Overcoming Defensiveness in Your Marriage

Defensiveness is one of the biggest barriers to effective communication and conflict resolution in marriage. When your spouse expresses a need or complaint, it’s natural to feel attacked and want to defend yourself. However, responding defensively only escalates the situation and prevents you from truly understanding your partner’s perspective. In the example at the beginning, the husband immediately got defensive when his wife shared her need for more quality time together at home. Instead of listening to understand her point of view, he accused her of only wanting to watch TV and blamed her for the lack of quality time. This is a common pattern in many marriages. Defensiveness causes unhappiness and communication breakdowns because it:

• Escalates negative emotions
• Prevents you from taking responsibility for your part
• Makes your spouse feel unheard and invalidated
• Derails the conversation from the real issue at hand

So why do we keep responding defensively if it doesn’t work? It’s because we’re not taking responsibility for our own emotions and choices. Defensiveness stems from a lack of personal accountability. When your spouse expresses hurt or unmet needs, it feels like an attack on you. Your instinct is to defend yourself and prove your spouse wrong rather than trying to understand where they are coming from. But this approach never improves the situation. In fact, it usually makes things worse. Your spouse ends up feeling dismissed and unimportant. The real issues never get resolved. The cycle of defensiveness continues. So how can you break this cycle and start responding differently when your spouse expresses a complaint or need? Here are six more constructive approaches:

Validate your spouse’s feelings

Validation is the opposite of defensiveness. It shows your spouse that their feelings matter more to you than proving them wrong or defending yourself. When you validate, you put your own opinions and attitudes aside to convey, “Your feelings are important to me, and I want to understand them. “For example, you could say something like, “I can see why you would feel hurt that we haven’t been spending much quality time together lately. Your feelings are valid, and I want to work on this with you.”

Listen attentively

Instead of getting defensive, focus on listening to your spouse. Listening sends the message that your partner is important and worth your full attention. Listening well involves making eye contact, having an open body posture, and avoiding distractions. Sighing, eye-rolling, or interrupting shows that you aren’t really listening. When you listen attentively, it helps calm your spouse down. They feel heard and understood. You can then move the conversation in a more productive direction.

Ask open-ended questions

Asking questions is a great way to gain clarity and move the discussion to a healthier level. Open-ended questions that start with “what,” “how,” or “tell me more” encourage your spouse to share more about their perspective and feelings. For example, you could ask, “What specifically makes you feel like we aren’t spending enough time together?” or “How can we make more quality time for each other at home?” Avoid questions that start with “why” as they can sound accusatory.

Allow your spouse to have different opinions

You and your spouse will never agree on everything. You’re different people with different personalities, backgrounds, and perspectives. It’s okay to have differing opinions on many issues like parenting, finances, or leisure activities. The key is to allow space for those differences and focus on what truly matters in your relationship. There will be times when you can find a compromise, but also times when you need to simply accept that your spouse has a different point of view. Arguing over every little disagreement is exhausting and unproductive.

Shift the focus from facts to feelings

Defensiveness is rarely about facts. It’s about hurt feelings and unmet emotional needs. When your spouse expresses a complaint, ask yourself what deeper feelings might be driving it. Are they feeling rejected, controlled, disconnected? Identifying the underlying emotions can help you respond with more empathy. Discussing facts during a heated moment is usually futile. Nothing good comes from arguing over the details when you’re both feeling defensive. Instead, try to understand the feelings behind what your spouse is saying. If you’re unsure, you can ask, “It sounds like you might be feeling hurt/frustrated/scared. Is that right?”

Take a break if needed

If you find yourself getting increasingly defensive and the conversation is escalating, it’s okay to call a time-out. Politely ask for a break to calm down and get your emotions under control. Take some deep breaths, pray, or do whatever helps you regain perspective. But remember, calling a time-out is only the first step. The second step is to come back together and continue the discussion when you’re both in a better frame of mind. Avoid letting the break turn into avoidance. Set a specific time to revisit the issue. Overcoming defensiveness takes practice, but it’s one of the most important skills for maintaining a healthy marriage. When your spouse expresses a need or complaint, try to respond with validation, listening, questions, and a focus on feelings rather than facts. Allow space for differences of opinion. And if things get too heated, take a break and come back to it later. The goal is to create an environment where you both feel heard, understood and able to resolve conflicts in a constructive way. Defensiveness only breeds more negativity. By responding differently, you can break the cycle and strengthen your marriage.