Proverbs 19:18 gives us this warning: “Discipline your children while there is hope; otherwise, you will ruin their lives.” That’s a sobering verse for any parent. It reminds us that raising children isn’t about keeping them happy or comfortable; it’s about shaping their character, preparing their hearts, and guiding them toward maturity in Christ. Parenting is one of the most sacred responsibilities we’ve been given—and one of the easiest places to lose our way.
None of us set out to ruin our children’s lives, but it happens when we parent out of fear, guilt, or convenience. The truth is that modern culture has a strong influence on how we parent. We’re told our job is to keep our kids happy, to protect them from every discomfort, to make sure they have the best of everything. But what if our quest to make our children happy or successful actually sets them up for failure? Biblical parenting isn’t about producing temporarily happy kids—it’s about raising godly, responsible adults.
Let’s look honestly at some of the common traps parents fall into and how to avoid them.
Mistake #1: Putting Your Child’s Happiness First
If your child’s happiness is the guiding principle of your parenting, you are setting yourself—and them—up for heartache. Happiness is fleeting. It’s an emotion that comes and goes depending on circumstances. It can’t be the foundation for wise parental decisions.
Children don’t need parents who make them happy; they need parents who make them holy. They need moms and dads mature enough to choose what’s best for the child, not what will keep them temporarily content. A Christ-centered parent sees beyond the moment, thinking about how today’s boundaries, lessons, and discipline will shape tomorrow’s adult.
Think back to your own life. Can you recall a time your parents made a decision that didn’t make you happy but turned out to be right? Maybe they didn’t let you go to that party, buy that car, or hang out with certain people—and in hindsight, you see their wisdom. As a parent now, you’ll have to make those same decisions. You’ll experience the sting of your child’s disappointment and the temptation to back down. But godly leadership means standing firm in love.
Mistake #2: Making Your Child the Center of Your Marriage
Many couples wrongly believe that once children arrive, the marriage relationship moves to second place. But the opposite is true—the foundation of a healthy family is a strong marriage. When the child becomes the emotional center of the home, it creates tension, anxiety, and confusion. Children thrive best when they know Mom and Dad love each other and are united.
A child-focused home teaches kids to manipulate attention. Instead of security, it breeds dependence and power struggles. Remember: your spouse is your lifelong covenant partner; your children are temporary guests you’re raising to leave home. If you neglect your marriage, you’re eventually weakening the whole family structure.
Ask yourself, has your home become child-centered? Do your children seem to hold more influence than they should? Recenter your attention on your marriage. A loving, stable partnership doesn’t subtract from your parenting—it multiplies it.
Mistake #3: Doing Too Much for Your Child
Parents today often confuse love with doing everything for their children. We pack their backpacks, clean their rooms, solve their conflicts, and sometimes even do their homework. But every time you do something for your child that they could (and should) do for themselves, you rob them of growth.
The true test of successful parenting is not how happy your child is today—but how independent and responsible they become tomorrow. If you want your kids to become capable adults, you must gradually transfer responsibility to them. Let them make decisions and experience both success and failure.
Children who learn accountability early become confident adults. If you rescue them too quickly, they grow dependent and unmotivated. Give them responsibilities, then hold them to those standards. You’re not being mean; you’re preparing them for life.
Mistake #4: Trying to Live Your Dreams Through Your Kids
This one can be subtle but destructive. Many parents project their own dreams, insecurities, or unfulfilled ambitions onto their children. Maybe you wanted to play college sports, so you push your child relentlessly on the field. Maybe you crave status, so your child’s achievements become your identity. Maybe you want the picture-perfect family, so you pressure your kids to perform for appearances.
Mapping out your child’s life based on your own self-worth robs them of their God-given destiny. He has uniquely designed your son or daughter with their own calling, strengths, and desires. Your job as a parent is not to mold them into a version of your best self but to nurture the person God created them to be.
Ask yourself: whose future am I really investing in—my child’s or my own? If your dreams for them cause stress, resentment, or shame, it’s time to let go. Pray instead that they grow to love the Lord and follow His plan, even if that path looks different from what you imagined.
Mistake #5: Getting Too Involved in Sibling Fights
Every parent knows the sound of siblings arguing—it can wear you down fast. Naturally, we want peace in the home, so we jump in to referee every disagreement. But too much parental interference can do more harm than good. When parents constantly step into sibling conflicts, they keep their children from developing essential relational skills like negotiation, empathy, and forgiveness.
