“I’m Sorry” is Not Enough

Have you ever said, “Look, I said I’m sorry; can we just drop it?” OR “All right, fine. I’m sorry. Do you feel better now?”

Where did we get the idea that two simple words have the power to absolve all offenses and heal all wounds? When did we come to believe that we are allowed to let our tongues flap loosely, make selfish decisions, and then simply shut the lid on the whole ordeal with these two little words? The world may operate this way, but make no mistake—there is no magic in them. More often than not saying, “I’m sorry” does not absolve, heal, lead to reconciliation or restored relationships.

1. Conflict is an opportunity. Conflict is inevitable and when mishandled can be very destructive to relationships. The Bible, however, emphasizes that even when conflict is caused by wrongdoing, it can still result in good. We can use conflict to:

• Glorify God (by trusting, obeying, and imitating him)
• Grow to be like Christ (by confessing wrong and turning from attitudes that promote conflict)

2. Conflict is a slippery slope. Some try to escape from a conflict while others go on the attack. Few naturally try to work it out.

Escape Responses: These responses are used to get away from a conflict instead of trying to resolve it. They delay healing.

• Denial—Pretending that a conflict does not exist; that we did anything wrong
• Blame Game—Blaming others for the problem
• Run Away— Refusing to do what we can to work it out with the other person

Attack Responses: These are wrong attempts to win a fight rather than resolve it. They damage a relationship further rather than repairing it.

• Put Downs—Attacking others with harsh and cruel words; stirring up anger in others
• Gossip—Talking about others behind their backs
• Fight—Using physical force to get our way

Work-It-Out Responses: These are the only good ways to respond to a conflict.

• Overlook an Offense—Dealing with an offense yourself by simply deciding to forgive a wrong
• Talk-It-Out—Going directly to the other person to talk out your disagreements
• Get Help—Asking a mature Christian you trust to help you decide how to handle the conflict.

4. Conflict starts in the heart. The choices we make to get our own way are deliberate. We decide whether to be obedient or disobedient, wise or foolish, caring or unloving.
5. Choices have consequences. For good or bad, the choices we make will affect others and us. Conflict is often the consequence of a choice we have made.
6. Wise-way choices are better than my-way choices. Selfishness is not smart and will not lead to happiness. The wise way is to obey authority, make right choices, seek godly advice, and respect others.

The “Five A’s” can resolve conflict. These simple steps will almost always lead to peace.

• Admit your wrong. Include both wrong desires and bad choices.
• Apologize for how your choice affected the other person. Express the sorrow you feel.
• Accept the consequences for your wrongdoing without argument or excuses.
• Ask for forgiveness.
• Alter your choice in the future. Think over and plan how you are going to act differently next time.

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. By forgiving someone, we are making four promises:

1. I promise I will not dwell on what you did wrong. I will think good thoughts about you and do good for you.
2. I promise I will not bring up this situation and use it against you.
3. I promise I will not talk to others about what you did.
4. I promise I will be friends with you again.

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