Overcoming the Major Destroyer of Marriages

Letting hurt and anger go unattended can cause serious, long-term damage to a marriage. Emotional wounds must be addressed in a biblically constructive manner or the offended party’s spirit will eventually close.

Definitions:

• spirit (‘pneuma’ means by which man relates to God) is a person’s innermost being; the “real you”
• soul (‘psyche’ means by which man relates to man) is a person’s mind, emotions, and will
• body is the physical shell that houses the spirit and soul

All three parts interrelate and make up the total person

A person’s spirit is considered to be “open” when they manifest the following characteristics:

1. An absence of anger or hurt in relation to their mate
2. A desire to communicate with their mate
3. A willingness to touch or be touched by their mate
4. An enjoyment of being in their mate’s presence.

A “closed” spirit is reflected in the following ways:

1. An argumentative attitude
2. A resistance to discuss or agree on almost anything with their mate
3. A tendency to avoid their mate’s presence
4. An unwillingness to cooperate or work with their mate on a task or project
5. A failure to ask for or respect their mate’s advice
6. A persistent critical attitude toward their mate
7. A noticeable decline in romantic or warm feelings toward their mate.

A closed spirit is one that has been crushed

“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” Proverbs 15:4

“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.” Proverbs 15:13

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit who can bear.” Proverbs 17:22

“A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear.” Proverbs 18:14

How Do We Crush Someone’s Spirit?

Crush means to maim, damage or spoil by an outside force. When a person has been wounded by our words or actions, their spirit closes; a wall of protection is built up to protect from further pain.

Examples:

1. By criticizing our mate harshly
2. By speaking hurtful words
3. By taking our mate for granted
4. By telling our mate that their opinions don’t matter
5. By dismissing our mate’s needs as unimportant
6. By making jokes about our mate’s character or physical flaws
7. By not trusting our mate when they deserve
8. By making sarcastic remarks
9. By forcing our mate to do something that they do not believe is right
10. By being rude to our mate in front of others
11. By being unwilling to admit that we are wrong.

Five Keys to Open a Closed Spirit

1. Demonstrate softness and tenderheartedness.
2. Understand what the person has gone through by listening carefully to their hurts.
3. Acknowledge their hurt and admit that you have emotionally wounded them.
4. Approach the other person gently.
5. Ask for forgiveness.

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