Categories: Marriage

Peacemaking in Marriage: How Do You Handle Conflict?

Big Idea:

To prevent relational damage, conflict must be resolved in a timely and biblical manner. Unity must be preserved and restored so that God is glorified.

Description	Flight	Fight	Face It
Motto	“Peace at any price”	“It’s my way or the highway”	“We can work it out”
Focus	Me (self-protection)	You (Blame or attack)	Us (Resolve the conflict)
Goal	Lose/win	Win/lose	Win/win
Outcome	Peace-faking	Peace-breaking	Peace-Making

Flight:

“Conflict makes me sick/uncomfortable/tense/scared”
“I don’t want to rock the boat”
“It’ll just turn into a fight”

Tactics:

Denial
Clam up
Withdraw
Pout/sulk
Complain
Passive-aggressive

Insight:

Running away from a problem only postpones a solution. It may bring temporary relief but usually makes matters worse.

Two Exceptions:

Appropriate to respectfully withdraw from a confusing or emotional situation temporarily to calm down, organize thoughts, and pray.
Flight is a legitimate response in seriously threatening circumstances (physical/sexual abuse). I Samuel 19:9-10 (Saul persecutes David

Fight:

“I’m right and you’re wrong!”
“I’ve got my rights!”
“I’m looking out for Number 1!

Tactics:

Put others down (derogatory statements)
Bossy/controlling
Know-it-all attitude
Argumentative
Unreasonable
Verbal attack (slander, gossip, rumors, insults, sarcasm, critical)

Insight:

Those who fight are more interested in winning the conflict, getting their way, asserting their rights, controlling others rather than preserving the relationship (Acts 6:8-15; Stephen accused of blasphemy; James 4:1-2

One Exception:

Confront sin/sinner. Godly men are angered by injustice and unrighteousness (Jesus/Pharisees – Mark 3:5; Jesus cleansing temple – Mark 11:15-18; Jesus rebuked Peter – Matthew 16:23; Moses/Golden calf – Ezra 32:1-20; David/Goliath’s blasphemy – I Samuel 17). Those in authority (e.g. parent, teacher, judge, pastors, counselors, police) exercise this exception more often than others.

Face It:

“We can work through this together.”
“We can find a mutually agreeable solution.

Method	Description
1. Overlook an offense	Deliberate decision to dismiss an offense (i.e. not talk about it/dwell on it) Proverbs 19:11 “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression.”
2. Reconciliation	If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged the relationship, reconciliation is required [Latin ‘reconciliare’ re (back) conciliare (meeting)] Reconciliation pursued through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness (Matthew 5:23-24; Proverbs 28:13; Galatians 6:1; Matthew 18:15)
3. Negotiation	Even if we resolve relational issues, we may still need to work on material issues (money, property, or other rights). Legitimate needs of both parties are settled (Philippians 2:4).
4. Mediation	When two parties cannot reach an agreement privately, should ask for objective, outside help to explore possible solutions (Matthew 18:16). May give advice but has no authority to force parties to accept a solution.
5. Arbitration	When two parties cannot come to a voluntary agreement on a material issue, arbitrators are appointed to hear the arguments and give a binding decision (1 Corinthians 6:1-8).
6. Accountability	If two Christians refuse to be reconciled, church leaders intervene and hold them accountable to Scripture. Insist on repentance, justice, and forgiveness (Matthew 18:17).

Biblical Prospective of Conflict:

Not an inconvenience or occasion to force our will on others, but an opportunity to demonstrate the power and love of God in our lives (I Corinthians 10:31-11:1).

Opportunity to…

Trust God: Instead of relying on our own ideas/abilities, ask God to give you grace (Proverbs 3:5-7).
Obey God: Obeying God’s commands honor him by showing that his ways are good, wise, and dependable (Matthew 5:16; John 17:4; Philippians 1:9-10).
Imitate God: Imitating Jesus in the midst of conflict is the surest path to restoring unity with those who oppose us (Ephesians 4:1-3). We give the world concrete evidence of the Lord’s presence and power in our lives.

How are you handling conflict with others? Are you glorifying God in your conflict with others?