Peacemaking in Marriage: The Four Steps of the Reconciliation Process

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector (Matthew 18:15-17).

BIG IDEA: If we are unable to privately reconcile with our offender, Scripture specifies the subsequent steps we are to take

Four Steps of the Process:

1. Talk in Private (private)
2. Take one of Two Others Along (semi-private)
3. Tell it to the Church (public)
4. Treat Him Like an Unbeliever

“But if you are unsuccessful“: Go to Step 2–“Take one or two with you and go back again.”

NOTE: The four purposes of the witnesses are: 1)  to corroborate  any charge/allegation brought against the offender (Deut.  19:15); 2) to confirm that the sinning believer was confronted by the offended party and has not repented; 3) to confront the sinning believer to induce a change of heart; and 4) to serve as public witnesses before the church if the matter goes to Step 3.

Tasks of the Witnesses if the Offender Repents in Step 2:

1. Facilitate communication between the two parties.
2. Give Scriptural insight regarding the issue(s) of conflict.
3. Suggest practical, biblical solutions to the issue(s).
4. Help both parties reach a voluntary solution.

“If the Person Still Refuses to Listen” (to the witnesses): Go to Step 3–“Take Your Case to the Church.”

 INSIGHT: Church (‘Ekklesia’–congregation or assembly). The whole congregation is tasked to rebuke and encourage the offender to repent; not a committee, board, council, synod, conference, or other group of leaders. It does not matter if the local church is small or large, urban or rural, local or remote, this is where discipline is to be administered. NOTE: Secular court is to be avoided at all costs! (I Cor. 6:1-3).

“Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision”: Go to Step 4– Treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector”

NOTE: Membership status is revoked and membership privileges (e.g. communion, church office, teaching Sunday School) are withdrawn. The unrepentant member is welcomed to Sunday services (as an unbeliever would be), but reminded of the need to repent.

Why is this Action Necessary?

1. Commanded by Scripture (‘treat’–present imperative). Accountability and discipline are acts of love ( 3:11-12; Heb. 12:1-13; I Cor. 5:6; Rev. 3:19)
2. So that God is not blasphemed (Rom. 2:23-24).
3. So that the purity of the church is preserved.
4. So that other believers are protected from being led astray by the unrepentant person’s example or divisive behavior (Rom. 16:17).
5. So that the unrepentant person will realize the seriousness of their sin.

Examples of Ostracism:

• Man in Corinthian church who refused to forsake an incestuous relationship with his step mother (I Cor. 5:1-2)
• When Hymenaeus and Alexander would not stop their profane use of the Lord’s name (I Tim. 1:20)
• Those in the Thessalonian church leading “unruly” lives (2 Thess. 3:6)
• Those in the Thessalonian church who were not obeying Scriptural commands (2 Thess. 3:14)

Note: Putting an unrepentant member out of the fellowship is not the end of the discipline process. It should not end until the brother has either repented or died.

When is membership reinstated? When the person expresses genuine repentance, he is to be accepted back in the fellowship (See 2 Cor. 2:5-8). There should be a time of proving before the repentant person is put back into positions of ministry or leadership. The restoration process should include disciplining to help the person avoid the sin in the future.

Conclusion: The four steps of the reconciliation process are constructive and positive in nature: spiritual restoration of the unrepentant member, subsequent strengthening of the church, and glorifying God.

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