Categories: Family

Laying a Good Foundation in Your Child’s Life—Part 4

Key Thought: Laying a good foundation during your child’s formative years is critically important indetermining who and what they become as adults.

Preparing for Change (What you can expect):

There is no quick fix. We want to see our children’s behavior improve as quickly as possible but we need to understand that these patterns did not originate Retraining takes time.
An initial increase in testing and resistance. This is a temporary and normal part of the learning and retraining Beliefs about how you are to act/react as a parent are usually well-established in the mind of your child.
A deliberate attempt to get you back on the dance floor. Your child may have gained a great deal of power andcontrol under the previous system of You can, therefore, expect purposeful attempts to draw you back into the old “dance.”
The length of the change process will depend on a number of factors. a) age of child, b) IQ, c) emotional maturity, d) amount of “history” you both need to overcome. Older children and teens will have more history to overcome which will require more time and exposure to your new

Three-Step Method of Discipline:

State clear and firm limits
Give limited choices
Consistently follow through with logical consequences

Scenario—Brad is not permitted to ride his skateboard without his safety helmet. Brad’s friends, however,don’t have to, and Brad doesn’t like being the only kid who has to wear a helmet. On one occasion, Brad and his friends are leaving the house to go skateboarding. Brad had his board under his arm, but he didnot have a helmet.

Dad: “Brad you know the rule about skateboarding”

Brad: “Come on, Dad! Do I have to?”

Dad: “You can ride with a helmet or not at all. What would you like to do?

Brad: “Ok,” says Brad. Reluctantly, he returns to the house for his helmet.

Note: If Brad had resisted his father’s instruction—“Sorry Brad. There’ll be no skateboarding today. Maybeyou’ll make a better choice tomorrow.

Setting Limits with Teens

Introduction:

The basics still apply, but you will need to adjust your approach to meet the needs of an older and more capableyoung person—an emerging adult.

Most teens want more freedom, independence, and responsibility. They want to be more involved in the decision-making processes that affect them. They want more control over their lives. They want to renegotiate and redefine the ground rules of early and middle childhood, which they feel they have
Parents are caught in a balancing act. How much freedom is my teen ready for? How much responsibility?How will I know?

Understanding your Teen:

There are significant physical and mental changes going on in your adolescent. The process can be very confusing for teens and parents. Two developmental forces in particular have a major impact on the way teens think and behave.

The change in intellectual ability—to think and reason abstractly like adults.
The desire for independence and separate identity (i.e. ‘Individuation’).

In practical terms this means: a) that they are more capable of being involved in the decision making process; of thinking and planning ahead into the future; of exploring the consequences of possible choices or actions and, b)it means that they need to develop independence from their parents in order to discover who they are, what they believe, and who and what they want to become. Experimentation is an integral part of self-discovery.

Note: How can we help our teen through this developmental process? By understanding what they are going through and by supporting their self-discovery rather than resisting it.

Illustration: Mother England and the American colonies. England resisted young America’s bid for independence which led to revolution and bloodshed. When India wanted independence, England facilitated the process and it was accomplished peacefully.

Principle #1: More Flexible Limit Setting

Flexible limits does not mean soft limits. Teens need our firm limits as much as ever but they also need morefreedom within those limits to explore and experiment.

How much freedom? It varies from teen to teen depending on how much they can responsibly handle.

How do we know how much freedom they can handle responsibly? Often, we do not know, and neither do they. This is uncharted territory for both sides. There is, however, a simple and effective way to find out. We can set itup as an experiment and test it out. Their behavior will tell us how much responsibility they are ready to handle.

Example: Kristy is a high school sophomore who just turned 15. She’s excited because her parents agreed that she could begin going out on dates with boys who drive. She’s been asked out to a movie on Friday evening. First, her Mom goes over the ground rules.

Mom: “First, we need to meet the person that you are going out with before you leave. Second, we need to know where you are going in case we need to reach you. Third, we want you home by 11:15 PM, and we expect a call if anything comes up that might affect that.”

Kristy: “11:15! All my friends get to stay out until 12:00. Can’t we make it 12:00?”

Mom: “12:00 is a realistic goal for us to aim for but we are going to start off with 11:15 for a few months. If all goes well, we can revise it upwards. But, if you don’t handle 11:15 or follow the other ground rules, we can revise it downward. Let’s see how it goes.”

Note: Kristy’s Mom has set firm limits but is also showing flexibility; she is open to revising those limits basedon the responsibility her daughter demonstrates.

Adjusting limits for teens is a balancing act between freedom and responsibility. When teens demonstrate that they can handle a certain amount of freedom responsibly, then they are probably ready for more. When they fail tohandle their freedom responsibly, however, the limits should be revised downward to find the level they canhandle.

Principle #2: More involvement in Decision Making

This does mean not that they should be the ones making the decision. It means that they are ready to participate more actively in the process. This includes: 1) sharing their thoughts and feelings, 2) discussing the reason for your rules and, 3) having their input seriously considered.

It would be quite easy for a parent to make all the decisions alone, but their teen will miss out on two important things: a) firsthand training in decision making and, b) discovering that he/she is the one most responsible for the solution. Parents should not do all of the thinking and allow the teen to be a passive participant in the process.

Principle #3: Consequences of longer Duration

Teens are more capable of thinking into the future and this has direct implications for the way consequences can be used. Consequences that extend into the future have significant instructional value. Teens can understand a parent’sintended object lesson when they experience loss of freedom or privilege for longer periods of time (i.e. weeks oreven months).

Example: Fifteen-year old Dean knows he’s not supposed to ride his father’s dirt bike unless they go out together on weekends. But Dean really wants to show his friend that he knows how to ride. His parents aren’t home. “Nobody is going to know. What’s a little spin around the block going to hurt?” He tells hisbuddy to get on and off they go. That evening a neighbor comes over to borrow some sugar. She talks to Dean’s parents briefly and as she walks out the door says, “ I’ll bet Dean is happy to finally have his license. He sure looked excited to be riding with his friend today.” When she leaves, Dean’s father calls him downstairs.

Dad: “Dean, what’s our rule about using the dirt bike when I’m not home?” Dean: “I know, Dad, but I didn’t think a little trip around the block would hurt anything.”

Dad: “I’m not worried that you would do anything reckless but the bike is not meant for the street. You’re not licensed or insured. If anything happened who do you think would be responsible?”

Dean: “Yeah, I guess it was a dumb idea.”

Dad: “I’m confident that you will think things through before anything like this happens again, but the bike is off limits to you for the next six weeks. May I have your key, please?”

Note: Six weeks is a long time, but the consequence will certainly impress Dean with the seriousness of the rule he violated. When he gets the key back he will think carefully before deciding to go for any more quickspins around the block.

Principle #4: Redefining the Ground Rules

As children grow and mature, we will be called upon to reexamine our limits and readjust them to meet our teen’s needs. The process moves into high gear in adolescence. Teens are eager to renegotiate the ground rules of early and middle childhood. They feel they have outgrown them and will begin pushing against our walls and testing the limits. Testing is their way of saying they need us to be more flexible. When we resist their pushing most teens willusually push harder which can result in all-out rebellion. Providing teens with too little freedom can result in powerstruggles and conflict.

Conclusion: The basics still apply, but parents should adjust their approach in an effort to meet their teen’s developmental needs. A failure to do so will result in unnecessary power struggles and conflict.

Bill