If you’ve spent any time around Christian marriages or church communities, you’ve probably noticed something: sometimes, men just don’t step up and lead in their families. Maybe you’ve seen it in your own marriage, or maybe you’ve watched a friend struggle with it. Either way, it’s a common issue, and it’s one that causes a lot of frustration, confusion, and even heartbreak for both husbands and wives.
So why does this happen? Why do some Christian men seem hesitant, passive, or even completely disengaged when it comes to leading their families? The answer isn’t simple, but it’s worth exploring—because understanding the reasons behind this struggle can help us respond with more grace, wisdom, and hope.
Let’s start by acknowledging that leadership in the home is a big deal, especially from a Christian perspective. The Bible talks a lot about the importance of men leading their families with love, wisdom, and humility. Ephesians 5:23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” That’s a high calling—and a daunting one. Christ’s leadership was marked by sacrifice, service, and selfless love, not by control or domination. But for many men, the idea of leading like Jesus feels overwhelming, confusing, or even impossible.
One of the biggest reasons men don’t lead is simply that they lack confidence. Some guys grew up in homes where they weren’t affirmed or loved unconditionally. Maybe nothing they did was ever good enough, or maybe their parents were distant or critical. Over time, that kind of upbringing can leave a man feeling unsure of himself and afraid to make decisions. He might worry that he’ll make the wrong choice, so he avoids making any choice at all. Other men might have once been confident leaders, but something happened—a failure at work, a crisis in their marriage, or a disappointment in church—that shook them to the core. Now, they second-guess themselves constantly and feel insecure about their ability to lead.
Another reason men don’t lead is that they feel overwhelmed. Life is busy and complicated, and the demands on men—financially, emotionally, spiritually—can be intense. When a man feels like he’s drowning in responsibilities, it’s easy for him to shut down. He might think, “If I just do nothing, maybe the situation will change on its own, or someone else will step in and make the decision for me.” This kind of passivity isn’t laziness; it’s often a response to feeling overburdened and unsure of how to move forward.
Some men also struggle because they’ve never seen healthy leadership modeled. Maybe their own father was absent, passive, or abusive. If a man didn’t grow up watching his dad lead with love, patience, and wisdom, he might not know how to do it himself. He might feel lost, confused, or even resentful about the idea of leading his own family. This is especially true in our culture, where traditional gender roles are constantly being questioned and redefined. Even in Christian circles, there’s a lot of confusion about what it means for a man to lead his family, and that confusion can make men hesitant to step up.
Then there’s the issue of discouragement. Many Christian men feel like they’re failing at leadership, no matter how hard they try. They might hear messages at church about how they’re supposed to be the spiritual leader, the provider, the protector, and the disciplinarian—all at the same time. When they don’t live up to those expectations, they can feel like giving up. Some men check out emotionally, spiritually, or even physically, because they think, “I’ll never be the leader my wife wants or the church expects, so why bother?” This kind of discouragement can be especially strong if a man feels like his wife is more spiritually mature or gifted than he is. If he tries to lead and she criticizes or corrects him, he might decide it’s easier to just let her take over.
Speaking of wives, the way women respond to their husbands’ leadership attempts can have a huge impact. Sometimes, when a man tries to lead, his wife pushes back. Maybe she feels the need to comment, control, or criticize his decisions. From her perspective, she’s just trying to help. But from his perspective, it can feel like he’s being undermined or disrespected. Over time, that kind of dynamic can make a man feel like it’s not worth the effort to lead. He’d rather have peace in the home than deal with conflict, so he steps back and lets his wife take charge. This is a tricky situation, because both partners usually have good intentions, but the result is often frustration and disappointment on both sides.
There’s also the issue of respect. Men are wired to respond to respect, just like women are wired to respond to love. When a man feels respected by his wife, he’s more likely to step up and lead. But if he feels like his wife doesn’t respect him—or if she’s always taking control—he might lose motivation to lead. He doesn’t want to follow his wife’s direction, not because he’s stubborn or prideful, but because God made him to lead, and being passive goes against his God-given nature. At the same time, if a man isn’t leading, his wife might feel like she has to take over, which can lead to resentment and bitterness over time.
Another reason men don’t lead is that they’re afraid of getting it wrong. The world is changing fast, and the expectations for men and women in marriage are all over the place. Some men worry that if they try to lead, they’ll be accused of being controlling or domineering. Others worry that if they don’t lead, they’ll be accused of being weak or passive. It’s a no-win situation, and the pressure can be paralyzing. In some cases, men become controlling in an attempt to live up to the expectations placed on them, while others become passive and disengaged.
It’s important to remember that God’s vision for leadership in the home isn’t about control or dominance. It’s about responsibility, service, and love. A godly husband is called to lead his family the way Christ leads the church—with humility, sacrifice, and selfless love1. That means taking initiative to care for his wife and children, making decisions with wisdom and compassion, and being willing to admit when he’s wrong. It doesn’t mean he has to have all the answers or do everything perfectly.
If you’re a man who struggles with leadership, you’re not alone. Many Christian dads feel like failures, unsure if they’re hitting the mark or setting a good example for their kids. The good news is that God doesn’t expect perfection. He expects faithfulness. He calls you to keep trying, to keep growing, and to keep leaning on Him for strength and wisdom.
If you’re a wife who’s frustrated with your husband’s lack of leadership, remember that your role is to encourage and support him, not to take over or criticize. The Bible doesn’t command you to change your husband; it calls you to be faithful to God, no matter what your husband does. That doesn’t mean you have to accept disrespect or neglect, but it does mean you can trust God to work in your husband’s heart and in your marriage.
One of the most important things we can do as Christians is to stop putting so much pressure on men to be perfect leaders. Instead, we should encourage them to grow, to learn, and to rely on God’s grace. We should remind them that leadership isn’t about power or control—it’s about love, service, and responsibility. And we should remind ourselves that God is the ultimate authority in our homes and in our lives.
If you’re a man who wants to lead better, start by asking God for help. Pray for wisdom, courage, and humility. Look for mentors who can model healthy leadership for you. Be willing to admit when you’re wrong and to ask for forgiveness. And remember that leadership is a journey, not a destination. You don’t have to have it all figured out today.
If you’re a wife who wants to encourage your husband to lead, look for ways to affirm and respect him. Thank him when he takes initiative, even if it’s small. Be patient with his mistakes, and avoid criticizing or correcting him in front of others. Pray for him, and trust God to work in his heart.
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to have a perfect marriage or a perfect leader. The goal is to grow together in Christ, to love each other well, and to reflect God’s love to the world. That takes effort, grace, and a whole lot of patience—but it’s worth it.
So if you’re struggling with leadership in your marriage, don’t give up. Keep seeking God, keep loving each other, and keep moving forward—one step at a time.