavior; act as walls
They provide clear answers as to what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior
They teach responsibility by holding your child accountable for their choices
They teach your child to tune back in and take your words seriously

What Makes a Consequence Effective or Ineffective? It depends largely on how they are applied.

Application Principles:

Immediacy Consequences are most effective when they are applied immediately after the unacceptable behavior. (Develops a cause-effect connection)

“Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.” (Ecclesiastes 8:11)

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” (Prov.13:24)

Consistency Consequences are most effective when they are applied consistently from one situation to the next. (A parent’s message must be supported by his actions. Inconsistency invites limit-testing.)

Relatedness Consequences are most effective when they are logically related to the unacceptable behavior.

“If a man steals an ox or a sheep and slaughters or sells it, he shall restore five oxen for an ox and four sheep for a sheep.” (Exodus 22:1)

Time-Limited Consequences are most effective when they have a beginning and an end that are clear and well-defined. (Unclear and open-ended consequences invite limit testing).

Clean Slate Consequences are most effective when a child is given a fresh opportunity to show that he can make acceptable choices

“This punishment which was inflicted by the majority is sufficient for such a man, so that, on the contrary, you ought to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow.” (2 Cor. 2:6-7)

Types of Consequences (The selection of a particular type of consequence should be carefully determined by the a) nature of the misbehavior, b) the age and emotional maturity of the child, and c) his/her temperament.)

Rebuke a verbal reprimand intended to address and correct misbehavior

“The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Prov. 29:15

“For I have told him (Eli) that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not rebuke them.” I Sam. 3:13

“As many as I love I rebuke and chasten. Therefore, be zealous and repent.” Rev. 3:19

Removal of freedom or privilege the loss or restriction of personal choice as a consequence for misbehavior

“You fool! Samuel exclaimed. You (King Saul) have disobeyed the commandment of the Lord your God. He was planning to make you and your descendants kings of Israel forever, but now your dynasty must end; for the Lord wants a man that will obey Him.” I Samuel 13: 13-14

Natural Consequences follow naturally from an event or situation involving misbehavior

“…a man will always reap just the kind of crop he sows.” Gal. 6:7

Logical Consequences are arranged by the parent that are logically related to the situation or the misbehavior

C. Arousing a sense of empathy

Human beings are God’s only creature that will act out of a sense of love or compassion. They will respond to another person in a caring and sacrificial way even when there is no personal benefit. Consider the following examples: A father giving up his food so that his child may eat; a mother staying up throughout the night with a sick baby; an older brother defending his younger sibling from a neighborhood bully, etc. By arousing a sense of empathy, a parent can motivate their child to act in a compassionate manner toward another.

Methods For Arousing Empathy

Emotional Word Pictures. To arouse a sense of empathy in your child, a parent must help him clearly understand how the offended person must feel as a result of his misbehavior. This can be accomplished through an emotional word picture. A parent can either create (imaginary, but common to their experience) or recall (real) an experience that illustrates how the offended person feels. (For an example, refer to II Samuel 12—Nathan, the prophet’s story told to David).
“How Would You Feel?” Method. Empathy can often be aroused in a child by getting him to psychologically “swap places” with the offended person. Ask him, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” Have the child visualize himself in a similar situation and then describe how it would affect him personally.

Conclusion: A biblical parent can successfully motivate his child to behave in a godly manner by learning to consistently supply him or her with an appropriate motive.

Bill