How would you describe your current marriage relationship? Are things good or maybe a little shaky? Do you see any danger signs that trouble you? If you’re not sure, why not take the time to review some of the danger signs? Scripture tells us “a prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.” (Proverbs 22:3). Be wise and identify those issues that may reveal a potential problem in your relationship. Don’t live like everything is fine when it’s not. God wants you to heed the warning signs that could lead to more serious problems down the road.
What are the Warning Signs?
Many couples that drift apart know something is missing in their relationship, but are unsure why things have grown cold and superficial. Tragically, some have no idea that anything is wrong until it’s too late. They are shocked to hear their spouse announce that they are in love with someone else and want to end the relationship.
Cultivating a deep friendship with your mate is essential for a good marriage. It is the basis for an intimate relationship. In the passionate account of marital love recorded in the Song of Solomon, notice how Solomon’s wife described her relationship with her husband: “His mouth is most sweet, yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend” (Song of Solomon 5:16). The word friend in this passage means intimate friend or companion. Can you say this about your mate? Is your spouse your intimate friend and companion? Are you enjoying the sweetness of companionship with your partner? If your marriage has lost this depth of intimacy, what should you do to rekindle your friendship?
Consider these steps: a) Acknowledge to your spouse the emotional distance that you are sensing and ask them to forgive you for allowing it to occur; b) Start praying together that God will rekindle your love for one another; c) Go back to the behaviors that originally established your friendship: spending time together, engaging in meaningful conversation, becoming sensitive to one another’s needs and requests.
The absence of a spiritual relationship between a husband and wife is a key warning signal due to its pervasive and damaging effects on all other areas of the marriage. Scripture, thankfully, teaches that all believers have the privilege of enjoying “fellowship of the Spirit” with one another (Philippians 2:1). Intimacy and close communion characterize a relationship that is enriched with fellowship. This, in fact, is the biblical meaning of the word fellowship. When it is missing in a marriage there is isolation and emotional distance.
The greatest hindrance to experiencing fellowship in the Spirit with your mate is due to a failure of one or both partners to have personal fellowship with Christ on a daily basis. Without intimacy with Him, there will be a lack of empowering strength from the Holy Spirit to live a life of love and sacrifice with one another. If your relationship has become spiritually bankrupt, the solution is to humble your heart before God and ask for his forgiveness. Ask Him for His help in becoming a committed disciple. This will involve a number of practical steps: a) Begin to personally study God’s Word and attend a Bible-teaching church on a regular basis; b) As you study the Scriptures daily, share what you are learning with your spouse; c) Start praying with your mate about your personal and marital needs; d) As a couple, look for opportunities to serve others together. If you will take the time to implement these new behaviors as a couple, you will soon discover that you are growing spiritually.
Unresolved conflicts are a major hindrance to establishing oneness in your marriage. Walls are built that create emotional distance and block real companionship. Eventually a couple begins to feel like strangers in their own home.
Why are conflicts allowed to remain unresolved in a marriage? Scripture reveals the primary reasons involve selfishness, pride, and stubborn self-will. When these attitudes rule in your heart, you will be kept from taking biblical action to resolve conflict in a timely and constructive manner (Proverbs 28:25, James 3:16). What can you do to interrupt this tendency? First, humble yourself before God and ask that He give you a willing heart to obey His commands in reference to each unresolved conflict in your marriage (1 Peter 5: 5-7). Secondly, go to your mate as soon as possible and lovingly begin a dialogue about each unresolved issue (Matthew 5:23-25). Keep in mind, the longer to wait to resolve a matter, the harder your heart will become. Begin by admitting your personal fault in the conflict. Ask his or her forgiveness and discuss exactly what you will do in the future to keep from failing in this way again (Ephesians 4:31-32). Pray together and ask God for His empowerment to do what you have agreed upon (James 5:16).
Don’t rob yourself or your relationship of the blessing of spiritual fellowship by holding onto pride and stubbornness. Get to work resolving those unsettled issues today.
A fundamental component of all successful marriages is the ability to communicate. The more superficial communication becomes between spouses, the greater the struggle will be in other areas of the relationship. For example, unless a couple communicates in a meaningful way, there will be serious difficulties in developing a friendship and resolving conflict when it erupts in the relationship. It puts the marriage in a dangerous position.
What hinders good communication? There are three roadblocks that you should consider: sinful attitudes, sinful words, and sinful actions. Let’s look at each one individually: a) Most spouses become quickly aware of their partner’s attitude within the first few exchanges of a conversation. If they detect an arrogant, hostile, or disrespectful attitude, the walls will go up immediately. Likewise, if they sense an indifferent attitude about the issue at hand, a barrier will be raised that will frustrate any meaningful conversation; b) The words you choose will dramatically affect your ability to communicate with your spouse. If you use harsh, critical, or condemning words to win the argument, you may triumph over your mate, but fail in the relationship (Proverbs 15:1). Words that are gentle, kind, and thoughtful, however, will build up your partner and nurture good communication; c) Communication may also become frustrated by the actions you take during the dialogue. Do you dominate the conversation, refuse to listen, or interrupt when your mate responds (Matthew 6:7; James 1:10-20)? Do you twist their words, bring up past failures, or shift the blame without assuming any responsibility for the problem? These are just a few of the sinful actions that will interfere with your ability to communicate effectively. The longer you communicate in this manner, the more superficial your communication will become and the deeper the descent into isolation and emotional distance your relationship will go.
