Categories: Family

Laying a Good Foundation in Your Child’s Life—Part 1

Key Thought: Laying a good foundation during your child’s formative years is critically important in determining who and what they will become as an adult.

Quick Review—The biblical parenting approach allows freedom within limits; the child is given control but on the parent’s terms. The amount of control given is determined by what the child is able to responsibly handle. Ideally, as a child matures and develops self-discipline, a biblical approach will allow a child more freedom to choose within broader limits (i.e. the ‘V’ of Love).

Supporting Your Limits (Rules) with Consequences

Note: All children will test parental limits even when they have been given clear and firm messages about those rules. When they do, the time for talking is over. If you have been permissive (i.e. set soft limits) in you parenting approach, consequences will help you regain credibility and authority with your child.

Consequences are important.

They stop misbehavior; act as walls
They provide clear answers as to what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior
They teach responsibility by holding your child accountable for their choices
They teach your child to tune back in and take your words seriously

What Makes a Consequence Effective or Ineffective? It depends largely on how they are applied

Application Principles:

Immediacy Consequences are most effective when they are applied immediately after the unacceptable behavior. (Develops a cause-effect connection)

“Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.” (Ecclesiastes 8:11)

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” (Prov.13:24)

Consistency Consequences are most effective when they are applied consistently from one situation to the next. (A parent’s message must be supported by his actions. Inconsistency invites limit-testing.)

Relatedness Consequences are most effective when they are logically related to the unacceptable behavior.

“If a man steals an ox or a sheep and slaughters or sells it, he shall restore five oxen for an ox and four sheep for a sheep.” (Exodus 22:1)

Time-Limited Consequences are most effective when they have a beginning and an end that are clear and well-defined. (Unclear and open-ended consequences invite limit testing).

Clean Slate Consequences are most effective when a child is given a fresh opportunity to show that he can make acceptable choices

“This punishment which was inflicted by the majority is sufficient for such a man, so that, on the contrary, you ought to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow.” (2 Cor. 2:6-7)

Types of Consequences (The selection of a particular type of consequence should be carefully determined by the a) nature of the misbehavior, b) the age and emotional maturity of the child, and c) his/her temperament.)

1. Rebuke a verbal reprimand intended to address and correct misbehavior.

“The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Prov. 29:15

“For I have told him (Eli) that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not rebuke them.” I Sam. 3:13

“As many as I love I rebuke and chasten. Therefore, be zealous and repent.” Rev. 3:19

2. Removal of freedom or privilege. The loss or restriction of personal choice as a consequence for misbehavior.

“You fool! Samuel exclaimed. You (King Saul) have disobeyed the commandment of the Lord your God. He was planning to make you and your descendants kings of Israel forever, but now your dynasty must end; for the Lord wants a man that will obey Him.” I Samuel 13: 13-14

3. Natural Consequences. Consequences that follow naturally from an event or situation involving misbehavior.

“…a man will always reap just the kind of crop he sows.” Gal. 6:7

4. Logical Consequences. Consequences that are arranged by the parent that are logically related to the situation or the misbehavior.

“Obey the government, for God is the one who has put it there. There is no government anywhere that God has not placed in power. So those who refuse to obey the laws are refusing to obey God, and punishment will follow.” Rom. 13:1-2

5. Spankings corporal punishment for misbehavior.

“He who spare the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” Prov. 12:24

“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod of correction will drive it far from him.” Prov. 22:15

“The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Prov. 29:15

Guidelines for Spankings

Spanking is used for defiance of authority. When a child breaks the rules to test or violate parental authority, spanking needs to be used quickly to show that defiance will not be tolerated.
Spanking should be done in private. Spanking in front of other people inflicts unnecessary shame on a child.
Spanking is for young children; other techniques should be used for older children. Spanking should become less and less necessary as children mature. Spanking becomes increasingly inappropriate as a child approaches adolescence.
Spanking should be brief and appropriate, not excessive. Beating a child to the point of causing bruises, bleeding, or broken bones is ungodly abuse.
Link spanking with genuine grief. The parent should be honest about his grief and disappointment so that the child understands that his actions have caused pain and sorrow to another person.
Demonstrate love and acceptance before, during and after the spanking. Hug the child after the spanking. Do not apologize for an appropriate spanking. Spanking is a parental duty and an act of love, not a sin.
Avoid breaking your child’s spirit. Spanking should be done appropriately for the purpose of breaking a child’s defiant will. If it is applied too frequently or too harshly a child will develop a rebellious or timid/broken spirit.

Conclusion: Clear and firm limits are effective only when consequences are appropriately applied by the parent(s).

Bill