It’s a painful reality that many Christian marriages face – one spouse, often the wife, declares “I’m not in love with him anymore.” This statement strikes at the heart of the marriage covenant and can leave the husband feeling devastated, confused and unsure of how to respond. The truth is, romantic love ebbs and flows in every marriage. Feelings of “being in love” are wonderful, but they are not what sustains a marriage for the long haul. As Gary Thomas writes, “Staying married is not first about staying in love. It’s about covenant keeping. “The modern notion that we should divorce whenever we fall out of love is unbiblical and has led to much heartbreak and family breakdown. In the Bible, love is described as a choice, an action, and a commitment – not just a feeling. Husbands are commanded to love their wives sacrificially, just as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Wives are called to respect and submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-24). Neither command is contingent on feelings. Love is a decision we make, even when we don’t feel like it.

Choosing to Love

So what should a Christian wife do when she finds herself in this difficult situation? The answer is not to give up and abandon the marriage. Instead, she must make the choice to love her husband, even when she doesn’t feel like it. This means:

  1. Committing to the marriage covenant before God, no matter what. Divorce is not an option, except in cases of adultery or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse (Matthew 19:9, 1 Corinthians 7:15).
  2. Praying for her husband and her marriage daily. Lifting her spouse in prayer is a powerful way to love him and invite God’s work in the relationship.
  3. Focusing on her own spiritual growth and relationship with Christ. As she grows closer to God, He will give her the strength and wisdom to love her husband well.
  4. Choosing to act in loving, respectful ways toward her husband, even when she doesn’t feel like it. This could look like speaking kindly, serving him, being physically affectionate, or trying to spend quality time together.
  5. Seeking help from a biblical counselor or trusted mentor couple, if needed. An outside perspective can often spot areas for growth and provide tools for improving communication and intimacy.
  6. Believing that with God’s help, her feelings can change and love can be rekindled. Love is a choice, and as she chooses to love, her feelings will often follow.

Trusting God’s Timing

Rebuilding love and intimacy in a marriage takes time, patience and perseverance. A wife must trust that God is at work, even when she can’t see it. As she chooses to love her husband daily, she is honoring God and allowing Him to work in her heart and in her marriage. The truth is, every marriage goes through seasons. There will be times of great joy and passion, and times of difficulty and dryness. The couples who make it are the ones who weather the storms together, clinging to their commitment and to God. As Judy Bodmer, author of When Love Dies, shares: “The love I thought had died didn’t return in a week, a month, or even in a year. There were times I wanted to give up. But I clung to God’s promise that he would give me the desire of my heart. One weekend Larry and I went away. Before we left, we prayed and drew a line in the sand. Everything that had happened before was over; this was a new beginning. That weekend I experienced a new passion for my husband.”

Embracing God’s Design

Ultimately, a wife must embrace God’s design for marriage, which is a lifelong, covenant commitment between a man and a woman. Marriage is not primarily about happiness or romantic feelings, though those are wonderful when present. Rather, marriage is about reflecting Christ’s love for the church, refining each spouse’s character, and creating a stable environment for raising children. As Lisa Murray writes, “If happiness is your primary expectation of marriage, you will most likely find yourself disillusioned and disappointed.” Instead, we must understand that God’s purpose is to make us holy, not just happy. Marriage is a vocation, a calling to love and serve our spouse as unto the Lord. When a wife chooses to love her husband in this way, it is a powerful witness to the world of God’s love and faithfulness. It reflects the way Christ loves the church – unconditionally, sacrificially, and steadfastly. And it opens the door for God to work in mighty ways to restore and redeem the marriage.

Finding Hope

If you are a Christian wife who has lost that loving feeling, take heart. You are not alone, and there is hope. Millions of couples have gone through seasons of disconnection and disillusionment, only to emerge with a love stronger than ever before. The key is to cling to your commitment, trust God’s timing, and choose to love your husband daily. Pray for him, serve him, speak kindly to him. Seek help if needed, but never give up. As you do, God will honor your faithfulness and work in your heart and in your marriage. Remember, love is a choice, not just a feeling. As you choose to love your husband, even when you don’t feel like it, you are honoring God and allowing Him to write a beautiful love story in your marriage. The feelings may come and go, but your commitment to love can be steadfast. And in the end, that is what matters most.