Categories: ChildrenFamily

Parenting Doesn’t Have to Ruin Your Marriage

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!” Ps. 127:3-5

Introduction: There is a widespread belief in every culture that children bring happiness. When prospective parents are asked to think about parenthood they tend to conjure up images of healthy babies, handsome boys or gorgeous-looking girls. This is the case even when couples acknowledge that parenting will be painstakingly difficult. Multiple research studies, however, indicate that after having a child, marital satisfaction declines.

The good news is that this downward slide is not inevitable. A substantial minority (35%) of couples do not experience parenthood as an obstacle to marital happiness. Their marriages remain strong. What are these couples doing right?

Pointers for a Strong Partnership:

The simple answer is to stay focused on your marriage even though most of your time and energy must be devoted to your kids. Treat your relationship with your partner as the one that’s most important in your life, even more than the one with your children. This, of course, doesn’t mean neglecting your kids’ needs, but simply making the marital relationship a top priority. You don’t have to choose between a happy marriage and happy, secure kids. By having the first, you’ll likely get the second as well.

Do not reinforce attention-seeking behaviors. Children need to learn that parents are not always going to drop everything when they demand attention. Unless it is urgent, do not let your child’s demands interrupt your conversations. They should learn to listen and wait their turn to talk.
Set early bedtimes. Many couples report that the only time they spend alone is at the end of the day. Get your kids in bed early, especially when they are younger, to ensure that you get a chance to talk.
Create warm welcomes. When you return home, greet one another with a kiss and hug. Let the kids giggle. This kind of affection reassures them that you’re close to each other as well as to them.
Try 20-minute reconnects. You don’t need a whole weekend away or even a regular date night to keep the spark alive. It can be as simple as taking a short walk together to catch up.
Share the load.Chore time can be prime couple time. Turn off the TV and listen to music while you’re making lunches for the following day, ironing clothes, or folding laundry. When couples work together to get the chores done, there’s no resentment about who does more.
Encourage your kids’ independence.When children learn to do entertain themselves for short periods of time, it means more time for you and your spouse.
Revive your past.Couple-time can become routine. Ask yourself, “What did we used to have fun doing together?” A lot of times those activities have leftover magic in them. They can help you remember who you were as a couple before you became parents.
Put sex on your schedules.Sounds unspontaneous, but it’s often the only practical way to make sure you keep your intimate relationship on your to-do list.
Fight as if the neighbors can hear you. Loud bickering is insulting and can zap the intimacy out of any marriage quickly. Throwing verbal low-blows back and forth in front of the kids also shows them you don’t respect one another. Do this often and you’ll find your preschooler talking to you in a similarly disrespectful way.
Remember, Dad’s way works, too. Wives don’t criticize your husbands for not feeding or dressing the children exactly as you would. This can make him feel more like a parenting aide than an equal partner. And if he doesn’t think you trust him to take care of the kids as well as you do, resentment can build.
Be a cheap date. You already know that a date with your husband can reignite that spark in your relationship, but keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be dinner and a movie.
Understand the stages of marriage.Understand that the challenging times in your marriage are temporary. Feeling disconnected from your partner while your kids are little is going to happen, but it doesn’t mean that your marriage is on the rocks. Instead, see your anger or frustration as a signal that you need to make a greater effort to reconnect with one another.