Are you in competition with your mate for control? Do you fight over who will have the final word in a dispute? If this is true of your marriage, you are undermining the very purpose for which you are married—oneness. God has called you to live and work together as a unit. You are partners. Sadly, many couples act like they are not even on the same team. Power struggles are a serious issue because they reveal that you are not unified. The battle for control demonstrates that you are working for yourself and not for the unity and harmony of the relationship. How can you solve this dilemma?
First, you both must be willing to acknowledge that engaging in power struggles with one another is sinful and must stop. You are violating your call to oneness (Genesis 2:24). Secondly, you must choose to submit yourselves to one another in the fear of God (Ephesians 5:21). Mutual submission is what unifies and makes you one. It begins as an attitude in the heart, which is converted into loving behavior. For example, a husband demonstrates submission when he actively listens to his wife to discover what her basic needs are so that he can consistently meet them. The apostle Peter describes this method of becoming one: “Husbands, likewise dwell with them (wives) with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” (I Peter 3:7). Clearly, Peter is encouraging husbands to be sensitive, compassionate, and understanding of their wives. When they are treated with dignity, honor, and respect, oneness of heart and mind are birthed in the relationship. Power struggles cease and it becomes increasingly easier to find agreement in your decision-making. There is a mutual desire to compromise and to look for mutually agreeable solutions to the problems that arise. As you seek creative ways to please your loved one rather than seeking to please yourself, you will short-circuit power struggles.
It’s hard to be romantic with one another when you aren’t behaving as friends who enjoy spending time together. Intimacy can’t be achieved unless there is effective communication and conflict resolution. This depth of intimacy requires a spiritual relationship between two people who are not continually battling over who is in charge.
A good illustration of the importance and power of romance and intimacy in a marital relationship is the spark plug in a car. Although it is a relatively small part in the overall makeup of the engine, it is a critical necessity for starting the car. Similarly, caressing, kissing, sexual intercourse are a relatively small part of your marriage, but they have profound influence in every other aspect of your relationship. Romantic attraction is what initially drew you to your spouse, and it continues to have a significant effect in holding it together. Solomon said this of his wife, “You have ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; you have ravished my heart with the look of your eyes, with one link of your necklace. How fair is your love, my sister, my spouse” (Song of Solomon 4:9-10)? The word ravished means to make the heart beat faster. Solomon was emotionally drawn to his wife because of her love for him. When this intimacy is lost in a marital relationship, there is real danger. It makes both spouses vulnerable to the seduction and attraction of someone else. Solomon makes this clear when he exhorts his son concerning the necessity of having romance and intimacy with his wife: “Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress” (Proverbs 5:18-20)? The word enraptured means to be intoxicated which obviously refers to the romantic attraction between Solomon’s son and his wife. When a husband continues to be intoxicated with his own wife, he protects himself from becoming intoxicated and drawn into an immoral relationship with someone else.
How can a couple develop intimacy and romance with one another? Here are four simple suggestions that will help jump-start your relationship in this area: a) Speak kindly to each other. You can’t be critical, harsh, sarcastic, and cutting with one another and expect to keep a sense of romance alive. Remember, “a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Giving each other the silent treatment will also put the fire of love out in your relationship. Avoid it. If you want a loving response, you must speak in a loving way; b) Set aside time to be alone with each other. Intimacy will never grow in a crowd. Listen to what Solomon has to say about the need to be alone with his wife: “Come my beloved, let us go forth to the field; let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine has budded, whether the grape blossoms are open, and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love” (Song of Solomon 7:11-12). Time alone with one another was the seedbed for the growth of their romantic relationship. You, too, can experience this kind of intimacy by simply making it a priority to spend time alone with your spouse; c) Non-sexual touching is also important in developing romance. Intimacy and romance is not just a matter of having sexual intercourse. Intimacy is a tender embrace, holding hands, putting you arm around one another as you sit on the couch, or a gentle kiss (Song of Solomon 2:6; 3:4; 1:2); d) Demonstrate affection for your spouse by initiating sexual relations. All too often, couples that have grown distant from one another have an infrequent sexual relationship. Sometimes one partner refuses sexual relations as a means of punishing or manipulating the other. This kind of behavior is sinful, dangerous, and counter-productive building intimacy. I Corinthians 7:3-5 makes it clear that couples are not to deprive each other. The apostle Paul gives three simple reasons: (1) The sexual relationship is the most intimate way two married individuals can express their affection for each other. By refusing sexual intimacy you are communicating that you have little affection for your spouse. In this atmosphere romance will die. Additionally, if you are forcing sexual relations upon your spouse, you are revealing a lack of love and respect for your mate. Choose to demonstrate love by initiating or restraining your desires. Above all, talk about this issue and come to a mutual agreement as the Scripture commands; (2) Paul teaches in this passage that the husband and the wife are to give up the rights to their own body. Your responsibility is to meet the sexual needs of your mate. If you love your spouse more than you love yourself, their needs will be your priority; (3) When you show affection to your spouse sexually, you help protect them from the temptation of Satan. Satan is “seeking whom he may devour” (I Peter 5:8). Don’t give him an opportunity to destroy your marriage.
Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
If you find that any of these danger signs are true of your marriage, don’t wait until it is too late to get help. Don’t allow frustration build up in your heart to the point that you become apathetic and quit trying. Seek reconciliation wherever you see danger signs. Get together with your spouse today and discuss how you can change your relationship for the better. Ask God for His grace to start the healing process in your marriage.
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