Married But Living Separately?

In recent years, more married couples in America are making a mutual, intentional choice to live apart while remaining committed to their marriage. This arrangement, often called “living apart together” (LAT) or being “apartners,” is not about conflict, abuse, or estrangement-it’s about two people who love each other but want more independence, space, or personal growth. With nearly four million Americans now living apart from their spouses by choice, this trend is reshaping how our culture-and the church-thinks about marriage.

So what should Christians make of this? Is it a harmless adaptation to modern life, or does it miss something essential about God’s design for marriage? Let’s take a closer look.

What Is “Living Apart Together”?

LAT couples are in committed marriages but intentionally maintain separate homes. Their reasons are varied: some want to preserve independence, manage different work locations, or simply find that separate living reduces daily friction over chores, schedules, or personal habits. For some, it’s about personal growth; for others, it’s about keeping the “spark” alive by missing each other and enjoying anticipation when they reunite.

This isn’t the same as a trial separation or a marriage in crisis. Instead, it’s a mutual agreement, sometimes for a season and sometimes as a long-term arrangement, to structure their relationship in a way that prioritizes both togetherness and individuality.

Why Is This Trend Growing?

Several factors are fueling the rise of LAT marriages:

• Desire for Independence: Many couples want to maintain their own routines, hobbies, and financial autonomy without the compromises that come with sharing a home.

• Practical Considerations: High housing costs, jobs in different cities, or caring for family members elsewhere can make separate living more practical.

• Avoiding Daily Conflicts: Some discover that living apart reduces arguments over chores or schedules, and helps maintain harmony when together.

• Personal Growth: For some, living apart is about focusing on personal development, mental health, or pursuing individual goals.

• Keeping the Romance Alive: The anticipation of seeing each other and the novelty of “dating” again can reignite passion and intimacy for some couples.

What Does the Bible Say?

As Christians, our first question isn’t “Does this work for some people?” but “What does God say about marriage?” Scripture paints a clear picture:

“A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:7-9

God’s design for marriage is a union-spiritually, emotionally, and physically. The “one flesh” language is about more than sex; it’s about sharing life, burdens, joys, and daily rhythms. Marriage is meant to reflect the intimate relationship between Christ and the church-a relationship marked by closeness, care, and sacrificial love.

The Biblical Emphasis on Togetherness

• Unity: Marriage is about two becoming one, not just legally or spiritually, but in the practical, everyday sharing of life.

• Mutual Support: God designed marriage as a partnership where spouses support, encourage, and build each other up-something that thrives on proximity and shared experience.

• Physical Intimacy: Scripture teaches that sexual intimacy is a vital part of marriage, and that regular, consensual closeness guards against temptation and fosters unity (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

• Raising Children: When children are involved, God’s design is for both parents to be present, modeling faith, love, and unity in the home.

Christian Concerns About LAT Marriages

While the LAT arrangement may offer some practical benefits, it raises important concerns from a biblical perspective:

1. It Undermines Oneness

• Living separately, even by mutual agreement, can erode the unity God intends for marriage. Physical and emotional distance can make it harder to share life deeply and to grow together as one.

2. It Reduces Opportunities for Intimacy

• Marriage is more than a legal contract; it’s a covenant of closeness. Regular physical presence fosters emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy-gifts God designed for marriage.

3. It Can Set a Confusing Example

• For children, friends, and the church, marriage is meant to be a visible sign of Christ’s love for the church. A LAT arrangement may unintentionally communicate that independence is more important than unity, or that marriage is primarily about personal fulfillment rather than sacrificial love.

4. It May Open the Door to Temptation

• Extended physical separation can make both spouses more vulnerable to loneliness, misunderstanding, or even infidelity-not always, but the risk is real.

5. It Misses God’s Best

• While some couples may make LAT work, it falls short of the full, rich vision God has for marriage: a partnership marked by shared life, mutual sacrifice, and deep, daily connection.

Is There Ever a Place for Living Apart?

Scripture does recognize that there are rare circumstances-such as safety, abuse, or special callings-where temporary separation may be necessary (see 1 Corinthians 7:10-11). Even then, the goal is always healing, restoration, and eventual reunion, not permanent separation as a lifestyle.

A “therapeutic separation,” for example, is a temporary, structured time apart for the purpose of healing and restoring the marriage-not for personal convenience or independence.

Responding to the LAT Trend: A Call to Biblical Marriage

As Christians, we’re called to swim against the current of culture when it drifts from God’s design. While LAT marriages may seem like a creative solution to modern pressures, they ultimately fall short of the biblical vision for marriage as a covenant of oneness.

Instead of prioritizing independence, let’s pursue:

• Intentional Togetherness: Make time for each other, even when it’s inconvenient. Share meals, pray together, and invite each other into your daily routines.

• Open Communication: Talk honestly about your needs, frustrations, and dreams. Don’t let small issues fester into big divides.

• Sacrificial Love: Marriage isn’t about getting your way-it’s about loving your spouse as Christ loved the church, laying down your preferences for the good of the other.

• Shared Faith: Build your marriage on Christ, praying and seeking God together. Let His love be the glue that binds you.

Final Thoughts

The trend of married couples living separately by mutual agreement is a real and growing phenomenon in America. While it may offer short-term relief from friction or allow for individual growth, it ultimately falls short of God’s design for marriage as a lifelong, intimate partnership.

If you’re considering a LAT arrangement, ask yourself:

• Are we seeking God’s best for our marriage, or just what’s easiest for us?

• Are we willing to do the hard work of growing together, even when it’s uncomfortable?

• How can we reflect Christ’s love and unity in our marriage, not just to each other, but to our children, our church, and a watching world?

Marriage is a gift-a calling to oneness, not just on paper, but in every part of life. Let’s honor God’s design, pursue unity, and trust that His way, though sometimes harder, is always better in the end.

“What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:9