Overcoming Hurts, Habits and Hangups in Christian Relationships

As Christians, we are called to love others as Christ loves us. However, navigating relationships can be challenging, especially when we carry baggage from past hurts, struggle with unhealthy habits, or get hung up on issues. If we want to build strong, God-honoring relationships, we must learn to overcome these obstacles with God’s help. Here are some biblical principles and practical tips for dealing with hurts, habits and hangups in your relationships.

Healing from Past Hurts

One of the biggest barriers to healthy relationships is unresolved pain and bitterness from past wounds. When someone has deeply hurt us, it’s tempting to put up walls, avoid vulnerability, and even lash out at others. However, Scripture calls us to a different way – the way of forgiveness.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Forgiveness doesn’t mean the offense was okay or that there shouldn’t be consequences. It means releasing the person from the debt they owe you and trusting God to deal with the injustice. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It’s something we must practice continually.

If you are struggling to forgive someone who has hurt you, try these steps:

1. Acknowledge the hurt and the negative impact it has had on you. Don’t minimize or deny the pain.
2. Choose to forgive the person, not because they deserve it, but because God calls you to and because He has forgiven you.
3. Pray for the person. Ask God to bless them and work in their life. Praying for our enemies shifts our perspective.
4. Seek help and support if needed. Processing hurts with a counselor, pastor or wise friend can bring healing.

Remember, forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation, especially if the person is unsafe or unrepentant. But it does mean letting go of bitterness so you can move forward. Trust God to be the judge and heal your heart as you obey Him.

Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Habits

In addition to past hurts, unhealthy habits and patterns can undermine our relationships. Maybe you struggle with people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, or an unhealthy dependence on others for your identity. Or perhaps you tend to be controlling, critical or emotionally distant. Identifying and replacing bad relationship habits is key to growth.

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24)

With God’s help, we can break free from unhealthy cycles and develop new ways of relating. Consider these suggestions:

1. Increase your self-awareness. Notice your typical ways of responding to others. What are your motives and fears? Ask God for insight.
2. Take responsibility for your part in negative patterns. Don’t blame others or make excuses. Confess any sin and ask for forgiveness.
3. Set healthy boundaries. Know your limits, values and priorities. Communicate them clearly and kindly. Be willing to say no when needed.
4. Pursue personal growth. Cultivate your identity and security in Christ first. Invest in becoming emotionally and spiritually healthy.
5. Practice new skills. Work on active listening, assertive communication, empathy, and conflict resolution. Get coaching if needed.

Change takes time and effort, but it’s worth it. As you cooperate with God’s Spirit and form new habits, your relationships can flourish.

Letting Go of Hangups

Finally, many of us get hung up on secondary issues that hinder unity and love in our relationships. We make mountains out of molehills, insisting on our own way in matters of opinion or preference.

In non-essential issues, God calls us to pursue peace and mutual edification:

“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” (Romans 14:19)

This doesn’t mean compromising on biblical truth or enabling sin. But it does mean choosing our battles wisely and extending grace in areas where well-meaning Christians may disagree.

Before you make an issue a point of contention, ask yourself:

1. Is this a clear biblical mandate or a matter of personal preference? Don’t confuse your opinion with God’s command.
2. Is this important enough to damage the relationship over? Most things aren’t worth losing peace and unity.
3. Can I let go of my need to be right? Practice humility and consider the other person’s perspective.
4. How can I respond in a loving way? Focus on building up, not tearing down. Use gentle words and be patient.

If a difference is significant enough to address, do so with respect and care for the person. Seek to understand more than to be understood. And if you can’t reach agreement, commit to love each other anyway.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)

Relying on God’s Power

Overcoming hurts, habits and hangups is not something we can do in our own strength. We need God’s grace and power working in us. He is the source of healing, transformation and unity.

As you seek to grow in your relationships, depend on God:

1. Pray consistently for yourself and others. Ask God to change you and give you wisdom in relationships.
2. Meditate on God’s Word. Let Scripture renew your mind and guide your attitudes and actions.
3. Walk in step with God’s Spirit. Rely on Him for the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control you need.
4. Engage in supportive community. Be vulnerable with mature believers who can encourage you, speak truth and hold you accountable.

God wants to redeem your relationships for His glory. Trust Him in the process, even when it’s messy. He will complete the good work He started in you (Philippians 1:6).

Overcoming relational hurts, habits and hangups involves:

1. Extending forgiveness for past offenses
2. Replacing unhealthy patterns with new skills
3. Letting go of non-essential differences
4. Relying on God’s power to change us

As we do the hard work of addressing our baggage, forming new habits and keeping the main things the main things, we can experience the joys of thriving, Christ-centered relationships. It’s a lifelong process, but one that’s worth it every step of the way.