Categories: Family

Laying a Good Foundation in Your Child’s Life—Part 3

Key Thought: Laying a good foundation during your child’s formative years is critically important in determiningwho and what they will become as an adult.

Quick Review: Two main components of child training (‘paideia’)

Direction—getting a child on course. Teaching + Modeling + Reinforcement = Internalization (i.e. your child adopting your beliefs and behavior as his own)

Correction—keeping a child on course. Physical punishment + Verbal reproof + natural/logical consequences = Modification (i.e. change in your child’s attitude and behavior)

Note: Humanistic philosophy asserts that a child is inherently good or at least morally neutral. Given sufficient love and a good environment, he will choose rightly and need little supervision. God’s Word informs us that we all aresinners from birth (i.e. we sin because we possess a sin nature) and need parental correction to keep us on a biblicalcourse.

“Surely I have been a sinner from birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me” (Ps. 51:5)

Three Critical Mistakes (correction):

1. Correction is too harsh.

Out of line with the offense. The punishment does not fit the “crime” (i.e. loss of one week of play outside for anunmade bed).

It breeds resentment and rebellion, not a desire to do right. It is equivalent to rubbing sandpaper on a child’semotions. They become sullen, unresponsive, and lose respect for the parent.

Parent responds in a hostile/selfish We vent our spleen because we have been inconvenienced, irritated, or challenged. Be angry but about your child’s sinful behavior; let your anger move you toward corrective action that is free from resentment and hostility.

2. Correction is too negative.

Focuses on the don’ts rather than the do’s. Tend to harangue kids with “don’t do that” (i.e. “Don’t knock that milk over!) rather than emphasizing the positive alternative(s) for the unsuitable

Note: The majority of the New Testament commands are positive and not negative.

Examples:

“You may continue to watch TV quietly or go to your room and play.” (Vs. “That’s it! Turn the TV off and go to yourroom!)

“Carla, if you set your glass behind your plate you won’t knock it over again.” (Vs. “Don’t even think about gettinganother glass of milk young lady.”)

“Billy, use your fork please.” (Vs. “Don’t you dare use your fingers!”)

“Linda, I want you to straighten up your room now before you go out to play.” (Vs. “Don’t set one foot outside untileveryone of those toys are put up!”)

Emphasis on criticism. It is disheartening when you do your best and a parent finds fault with it. Excessive criticism tends to create anger and destroys confidence/motivation in a

Examples

“Is this the best you can do?”
“Can’t you do anything right?”

3. Correction is too personal.

Focuses on the person rather than the unwanted behavior.

Examples

“You bad girl, you knocked your milk over ”
“You must be pretty dense to have missed that ”

When correction is too personal it destroys a child’s spirit rather than break their stubborn self-will. It creates insecurity, fear, and feelings of inadequacy.

Five important rules for effective, biblical correction:

Presupposes a relationship of love with your child.

RULES – RELATIONSHIP = REBELLION

All forms of correction are more effective in a relationship of love. Research indicates that the closer the relationship between a parent and child, the less reliance there is on corporal punishment. The less love sensed and expressed the greater the use of power a parent must use to gain compliance.

2. Involves setting clear limits.

Children need external control until they can develop self-control over their selfish impulses. (“Train up a child…” [lit. to press or to make narrow] Prov. 22:6).

Limits provide protection. Smaller children are incapable of regulating their own behavior properly. They have a lack of experience of what will bring them pain and bodily

Limits prevent future misery and unhappiness. When a parent refuses to allow their child to pout, sulk, explode, break things, etc. they are preventing a destructive behavior pattern from being (Love refuses to let a childhave their own way.)

Limits give a sense of security. Children want and need boundaries even when their sinful nature cries out for

Illustration: A teen speaking to a counselor—“I wish my parents cared enough about me to make some rules and stick with them.” Some teens deliberately disobey to see if their parents care enough to limit them.

Limits create respect for authority. Our children must first learn this concept from us, their parents. He will soon face a world where he won’t get his way; the laws of society are designed to protect the rights of

Suggestions:

Keep rules to a minimum
Make rules age-appropriate
Don’t make an issue over non-essentials
Avoid unnecessary power

Requires that a child understand the rules. God clearly defines our responsibilities to Him. As a child matures he should be brought into the process (i.e. family council) of discussing the limits and consequences of his behavior.
Relies on consistency. A parent must follow through once limits are set; this requires self-discipline (i.e. rather than yelling, etc.); it also requires that both parents work together. When parents are unified in their approach confusion is prevented. Remember, consistency does not preclude flexibility.
Relates the punishment to the offense, the age, and the personality of the child. Take into consideration the differences in age and temperaments of your children. What might be effective for one child may be totallyineffective with another.

Conclusion: All children need correction from their parents, but it must be biblically based in order to effectively get their child back on course and not do psychological or emotional harm.

Bill