Why Do We Try to Change Our Spouse?
If you’ve ever looked across the table at your husband or wife and thought, “If only they would change, I’d finally be happy,” you’re in good company. That unspoken prayer—maybe muttered in frustration, maybe sighed in secret—is one of the deepest longings in many marriages. We believe things would finally click, romance would return, arguments would disappear, and joy would bubble up if only our spouse would just get with the program. Maybe if they just listened better, talked less, helped more, learned to say sorry, stopped leaving messes… the list is endless.
Why is it so easy, even automatic, to want our spouse to be the one who changes? A big part of the answer is simple: change is hard. Change is humbling. It requires us to honestly face our flaws, fears, and failures—the parts of ourselves we’d rather ignore or hide. Blaming the other person is a quick escape from self-reflection. If the problem is “them,” we get to keep feeling right, in control, and justified. As one busy spouse once confessed, “Every time we disagreed, my first prayer was, ‘Lord, fix them!’ instead of, ‘Lord, help me see what needs to change in me.’”
Another reason is that disappointment is a regular part of married life. Over time, we notice our spouse’s weaknesses more clearly than their strengths. We compare them to a fantasy, to friends’ spouses, or even to who we wish they’d become. We’re slow to realize just how much we do the same irritating things—and how much our own growth is stalled by our focus on their shortcomings.
The Myth of “If Only They’d Change”
It’s easy to buy into the myth that our happiness depends on our spouse changing. The “if only” myth goes like this: If only my spouse would __________ (fill in the blank), then I’d find peace and contentment. If only they’d communicate better. If only they’d be more romantic. If only they’d stop nagging or start leading. All too often, our prayers become wish lists for how God might tweak our spouse to better suit us.
This line of thinking is tempting because it puts the responsibility and the power outside ourselves. If the problem is simply who we married or what they do, our own growth isn’t required. But God’s design for marriage is very different. In God’s upside-down kingdom, the answer to, “Why am I so dissatisfied?” often starts with, “Lord, change me.” It’s not letting your spouse off the hook for their faults—it’s refusing to let their shortcomings excuse your own. Real freedom, healing, and joy begin in the heart of the one who is willing to look inward.
Why Real Change Starts With Me
Marriage is a dance between two imperfect people. We each bring our strengths—and our weaknesses, baggage, and blind spots. When one partner takes even small steps toward humility and self-awareness, it creates ripple effects. A harsh tone softens. An argument ends sooner. Long-festering resentment loses its edge.
Jesus made it clear that we are responsible for our own hearts—not the heart of someone else. He said, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3). It’s a funny image, but it drives home the truth: we’re naturally better at spotting everyone else’s mess, and almost blind to our own.
It’s humbling but transformative to ask, “What is it like to be married to me?” or “What needs to change in my attitude, words, or habits for this relationship to flourish?” Shifting from “fix them” to “search me, God” is where real breakthroughs begin. God specializes in heart change—and the only heart He gives you authority over is your own.
What Gets In the Way of Personal Growth?
So, if the solution is that simple, why do we resist it so strongly? The main barriers are pride, fear, and self-protection. Admitting where we need to grow can bring up feelings of inadequacy or shame. We might believe, even subconsciously, that if we stop blaming and start changing, we’re letting our spouse off the hook or waving a white flag in the middle of a power struggle.
For some, there’s fear of being taken for granted or losing a sense of identity. If all the changing comes from me, will I become a doormat? Won’t my spouse just keep coasting along while I do all the hard work? In reality, when you invite God to change you, it doesn’t mean enabling toxic behavior or abandoning healthy boundaries. It does mean you become the kind of spouse who is teachable, gracious, and honest—qualities that almost always invite positive change in the other person as well.
The Freedom of Surrender
One of the most life-changing prayers in marriage is: “Lord, change me.” This isn’t giving up; it’s surrender. It’s opening our hearts for God to do the hard but beautiful work of molding us into the image of Christ. It’s trusting that God will work in our partner’s heart, too, in His time and His way—even if it’s not on our schedule.
God honors humility. When you show a willingness to grow, to say you’re sorry, to forgive, to admit mistakes, you create space for trust and restoration. Instead of focusing on your spouse’s faults, you draw on God’s grace for your own journey. The more you change, the less your happiness hinges on your spouse’s behavior—and the more you reflect God’s love, no matter what’s happening around you.
Small Shifts, Big Difference
Lasting marital change rarely starts with grand ultimatums or dramatic confrontations. It’s built on small, daily choices: choosing patience over irritation, listening before speaking, refusing to keep score, showing gratitude for small things, praying quietly for your spouse instead of criticizing. Over time, these shifts soften the soil for much bigger growth in your marriage.
When one spouse genuinely seeks God’s transforming power, marriages get unstuck from old patterns. Couples rediscover affection, learn new ways to resolve conflict, and slowly but surely replace disappointment with acceptance and grace. It might not happen overnight, but it does happen, because God loves to answer the humble prayer for growth and change.
God’s Plan for Two Imperfect People
Somewhere along the way, most married couples discover just how much marriage isn’t just about happiness—it’s about holiness. God’s plan isn’t to give you a perfect spouse, but to make you more like Jesus through the daily ups and downs of loving and being loved by another imperfect person.
In the safety of a marriage surrendered to God, there’s room for ugly honesty and deep growth. When you stop asking God to change your spouse and start asking Him to change you, you join Him in the work He’s already longing to do inside you. Over time, as God shapes your character, you not only become a better spouse—you become a more whole and gracious person in every area of life.
Choosing a New Prayer
It’s healthy to desire a better marriage. But take care not to spend your life waiting for your spouse to finally become the person you hoped they’d be. Instead, choose a new prayer: “Lord, show me where I need to grow. Change my heart, shape my words, sharpen my love. Make me the kind of spouse who brings out the best in the one I married.”
When you do this, you’ll find new hope, unexpected joy, and the quiet strength that comes from living in the freedom of humble, surrendered love. In God’s hands, your change is never wasted. Genuine transformation always spreads, drawing your spouse and your marriage closer to the heart of Christ—and to each other.