Healthy sibling conflict (the kind that doesn’t become abusive or dangerous) can actually teach valuable lessons. Let your kids work out small disagreements themselves. Step in only when there’s physical harm or serious disrespect. If you micromanage every squabble, your children will learn to run to you instead of learning patience and conflict resolution.
What do your children fight about most? If you stopped taking sides, might they eventually learn to compromise? Often kids fight less when parents aren’t feeding the drama.
Mistake #6: Arguing with Your Child
Arguing with your child is tempting—it can feel like you’re standing your ground. But when you argue, you lower yourself to peer level and surrender your authority. As soon as you start debating, you’ve turned discipline into negotiation.
Your role as a parent is not to prove your case but to lead your child. When you argue, you teach them that every decision is open to debate and that your authority is conditional on their approval. Instead, aim for calm firmness. You don’t have to have the last word or win the fight; you simply have to be steady, loving, and consistent.
Think of God’s example with us. He doesn’t argue, manipulate, or plead. He instructs through truth and disciplines through love. You can do the same. Make your expectations clear, listen respectfully, and end the conversation when necessary. Quiet strength teaches far more than loud arguments ever will.
Mistake #7: Making Your Spouse the “Bad Cop”
In some homes, one parent handles all the discipline while the other plays the role of friend or “good cop.” But calling on your spouse to be the disciplinarian undermines both of you. It teaches children that one parent lacks authority and that their obedience depends on which parent is around. That keeps the family trapped in an unhealthy triangle.
Discipline isn’t about power—it’s about guidance. If you’re the parent who’s present when a rule is broken, it’s your responsibility to follow through. Kids feel secure when they know both parents are consistent and united. When they sense division, they’ll exploit it—or worse, feel unsafe.
Ask yourself honestly: do I pass discipline off to my spouse? If so, why? Is it fear of confrontation? Guilt? Laziness? Remember, love and limits go hand in hand. Both parents are called to lead.
Mistake #8: Over-Praising Your Child
Encouragement is important, but over-praising can backfire. When praise is constant, vague, or undeserved, it loses its value. Children begin to equate praise with worth and expect applause for minimal effort. This “everyone gets a trophy” mindset creates fragile self-esteem.
Kids who are over-praised often struggle to deal with failure or correction. Instead of bouncing back, they collapse or quit. They may even learn to cheat or exaggerate to maintain success. Praise should focus on effort, character, and growth—not on talent or perfection.
Say things like, “I’m proud of how hard you worked,” or “I appreciate your honesty,” instead of generic compliments like, “You’re the best!” or “You’re amazing!” Remember, biblical love builds character, not ego.
Mistake #9: Rescuing Your Child from Consequences
Parents often step in too soon to save their children from discomfort or failure. Whether it’s a missed assignment, a forgotten lunch, or a broken rule, many parents swoop in to protect their kids from the pain of consequences. That’s what we call “helicopter parenting,” and though it comes from love, it produces dependency and immaturity.
Kids need to experience normal levels of disappointment, failure, and frustration. That’s how they build resilience and learn responsibility. If you rescue them every time, they’ll grow up insecure, anxious, or entitled.
Think back to a time your child made a poor choice. Did you step in to fix it, or did you let them face the outcome? It’s hard to watch your child struggle, but pain is often a better teacher than comfort.
Mistake #10: Spoiling Your Child
Spoiling a child isn’t about giving them gifts—it’s about giving them control. When parents consistently give a child what they want rather than what they need, they create entitlement. Spoiled behavior can look like disrespect, selfishness, tantrums, and manipulation. It’s not just annoying—it’s spiritually dangerous, because it encourages pride and rebellion.
Spoiling happens when we fail to enforce limits. We say “yes” too often because “no” feels stressful. But kids need boundaries to feel secure. Hebrews 12:11 reminds us that discipline may seem painful now, but it produces “a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Loving discipline is one of the greatest demonstrations of grace.
Ask yourself: have I confused indulgence with love? Do I fear my child’s displeasure more than God’s disapproval? Set limits, say “no” when needed, and stick with it. Your child will thank you later.
Final Thoughts
Raising children is never easy, but it is sacred work. We’re not just teaching manners or skills—we’re shaping souls. The goal of parenting isn’t to produce children who think highly of themselves; it’s to raise children who think rightly about God, others, and the world around them.
Proverbs 22:6 gives us the promise: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” That kind of training takes courage, discernment, and consistency. It means loving your children enough to say no, letting them fail, refusing to rescue, and centering your home on Christ instead of on feelings.
Parenting is hard, but it’s holy ground. The choices you make today—especially the tough ones—can shape generations. So stand firm, parent with wisdom, and trust that God’s grace will fill in every gap.