What is self-control? Self-control is the ability to stop and think before acting. Self-control leads to good choices, which are the building blocks of self-esteem.

NOTE: The determining factor of success is self-control, not self-esteem.

Why is self-control important?

  1. Self-control gives your child a much better chance of making a good choice in a given situation (e.g., deciding not to argue about a video game or hit his sister).
  2. Self-control is the ability to remain goal-directed in the face of temptation to stray off course (e.g., choosing to stick with homework when the temptation of social media is a click away).

Social benefits of self-control:

  1. Earn better grades
  2. More popular with peers and teachers
  3. Less likely to report problems with substance use/abuse
  4. Earn higher salaries as adults

The Bible and self-control

The book of Proverbs extols self-control by encouraging us to seek wisdom and understanding, to be intentional in our behavior and to control our words.

“Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth.” (Proverbs 10:4, NIV)

“If you find honey, eat just enough — too much of it, and you will vomit.” (Proverbs 25:16, NIV)

 “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” (Proverbs 29:11, NIV)

Five keys to nurturing self-control:

  1. Foster good habits. What do good habits have in common? First, we don’t always feel like doing them. Second, if maintained, they tend to bring positive results. It is the first characteristic that helps build self-control. Every time your kids engage in a good habit (e.g., brushing their teeth, putting toys away or completing their homework, especially when they don’t really feel like doing it), they develop their self-control “muscle.”
  2. Encourage responsibility. In an age-appropriate way, allow your kids to be responsible for their own behavior. If your child loses an item that you have repeatedly asked him to put away, do not rush out and buy a new one. For younger children, establish a morning and bedtime routine (post it in their bedroom and bathroom) and help them learn to complete it on their own. For older kids, assign reasonable household chores and make it their responsibility to remember to do them.
  3. Enforce limits. Kids learn self-control by experiencing negative consequences for violating established limits. For example, if your child or teen responds to you in a disrespectful manner, he immediately needs to be given a timeout or appropriate loss of privilege/freedom. This will help your child or teen learn that exercising self-control is the better choice.
  4. Hit the pause button. Self-control can be seen in the ability to stop and think before acting. STOP: This means stop talking and pause all action for a moment. It can be helpful to instruct your child or teen to simply take a deep breath (You can’t talk while taking a deep breath) THINK: Once your child has paused, he gives himself a chance to think: What’s the best way to handle this? What would God want me to do? This increases the likelihood of making a good choice. ACT: Once a choice is made, instruct your child or teen to take action and be willing to assume responsibility for it.
  5. Encourage delayed gratification. This is the ability to expend effort on a task with no immediate reward. Eating a candy bar, for example, is immediately gratifying. Eating vegetables is often less immediately gratifying (at least from a child’s viewpoint), but the payoff is the long-term reward of good health. Be on the lookout for ways your kids can engage in tasks that require delayed gratification, such as saving money, practicing a musical instrument, exercising, studying for tests or (for younger kids) completing puzzles. One final note: When you see your kids working hard on tasks that require delayed gratification, make sure to tell them you are proud of their effort.

 

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