Categories: Marriage

Married But Alone

A common complaint I regularly hear from those requesting marriage counseling sounds like this: “I feel distant from my spouse.” “I try to get my husband to open up, but he just shuts down.” “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.”

Marriage counselors refer to this phenomenon as emotional detachment. Although they have not physically left the relationship, one or both spouses check out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling distant and unloved. To the outside world, the situation may appear okay, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.

How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it’s a slow slide into detachment, and other times it’s suddenly brought on by a painful event (i.e., the discovery of infidelity, a bitter argument, dishonesty, abuse). If the deterioration has been gradual, typically there have been emotional hurts that have gone unresolved and are taking a serious toll on the relationship.

The following are some of the primary causes of emotional detachment:

Unforgiveness
When we believe that our spouse has emotionally wounded us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again. Shutting down is the easiest way to do this, but it has deadly consequences. It always leads to isolation.
Emotional Neglect

It’s easy, especially for men, to assume that if there is an absence of conflict their marriage is okay. As a result, he begins to take his wife for granted, which causes her to think she is unimportant and without value. Emotional detachment can quietly begin to creep into the marriage.

Emotional neglect also occurs when marital partners try to pack too much into a day. The tyranny of the urgent keeps us from making time for what is truly important: romance, talking about issues, and developing a friendship with our spouse. By staying constantly busy, we erase quality “us time” from our schedules. A marriage cannot thrive if contact with one another is limited to a quick supper or a brief chat before bed. A good marriage requires consistent face-to-face time. When the marriage slips from being a top priority, one or both spouses will eventually feel emotionally neglected, which will create a desire to withdraw into their own world.

Fear of Facing the Issues
If one or both of spouses has an inability or fear of talking through an issue of conflict, emotional detachment will likely occur. Usually, both mates know there is something wrong, but they’re hesitant to bring it up. They fear the others’ reaction. Some are hesitant to address the issue of conflict because previous attempts were unsuccessful.
Living in Denial
When emotional detachment is occurring in a relationship, it is sometimes difficult to admit what’s happening. Ironically, the spouse needing to make significant change is often the one who denies the existence of any real issues, believes that the problems are not that bad, or they will get better with time. Living in denial does not fix what is wrong, but causes the marriage to deteriorate to a point where the couple does not feel close anymore.

Working Through Emotional Detachment

The first step in dealing with emotional detachment is to determine that you will not settle for living in isolation. Ask God for more in your marriage. Pray that He will reveal the root cause of the problem and give you the ability to make real changes.

The following are suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:

Examine yourself first. Matthew 7:5 exhort us to “first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Ask yourself the tough question: “What have I done to push my spouse away?”Be honest with yourself and take ownership of your actions. Playing the blame game never works. Obviously, there are behaviors that your mate will need to deal with, but your first responsibility is to make an honest examination of yourself. As God reveals wrong attitudes and behaviors to you, put them on paper so that you will be adequately prepared to talk to your mate.
Agree to Talk. You must be willing to talk about the problems that exist between you and your spouse. Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true thoughts and feelings. As anxiety provoking that may be, you must agree to talk. The fear of getting into an argument must be set aside if the detachment process is to be stopped. Tactfully express your perspective of the situation and actively listen to what your spouse has to say. This is no time for lecturing, assigning blame, or making excuses. Remain calm as you share how you understand the current state of the relationship. Talk through the difficult issues in a spirit of reconciliation. Look for win-win solutions. If you find that you are getting angry, take a break to cool off then come back to the table. If you find that you have reached an impasse, do not hesitate to involve a competent Christian counselor to act as a mediator.
Begin to Meet Unmet Needs. As previously mentioned, emotional detachment often occurs through neglect; that is, basic needs have not been met in one or both spouses. One of the most effective ways of reversing this negative process is by understanding and meeting one another’s basic needs (‘His Needs, Her Needs’ by Willard Harley, Ph.D.). A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse and then to meet those needs. For example, if a husband is to reconnect with his wife, he must be intentional about meeting her basic needs of affirmation, acceptance, attention, and affection.
Intentionally Reengage. If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident. You must make your relationship a priority, which will require that you become proactive. Proactive couples consistently focus on three specific behaviors: quality time together; meaningful conversation; and non-sexual affection. When both spouses, on a daily, basis practice these three behaviors, reattachment begins to take place. Surprisingly, 20-30 minutes a day is sufficient to rekindle emotional intimacy. If you initially feel awkward, don’t stop! This is a normal feeling for couples breaking out of the detachment process.
Allow God to Work. All genuine change is from the inside out; that is, it starts in your heart and mind. 2 Chronicles 16: 9 tells us that “the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to fully support those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” When we have come clean with God about our sinful behavior, He will give us His power to make the kind of changes that His word requires. In the case of detachment, He will move in that person to give them the insight and motivation they need to repair the damage they have caused. He will act on their behalf to help them reengage with their mate.

God wants your marriage to work. He wants you to experience the intimacy and oneness that you desire. That’s His design. If you are aware that you are emotionally detaching from your spouse, take action immediately. To delay will only create more relational damage and make it harder for you to reattach to your mate. God is ready and willing to help. Begin by honestly examining yourself. He will meet you at your point of need if you will reach out to Him.

Bill