Categories: Marriage

Peacemaking in Marriage: Guidelines for Communicating Wisely with Your Offender

“Reckless words pierce like a thrusting sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).

Big Idea: Talking to others about how they have wronged us can bring reconciliation and restoration when our words are seasoned with wisdom and grace.

How Do I Communicate Wisely to My Offender?

Plan Your Words

Careful planning can make the difference between restored peace and increased hostility, especially when we are dealing with important issues or sensitive people.

“Those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness” (Proverbs 14:22b)

Plan ahead how to respond to possible objections or an angry reaction. (Don’t depend on your offender to follow your script; be flexible)

Talk in Person Whenever Possible

Communication is most effective when it is done as personally as possible. Face-to-face conversation is better than talking by phone (body language accounts for 92% of the message). Allows you to see how they are taking your words, to clarify a misunderstanding, and get feedback.

Note: Letters can serve a useful purpose if the other person has refused a personal conversation or telephone call. A letter can be read and reread.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Timing is essential; do not discuss sensitive issues if the person is tired, worried, or in a bad mood.
Make sure you have enough time to discuss the issue thoroughly.

Talk from Beside, Not from Above

When you show someone their fault, do not talk down as though you are faultless, but as though you are standing beside them at the foot of the cross.
When people sense your humility, they will be less inclined to react defensively.

Engage Rather than Declare

Do not abruptly launch into a direct and detailed description of their faults; they will most likely counterattack.
Open your conversation in a way that shows genuine concern for the person and the relationship.

Use “I” Statements

Offender is less likely to get defensive than if a “You” Statement is used.
A typical formula for an “I” Statement is, “I feel(felt) _______ when you ______.
“I” Statements accomplish three things:

a. Identifies what the other person has done that has offended you.

b. Allows you to tell others how their behavior has affected you.

c. Explains why the issue is important to you and the need to discuss it.

Be Objective

When trying to show someone their fault, keep your remarks as objective as possible. Subjective feelings and judgments will convey condescension.
Stay away from phrases like, “You always,” “You never,” or “Every time.

Use the Bible carefully

The Bible can be an objective source of truth when there is a disagreement with another Christian.
The Bible can alienate the other person rather than persuade them if it is not used with care; don’t quote the Bible to tear down the other person, but to build them up in the Lord.

Ask for Feedback

Be sure that what you meant to say has gotten across to the other person in an accurate and clear way.
Ask for feedback if you can’t tell what impact your words are having.

Offer Solutions and Preferences

Be prepared to offer solutions to the specific problems you have identified.
Don’t give the impression that you have all the answers; make it clear that your suggestions are just a starting point.

Conclusion: God can help you speak the truth in love to your offender when there is a conflict. And you will find that “the tongue of the wise brings healing.”