“Marrying up.” It’s a phrase tossed around in television shows, family gatherings, and even wedding speeches. In American culture, it’s usually said jokingly—someone claims they’ve “married up” if their spouse is more attractive, more successful, or more put together than they are. At times, the term pokes gentle fun, a playful nod of admiration for one’s better half. But behind the laughter, “marrying up” carries deep social, historical, and even spiritual meaning. What does it really mean? Why has it been such a persistent part of American relationships? And, most importantly, how should Christians think about it?

What Does “Marrying Up” Mean?

In the simplest sense, “marrying up” refers to marrying a partner who holds a higher position on the social ladder—whether that’s because of wealth, education, status, or simply the way they’re perceived by others. Although the phrase is sometimes used by both men and women, it most often refers to women marrying men of higher economic or social standing. Social scientists call this “hypergamy,” and throughout history, it’s been a common—and sometimes expected—part of finding a spouse.

Often, marrying up is about more than money. It could mean marrying someone with a more prestigious career, greater influence, or even attributes like kindness and stability. In a more positive light, it’s the idea of finding a partner who challenges and inspires you to be your best. But in other contexts, it’s been about survival, security, and upward mobility, especially for women in previous generations.

The History of “Marrying Up” in America

To understand where this idea comes from, we need to take a quick look backward. For much of American history, women had very limited access to higher education, business opportunities, or property ownership. Cultural norms and legal restrictions closed off most paths to economic self-sufficiency. For a woman, marrying a man with resources, education, or social standing wasn’t just desirable—it was often necessary for her and her children’s well-being.

In the 1800s and well into the 20th century, a woman’s status in her community, access to healthcare, and her children’s educational prospects depended in large part on whom she married. Often, families were heavily involved in matchmaking, looking for “a good catch” for their daughters. The goal? Security, stability, and maybe even a better life.

This wasn’t just about greed or ambition. It was about survival and using the few avenues open to women at the time to build a hopeful future.

Marrying Up Today: Has Anything Changed?

Fast forward to modern America, and you’ll see a very different world for women. Today, women are more educated than ever. They build careers, lead companies, and influence every area of public life. Yet, the idea of marrying up persists—though it wears a different outfit.

Modern hypergamy is less about necessity and more about desire. While plenty of women earn more than their husbands (and that number grows each year), studies show many still hope their partner will be at least as successful as they are. Cultural factors run deep—stories of “providers” and “protectors” are hard to shake, even in a world where everyone is capable of providing and protecting.

For some, “marrying up” is still about marrying someone with financial stability or ambition. For others, it’s about charisma, spiritual maturity, or a positive outlook—traits that can help a marriage thrive. And, let’s be honest, for many it’s still thrown out as a compliment in social situations: “He really married up when he married her!”

Why the Idea Persists

Why does this idea stick around? A few reasons stand out:

  • Cultural Stories: We grow up on fairy tales, movies, and songs where the heroine finds her prince—a man of stature who lifts her to a new life. Even in modern stories, the theme of finding “someone better” runs strong.

  • Parental Influence: Families often want the best for their children, which sometimes translates into encouragement (or pressure) to date or marry someone who “can take care of you.”

  • Security and Stability: No matter how independent we become, everyone wants to feel secure, physically and emotionally. There’s a natural attraction to those who seem steady, reliable, and able to weather life’s storms.

  • Admiration and Aspiration: Sometimes, marrying up isn’t just about socioeconomic status. It’s about admiring qualities in another person—compassion, wisdom, faith—and hoping some of that rubs off on us.

The Christian View: Rethinking “Marrying Up”

As Christians, we bring a very different perspective to relationships and marriage. In God’s eyes, worth isn’t measured by bank accounts, GPAs, or flashy careers. Scripture is clear that real value is found in character, faith, and sacrificial love.

The Bible tells us that marriage is a covenant—not a contract for upward mobility. Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, sacrificially and unconditionally. 1 Peter 3:7 teaches husbands and wives to honor each other. Proverbs 31 praises a woman of virtue, not just status or wealth.

Jesus himself came for those at the margins, turning the world’s values on their head. He saw worth where others saw none and called us to do the same. In His kingdom, the last will be first and the first will be last. That means, as Christians, we should look at marriage—and potential spouses—through the lens of God’s values, not the world’s.

The Dangers of “Marrying Up”

When the idea of marrying up becomes an obsession, it can warp how we see relationships. If marriage is just a way to move up in life, we risk missing the beauty of partnership, mutual support, and genuine love. We can start seeing people as stepping stones, not souls made in God’s image.

Several problems can arise from making “marrying up” the goal:

  • Materialism: We’re warned against loving money and trusting in it over God. Making wealth or status the main priority blinds us to what really matters.

  • Unrealistic Expectations: If we expect a spouse to “save” us from all our troubles, we set ourselves up for disappointment. No human, no matter how rich or accomplished, can fulfill every need.

  • Spiritual Mismatch: Focusing only on outward success can cause believers to overlook spiritual compatibility. The Bible warns against being “unequally yoked.” Is a person growing in Christ? Do they share your faith and values? These are far more important than their paycheck.

  • Conflict and Resentment: Disparities in ambition or status can breed insecurity or competition in marriage, rather than trust and encouragement.

What Should “Marrying Up” Really Mean?

If we want to redeem this phrase as believers, maybe it’s time to “marry up” in the ways that matter most to God:

  • Look for someone who loves Christ and inspires you to draw closer to Him.

  • Choose a partner of character—someone honest, compassionate, and generous.

  • Value upward spiritual growth above upward mobility. Does your relationship point you toward Christlikeness?

The best marriages are ones where both spouses are committed to loving each other sacrificially, growing through challenges, and serving others together. That doesn’t mean we ignore practical realities—character, work ethic, and responsibility are important. But in God’s economy, the heart matters most.

Wisdom For Those Considering Marriage

If you’re single and hoping to marry, be wise. Seek God first in your heart’s desires. Ask Him to help you notice the things that truly matter in a relationship. Don’t buy the world’s lie that a “better” spouse always means a richer, more outwardly impressive one.

Instead, pray for discernment. Look for faithfulness, generosity, and humility in your potential spouse. Be willing, in turn, to cultivate these same virtues in your own life. In God’s timing, He will guide you toward someone who not only loves you, but who will help you become more like Christ together.

Advice For Married Couples

If you’re already married, remember: at its core, every marriage is about two imperfect people helping each other grow. Instead of comparing your marriage to someone else’s, celebrate the unique strengths and blessings of your relationship. Encourage and uplift your spouse. Grow together in faith. Let “marrying up” mean helping one another become more Christlike every day.

“Marrying up” may always be a part of American vocabulary. Sometimes it’s a joke, sometimes it’s a real desire, and sometimes, if we let it, it can shape how we choose a spouse. But as Christians, we’re called to resist shallow measures of worth. True value is found in hearts turned toward God, in mutual sacrifice, and in the steady, courageous love that points toward eternity.

So, as you think about marriage—your own or someone else’s—ask yourself: Am I aiming for the world’s standards, or God’s? The greatest “marrying up” anyone can ever do is joining hands with someone who will encourage them to love God more and walk with Him more closely every day. That’s the upward journey that never goes out of style.