Categories: Marriage

Peacemaking in Marriage: Are You A Peacemaker or A Troublemaker?

Relationships 101

When interpersonal problems are mishandled →CONFLICT

When conflict is unresolved → DAMAGED RELATIONSHIPS

(Latin ‘conflictus” meaning collision; past participle ‘confligere’ meaning strike together)

When damaged relationships are not repaired → SEVERED TIES

Ungodly Statistic

Non-denominational evangelical Christians’ divorce rate: 38%
Baptists’ divorce rate: 29%
Atheists’/Agnostics’ divorce rate: 21%
South has greatest percentage of divorces; North East the least
3800 churches close their doors annually in U.S. (does not count splits)

Hard Reality

Our failure to live in peace and unity with one another results in the following:

God’s Name Being Blasphemed.

“Now the God of Peace be with you all” (Romans 15:33).

“The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things and the God of Peace shall be with you” (Philippians 4:9).

“For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; and the government will rest on his shoulders; and his name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6)

2. Christians’ Testimony Being Discredited.

“All men will know you are my disciples if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).

“…but God has called us to peace” (I Corinthians 7:15).

“So let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another” (Romans 14:19).

“I exhort you…that you all agree, and there be no divisions among you…” (I Corinthians 1:10).

3. True Worship Being Discredited

“If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go your way, first be reconciled to your brother and then come and present your offering” (Matthew 5:23-24)

4. Christians Being Fruitless

“But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exists, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable (‘peace loving’ or ‘peace promoting’), gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:13-18).

Insights

Many, if not most relational problems, are due to a lack of personal holiness.
We are never more like our heavenly Father when we are peacemakers (“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” Matthew 5:9).
We are never more like our enemy, Satan, when we are troublemakers.

What’s Going On?

Unbelievers in the church (Wheat and Tares Matthew 13)

Estimates of unbelievers in the church:

A. Criswell 75%
Bob Gray 75%
Billy Graham 85%
W. Tozer 90%

Carnal Christians in the church (I Cor. 3:1-3; “A momentary experience of the Believer who is disobedient to God” John MacArthur).
Satan promotes conflict and interferes with reconciliation (I Peter 5:8)

Troublemaker Inventory

When you disagree with someone, do you become argumentative?
Do you gossip about others behind their back?
Do you make critical comments about other people?
Do you gripe and complain when things don’t go your way?
Do you have to be “right”?
Do you try to win arguments?
Do you pout/sulk/withdraw when your feelings are hurt?
Do you participate in rumors about others?
Do you insist on your rights not being violated?
Do you find yourself in conflict/disputes often?
Do you find it hard to take responsibility when you are wrong?
Do you ignore those who have hurt/offended you?
Do you get even when you are wronged?
Do you bring up the past when discussing issues?
Do you attack (yell, scream, curse, threaten, name calling,, intimidate) in a dispute?
Do you find it hard to apologize and ask for forgiveness following a conflict?
Do you sweep problems/issues under the rug rather than deal with them?
Do you see it as your responsibility to “straighten (others) out”?
Is it hard for you to hear constructive criticism?
Do you find it hard to submit to authority figures?

Scoring Instructions: Count all “yes” answers and multiply by 5. Subtract that number from 100.

100-80 Peacemaker / 79-60 Occasional Troublemaker / 59-0 Troublemaker

Reasons for Not Accepting the Truth

Denial – a refusal to acknowledge the truth about our behavior

Rationalize – to devise self-satisfying but incorrect reasons for one’s behavior

Justify – to show or prove oneself to be free of blame

Blame – to place responsibility for our behavior on someone else

Minimize – to reduce responsibility for our behavior to a minimum

“The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately wicked, who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).

NOTE: Ask your spouse or a trusted friend to take the inventory for you.

Warning to Troublemakers

“For whom the Lord loves he disciplines …that we might be partakers of his holiness” (Hebrews 12: 6,10).

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that will he also reap” (Galatians 6:7).

Insight

We can be deceived by Satan (“liar”), others, and self (James 1:22).
When we fail to acknowledge the reality or seriousness of our sin, we treat God with contempt (lit. sneer/ scorn).
To deny our sin is to make God a liar (I John 1:10).

Consequences of Troublemaking

Divorce
Separation
Alienated from family
Coexist in a loveless marriage
Children abandon the faith (85% of Southern Baptist youth abandon their faith after high school)
Loss of respect/credibility
Loss of friendships
Division/discord in church
Church split
Ruined testimony
Loss of God’s blessing
No power/fruit
Emotional instability
Physical illness
Premature death

Question

Are you a peacemaker or troublemaker? If you are a troublemaker, don’t invite God’s judgment, forfeit his blessings, or destroy your marriage/family. Acknowledge your sin and ask for his help to change.

“But to this one I will look, to him who is humble and contrite of spirit.” (Isaiah 66:2).

Bill